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Dear silky and smooth hair bonnets,

Man, you and I go way back. We go back through my many hairstyles and states. You’ve been with me since I was rocking a relaxer with rollers in my head to keep my curls tight; You’ve helped me keep my texturizer moist, and when my natural fro was ready to cave in and get dry on my pillow, the thought of you woke me up out of my nap and beckoned me to throw you on my head. If it weren’t for you, why, I would look crazy as hell on many an occasion. Maybe that’s why I have three of you. I have a bonnet for every occasion. Depending on my mood, I reach for your color: black when my hair is clean and fresh, pink when I’m trying to hide my dirty hair, and purple for post scalp greasing (I know I’m not the only one who still does this). Your smooth bands have kept dents out of my forehead for years, and when I woke up after a restless sleep, covers all in disarray on the floor, pillow next to it, you still, somehow, stayed on my head. Tight head wraps often make my head ache, and smash my ears in, but you bonnet, you’ve kept me comfortable in a whimsical fashion that has let my hair breathe and stay beautiful. That’s probably why I have so much respect and love for you!

And maybe all that respect is why I can’t stand to see your a** on people’s heads on the streets. B0nnet! Baby! What are you doing to yourself? If you’re not on the head of a person running for their life during a fire, I would prefer not to find you on the head of some woman waiting for the bus by my place, working on an elliptical machine at my gym, or on the head of someone who was a witness to some sort of rachetness on the news. You are bold, and you are beautiful, but if you don’t stay your behind in the bathroom next to the bobby pins and hair spray and off the bus, I’m going to scream. I don’t know when people thought to make you the new it-fashion for when they didn’t want to finish their hair, but this has got to stop. You can camouflage yourself in any kind of color and/or design that you want, but that still doesn’t make you a hat! And while I can understand using you not to sweat your hair out sometimes, nor to have it be destroyed by humidity, there’s got to be another way! Maybe put a hat, or at least a nice scarf over you? But to be exposed to the world while accompanying something other than pajamas or lounge wear has forced me to resent you sometimes. YOU LOOK CRAZY! But alas, I guess you are a step up from the hideous shower cap that started feeling itself and became the alternative to umbrellas…

I know, it makes me sad too. I want you to keep your dignity. I want us to go back to the relationship we had before, when I loved to pick you up and plop you on my head. However, a part of me hates you because you don’t know how to stay in the damn house. I guess I should hold more blame with your owners than I do with you, but like the Rob Base song says, it takes two. Stop selling out just to sell yourself and stick to showing out and showing yourself off INDOORS. It would be much appreciated from this day forward bonnet. Peace…and hair grease.

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