Insane Things Jealousy Makes Us All Do
Even the most stable and confident women can get bit by the jealousy monster sometimes. Well, it sort of possesses us more than just bites us. And when it happens, it’s not pretty. Of course, if you do have your two feet planted in reality and aren’t capable of the really crazy things like slashing tires (thank goodness), you might find yourself acting out in strange ways when you’re jealous. Sometimes, all the meditation and affirming texts from our friends just can’t help us shake the suspicion that something is off. And when that happens, we end up doing a little recon work of our own. It’s never very productive, or healthy, but we only find that out once we’ve embarrassed ourselves. Here are some insane things jealousy makes women do.
Make a fake social media profile
Sally from work may no tell you if she’s into your boyfriend, but she might tell Christine—a woman you made up and created a social media profile for, from which you’ll be becoming BFF’s with Sally.
Ask a friend to stalk
If you don’t have it in you to create a social media profile, you might just ask a friend of yours to chat up the woman who you are suspecting is into your boo. If your BFF is as crazy as you, she might just do it.
Suggest a threesome
In a moment of real insanity, you’ll casually float the idea of a threesome with your boo and the woman in question just to see how he reacts. When he freezes in terror, you’ll laugh like it was all a BIG joke and how SILLY he would think you were ever serious.
Call for a social media blackout
When you just can’t stand your partner texting who you think might be the woman in question, you call for a social media blackout. Yeah. A little cleanse from computers, cell phones—the works. It’ll be good for us, you say.
Plan a trip to Europe
You don’t really have the money to go to Europe (or the Bahamas or Alaska or wherever you’ve chosen), but you certainly have the desire to take your man far, far away from that other female. Better to just blow your security savings on this trip than just, oh, you know, ask your partner what’s up.
Befriend the target, er, woman
Keep your enemies closer, they say. So you become best friends with the woman in question. You will kill her with kindness so that she loves you so much she would never go after your man.
Post a lot of hot selfies
When you’re jealous, you get the sudden urge to post a lot of hot selfies. Poolside in a bikini? Wearing a tiny outfit at the gym? That’s going on Instagram. See how your partner likes all those guys hitting “Like!”
Plan an excessive number of girl’s nights
That’s right. If your partner is up to something, then you don’t have time for him. Does he want date night? Too bad. You’re booked up for the rest of the month. You’ll be out clubbing every night. You will be painfully hungover at work every day and go broke from the cabs. But it’s worth it to prove your point. What was the point again? Whatever.
Extreme haircuts or hair coloring are just a staple of any female crisis.
Get together with an ex
Well, if your boo is going to be friendly with what’s her name, you might just feel like getting drinks with your ex.
Or with all our male friends
Maybe you just want to get together with all of your male friends at once. Your man isn’t invited. And yeah—you’ll take a lot of selfies kissing these guys on the cheek, sitting on their laps, etc.
Dig up dirt on the target, er, woman
You will casually mention to your man that the woman in question flunked out of college, or has had a lot of sexual partners, or was arrested once. Just in case he was curious.
Fake an illness
Nothing like becoming desperately ill to pull your partner away from anything and anyone else! You’re suddenly coming down with something…he’s going to have to miss the company party and take care of you.
Become an obsessive matchmaker
You are determined to set this other woman up with somebody. You’ve become a maniac, up all night, looking through dating websites, and reaching out to men on her behalf.
So much shopping
When in doubt, just drop a grand on Amazon Prime. Somehow, a cute bomber jacket makes everything better.