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I recently had a young college girl send me a question about a disastrous encounter with a guy whom she “gave up the goods” to on the second date, and now feels terrible because it had been over a week, and he hadn’t called.  “I feel like I wasted myself,” she said.

Well, turns out, she had.

College ladies, when you leave the firm grip of your parents and go off to college, think twice before you go buck wild because they’ll be no one back at the dorm room to be folding their arms, tapping their toes and giving you the stink eye.  All that new-found freedom can be literally intoxicating, but when you’re suddenly thrust into adulthood, and are free to do grown folks’ thangs, you’d better get ready.  Because with freedom comes responsibility.

The girl who wrote me, with stars in her eyes and false hope for a future with this Don Juan, learned a hard lesson.  Men will tell you ANYTHING to have sex with you.  They’ll tell you you’re beautiful, allude to a long-lasting future, say they like everything you like (including Hello Kitty and sparkles) to get into your panties.  And unlike what some segments of the feminazi…ehr…I meant, feminist movement would like you to believe, YOU CAN NOT HAVE casual sex with any old guy, just like a guy.  Things happen in your brain–namely the release of oxytocin–that compels you to want to bond with the person you are sexing.  It’s NATURAL, and PROVEN, and unless the National Organization for Women want to picket the pharmaceutical companies so that they can create drugs that inhibit the release of that feel-good hormone, then that’s just the way we were made, and no amount of bawling about “Slore shaming” or demonstrations of “Slore walks” will change how the human body operates.

The critique of this girl came swift and bloody:

 After 2 dates! Sorry, not enough time with a person to sleep with them. Then, constantly saying she is beautiful… He was playing a game, to get in her pants and it worked. Ladies, please wait 3 months. If he stays he may like you! If he is preying on your flower, he won’t wait that long.

and another…

I’m gonna speak the harsh truth and ask what that says about the girl if she’ll give it up after only two dates (and his prolific use of the word beautiful)???

I’m not for women being shamed because they have sex, but I am not an advocate for telling women they can have as much sex as men do and keep their souls intact.

Now stepping down from my horse that is a mile high, I wish someone would have pulled me aside and given me this advice when I was a college freshman.

But when life hands you lemons…

Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed (to be released April 2012), and runs a blog,, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.


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