Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Professional Jumpoffs & Ex Love

June 8, 2011  |  

Dear Very Smart Brotha,

I am a 30 year old woman with two jobs, a marketing degree, my own place and vehicle and most importantly no kids and I am single! Why I have no clue  why I’m single and its making me sick. I tend to go towards men that are inaccessible. Meaning, they don’t have time to spend, they don’t have time to build anything etc.  Now in reading that list of top 10 things that can keep me single, I can safely say that I have none of those traits.

In a nut shell here is how it goes. I meet a guy, we may go out on a couple dates, have a couple of phone conversations and then it will get physical. Sex will be great, the convos get better, spend some more time and then all of a sudden, everything will goes to Shyte.  I have had several men tell me they loved me or were falling in love and then turn around and basically spit in my face. Am I a professional jump off and didn’t know about that? I try to notice the signs and open the lines of communication as often as possible. I play my position as to not seem to needy and clingy and still nothing. What am I doing wrong? Am I just destined to be alone and have a lifetime supply of AA batteries? What do I have to do for a man to want to be with me?

-Confused in Charlotte

 

Dear Confused in Charlotte,

Ah yes. The curious case of the profoundly successful and perpetually single black woman. I can even imagine the intro to the Nightline profile they’d have about you.

***Voice of somber sounding white man***

30 year old Advertising guru “Confused in Charlotte” seems to be living the American dream. With a marketing degree, a downtown condo, and a head game better than Roxy Reynolds, she is what rapper ‘Drake’ would call, “Fancy Huh.” But, despite the fact that her hair is done, her nails are done, and everything is big — including her a$$ — Confused couldn’t find a man to save her life”

Although I don’t know a ton about you, we can go a long ways to solving your “problem” by just looking at your question. You said yourself that you tend to go after men who are inaccessible and unavailable. And, when they do finally find time in their impossibly busy schedules to take you to the Waffle House, you’re pumped and dumped and nexted.

First, I need to let you know that there’s no such thing as a too busy man. Wait, let me rephrase that. There’s no such thing as a too busy man…if that man is truly into you. Trust me, a guy could be scheduled to attend three jobs, a wake, a bar mitzvah, and appear on The Wheel of Fortune all on the same night, but if he’s truly digging you, he’ll find a way, any way, to find some time for you.

Anyway, your main issue seems to be that you’re getting close-bused. The “close-bus” is the male version of the “friend’s zone” – a phenomenon where guys use certain women as relationship place holders until they’ve either grown tired of them or just found someone “better.”

Lucky for you, there’s an easy way to ensure you’ll never be close-bused again. All you have to do is stop making yourself sexually and emotionally available to unavailable men. Ain’t no use in “playing your position” if that position keeps getting dogShyte on your blouse. Plus, that Shytety smell is scaring away any potential Prince Charmings.

Sincerely,

Damon Young (aka The Champ)

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