So every guy you get involved with ends up cheating, being non-committal, dropping off the face of the planet, making a terrible boyfriend or in one way or another, being a douchebag. And you’re beginning to think that you—your particular personality, or maybe the way you look—attracts douchebags. Well there’s good news and bad news: you’re not the type to attract douchebags. You’re just the type to welcome them in.
What is a douchebag?
Honestly, a “douchebag” could be a great guy in every other capacity of his life, besides as a boyfriend. He could have a wonderful relationship with his mother, be a tremendous philanthropist and a stellar businessman. But, for your purposes, any man that lets you down is a “douchebag.” Any man that plays games with you, cheats on you, is not a very dedicated boyfriend, speaks condescendingly to you, drags you along through a casual relationship or treats you a little bit better than a booty call just so that he can keep you around as a booty call is a douchebag.
Why is that a douchebag?
Typically when you meet a guy, he knows what you want. Do you really think that he had the “misunderstanding” that you wanted to be in an open relationship? Or that you were happy to be a booty call? Or that you were perfectly fine with only hearing from him once a month? Come on. Men can be dumb, but not that dumb. A douchebag is a guy who knew all along what you needed and wanted, was unwilling or unable to give it to you, but gave you the impression that eventually he would make you happy, just so that he could keep you around for his own purposes.
Douchebags don’t have a “type”
Douchebags are attracted to anything with double X chromosomes. You didn’t have the misfortune of drawing the one jerk in the bar to you. By the time he got to you, he had probably already powered through a handful of other women that had the good sense to turn him down. So, please eliminate this notion that the bad guys are attracted to you specifically.
You just let him stay
The reason you’re reading this article is because you’re exhausted of dating, as well as terrified. You believe that every guy will screw you over because so far every guy has. This is where the bad news comes in: you let them screw you over. And by letting them do that, you let yourself develop a negative view of men, which means you’re quickly closing yourself off to the possibility of meeting a good guy because you don’t want to meet any guy.
You ignored the signs
There were always signs from the beginning that a guy was a douchebag. If you look back, you could probably name them now from the way he spoke to the bartender the first night you met him to how long he took to respond to your texts to the fact that he was making secret phone calls in the backyard. There were always signs but you told yourself, “There’s gotta be an explanation for that behavior. It must just be a rare occurrence. Maybe I’m seeing things the wrong way.” And you told yourself this because it allowed you to continue to live in the delusion that love might come your way with this person.
You’re blinded by love
Every woman wants to be loved. We can want it so badly that we’ll tell ourselves love is there, when it is not. We’ll hold onto that lie as long as we possibly can. Any time he fails to meet our needs or wants we never put it on him. We always come up with an excuse for him. We refuse to take it personally.
You had to see the worst
We will hold onto the lie that it’s “not personal” until the man does something so horrible that we are forced to realize we were lying to ourselves all along: he was a douchebag. We refuse to see the small, but clear signs that a guy is no good for us. We are on a suicide mission and only once we hit rock bottom (via the guy cheating on us, not committing after months of casual dating, keeping us as a booty call for eternity etc.) will we acknowledge we were falling the whole time. But this is where we cheat ourselves.
Stop being the victim
If you had simply trusted your gut and walked away at the first sign a guy was a douchebag you would feel empowered, as opposed to feeling weak, vulnerable and taken advantage of as you possibly feel now. Things could have ended by you saying, “This is no good for me. I’m out” versus by him completely breaking your heart.
And that’s how you stay energized
The more you allow yourself to get screwed over by guys, the less energy you have for them. Each time you step into a bar you feel like bait—you feel like every man is a land mine just waiting to blow you to smithereens. The male species begins to frighten you. And that’s because, by refusing to trust in your knowledge—to read the signs in the past that men were douchebags—you now believe that you don’t have that knowledge anymore.
It becomes a viscous cycle
You think, “I didn’t see the signs last time and I won’t see them again. I’m bound to be heartbroken. Why even try?” We women can get very in our own heads. We beat ourselves up over past mistakes and patterns, and down spiral into thinking those patterns have taken over us. The more times you ignore the signs that a man is a douche, all so that you can chase a lie, the more you will build up this vision of yourself as a meek, unintelligent woman that always gets screwed over.
Feeling pretty low now?
The last thing I want is for this article to reinforce those negative feelings, so you need to walk away with a set of signs to look for. Once you have these written down, you are held accountable any time you ignored these signs, and got your heart broken. You have to recognize that that guy didn’t break your heart—you broke your own. Hopefully that won’t happen and you’ll just trust the signs.
Signs Part I: Communication
If a man takes all day, or multiple days to return a text or call he is either A) Too busy to prioritize love in his life right now B) Dating someone else C) Not emotionally ready to let someone in, therefore he lets his brain fill up with many other tasks and thoughts so that he forgets to respond to you or D) Is not that into you. Do not make excuses for a man that fails to communicate efficiently. If he’s not there on the phone, he will not mentally or emotionally be there in person.
Signs Part II: His World
If a man does not invite you to meet his friends, his family or his co-workers and does not invite you to office parties or to any parties but only wants to see you alone he is either A) Embarrassed of you B) Sees you as a booty call so why put the effort into introducing you to people? C) Doesn’t have a social life which is a problem in and of itself or D) Terrified of or unable to incorporate somebody else into his life.
Signs Part III: How he is as a boyfriend
If a man never plans anything special for the two of you, surprises just for you, makes no effort to spend time with your friends or family, does not take an interest in your work or passions, makes you do everything on his terms, hardly prioritizes alone time with you: he is probably not going to marry you and if he does, you’ll be miserable. A man that acts like this is not a grown up, and he is not going to become one within a relationship. Sorry to break it to you but you cannot change or train a man—not in such basic and fundamental things as being thoughtful, compassionate, considerate, generous and empathetic. Those are all qualities the man I described here does not have.
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