Don’t Be The Crazy Ex: 15 Things To Avoid Doing After A Break Up

September 6, 2012  |  
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So you’ve just gone through a breakup and you want to be sure you keep your cool. You don’t want to do anything that makes you look (and feel) desperate or like you’re falling apart. Some acts are obvious to stay away from. Others are a bit subtler until suddenly you feel like you’re spiraling out of control right after doing them. Avoid that “Oh my god…I’m a crazy ex!” moment and don’t do these things.

Use your friend’s Facebook

If you’re no longer friends with your ex on Facebook, do not ask a friend if you can use their Facebook to look at your ex’s wall. Certainly don’t lie to your friend and say you’re using their computer for something else. And no—having your friend check for you does not make you any less crazy.

Looking up any and every female

Any girl that writes on his wall, comments on one of his posts, shares a link with him or mentions him in a post: do not go stalk her Facebook profile. Maybe he’s involved with her romantically, maybe he’s not. But once you start playing detective you’re going to see signs of a romantic connection there wherever you look.

Looking at pictures of his ex

Do not go digging through your ex’s old Facebook photos to find any photos of him and his previous ex to analyze her, compare yourself to her, wonder if you’re better or worse than her etc.

Looking at pictures of the two of you

Do not scroll through each and every photo of the two of you, from the beginning to the end, looking for “signs” that he was unhappy or that things were going South or that somebody else in the background was looking longingly at your ex.

Do not talk about him too much

Have your one good talk with your closest friends letting them know what happened, maybe downing a bottle of wine and venting about all the things you or he could have done better. But that’s it. Do not compare every situation in life to you and your ex. A good vent session is healthy—it helps you move forward. Constantly rehashing the details holds you back. And annoys your friends.

Do not get drunk if you can’t handle it

For most people, drinking when they are already sad only amplifies their emotions. Do not be the person that ends up going for a walk or locking themselves in the bathroom so that they can bawl their eyes out at a bar or party. This only forces your friends to have to step away from their fun to take care of you when they can’t even really help you. If you can’t keep it together, lay off the booze for now.

Do not think of reasons to contact him

You left your DVD set at his place? Ask yourself this: will the DVD set bring you happiness that is larger than the pain you will feel from having communicated with your ex again just to get those DVD’s? You know the answer to that. Don’t lie to yourself about it. Get on Amazon and buy yourself new DVD’s.

Don’t take new dates to old places

If you are emotionally stable enough to go on a date with somebody new, do not go with him to any place you and your ex used to go to. You’ll end up feeling depressed and a little dirty afterwards. And your new date has no chance of having your full attention: you’ll just be thinking of having been there with your ex.

Do not go where you know your ex will be

He knows that you knew he’d be there, so there’s no pretending it’s a “coincidence” that you’re both there. So, that makes you look desperate. Add to that the pain that comes with seeing your ex when you’re simply not ready yet, which often takes months or years. Consider each time you see or speak to your ex steps backwards in your healing process.

Don’t talk to his friends

Do not text, call, email, Facebook or Tweet his friends. Not only do you immediately make them uncomfortable because they feel rude ignoring you but they feel they’re betraying your ex by talking to you, but this is almost as bad as speaking directly to your ex in terms of your healing process. Any time you so much as come in contact with your ex’s life—and that certainly includes his friends—you step backwards in your healing.

Do not contact his new girlfriend

If your ex has a new girl in his life and you reach out to her, you are definitely the crazy ex. I don’t care if it’s to wish her “the best of luck” or to warn her about what he’s like, he is not a part of your life anymore nor you his. By breaking up with you he no longer has to be involved with you in any way. You’re taking away that right of his by reaching out to his new girlfriend.

Do not contact his mom

No matter how much his mother loved you or how great of a relationship you had with her, her alliance is to her son. It’s painful but you have to accept that your relationship with his mother will and should end. Don’t try to get lunch with her, and certainly don’t try to talk to her about the breakup.

Don’t write a letter

A lot of women feel the need to write a letter to a man after a breakup, explaining everything they feel about what went wrong. Look: when a man walks away from a relationship, he usually feels relieved, like a burden has been lifted. It’s hard to hear but he is happy to no longer be obliged to you in any way. Sending him a letter just gives him homework that he doesn’t want to do and, once again, makes you look desperate. If there is anything in that letter that proves you should not have broken up, that’s something that should be said in person. If there’s nothing in that letter that will change your status as broken up, there’s no point to it.

Do not try to get closure

For some reason women will often believe that after a few weeks, their ex will see things their way and that they can have a peaceful conversation that ends with them being friends. Look: you broke up because you could not, even when you wanted to more than ever, see things the other person’s way. Do you really think that now that your ex is single and doesn’t even have to try to see things your way, that he will? If he saw things your way, you’d still be together. Time apart only hardens someone’s opinions on the breakup.

Do not try to be friends

You can’t go from being in love with someone one day to feeling completely platonic towards him the next. If you ask an ex to be friends, you’re simply lying to yourself about how you feel about him so that you can still be around him. And that’s no real friendship at all and will only result in you still being in love with him for months or years to come. Men are often too nice to women to say, “No. We can’t be friends” so you have to draw the line for yourself.

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