Your Baby’s Mama Drama: How Your Man’s Mother/Son Relationship Can Affect You

August 4, 2012  |  

Sure ‘nough, the relationship between a woman and her son is much different than the relationship between a woman and her daughter, particularly in African American households, where in many cases women are the sole parent. The role of women in their son’s life is to not only act as supporter, nurturer and provider, but in an act of overcompensation, she acts as a coddler, a cheerleader and an enabler. Because mothers don’t always challenge their sons, they set a precedent for how Black men feel they should relate to other women, particularly in terms of intimate relationships. Men decide that it’s okay to demand a great deal from girlfriends/friends/wives, without anything in return; men feel that they can break things (like hearts) without having to pay for it. That said, positive mother-son relationships suggest positive intimate relationships. In the same light, men who have negative relationships with their mothers, sometimes, spend their entire lives punishing other women for whatever chaos transpired between the two.

Black mothers and sons adhere to several types of relationships, though, which span from unexceptionally close to distant and estranged. It’s about time that we take a look at these relationships, and see how these relationships affect sexual and intimate relationships between you and your significant others.

The Mama’s Boy:  The relationship with the Mama’s boy is perhaps the easiest to recognize, this mother-son combo are attached at the hip. This relationship is rooted in dependency from both ends, and each use that relationship as a convenient crutch, reinforcing the idea that no one will ever be good enough for him, and no one will ever be quite the woman that she is.

What this means for you: this means that you’ll have quite the shoes to fill. Not only do you have to constantly state that you are not his mother, you need to reiterate the fact that you’ll never be his mother, while always remaining respectful about it. While his mother’s approval is extremely important, she isn’t the decision maker in your relationship.

The Golden Boy: The relationship between ‘the golden boy’ and his mother is a balanced one; it’s rooted in support and reliability, without being overly dependent. Mother-son relationships like this can occur when the man is raised by an independent woman who makes time for family and outside hobbies, or she set rules and boundaries with her son without altering the foundation of their relationship.

What this means for you: the man grows up and is able to communicate well with women, respect women’s ideas, and engage in healthy relationships. His solid bond with his mother promotes his emotional intelligence; enabling him to express feelings of self-control, and he balances his robust masculinity with profound femininity.

The Indifferent Son/Rebel: Separation and early-on independence can be two components which can contribute to this maladjusted man, because of a detached mother. His mother may have been absent or dismissive, she may have worked too much or perhaps she didn’t cradle him enough when he cried. Because of this, he dismissed his mother’s authority and opinions. He is a man of circumstances, and he does not have secure attachment to with his mother. He is emotionally stagnant, difficult to read, forever brooding, and he can have questionable motives. His feelings of detachment could leave you in a perpetual state of “but he needs love.” The lack of interest for his mother and her well-being could translate to his failing interest in your relationship.

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