Relationship Reflections: Things To Think About After The Breakup

April 22, 2012  |  
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If for no other reason than to distract yourself from your pain, think about these  7 things during your post-breakup sorrow (particularly when you were the one who was left). They will probably keep you from sending that next “I miss you” text that just makes you feel awful after.

The breakup before

Talk about your breakup before this one. Explain what the problems were of that relationship, out loud. Now, do the same thing for this most recent one. If you find yourself describing almost the same breakup, with many of the same basic problems, be grateful this recent relationship ended. It was just another one on the list of the wrong (and the same) men you’ve been choosing. You want to be moving forward. If your last two (or more) breakups are the same in their essence, you need to have a talk with yourself (or a therapist) about why you choose those men.

5 years down the line

This is something many people fail to think about. Yes, things were good now. You were really happy recently. But, what would life have been like with this person 5, 10, 15 years down the road? Do they have qualities that would have made them a bad parent? Do they handle stress poorly? Life only gets more stressful as you get older. In other words: how would this person have held up as a life partner? It can be a relief, in an odd way, to realize that they wouldn’t have handled the realities of life so well.

 

Does he even care?

You might be aware of all the ways things could have been fixed. You might know that if only this little thing was different, you two would have worked out. But, consider this: none of that matters if your ex doesn’t even care to think about those things. Your biggest issue isn’t what you thought it was. It could be that your ex just didn’t care about any of your issues. Fixing things takes two people, and all your energy isn’t going to make someone else care about a problem.

It wasn’t just a fight

You have to realize that, if someone breaks up with you, it’s because they decided to give up on you. Unfortunately, many people text and call their ex to talk about everything after the breakup but, that person broke up with you because they don’t want all those issues to be their responsibility anymore. Do you think he is hurting like you, or is he out partying? And, do you really want to be with someone who decided that you were not worth working issues out with?

Sometimes, they know before you do

The worst thing about being left is…it’s offensive! We take it personally. We see it as, “I wasn’t good enough for him” when we should be looking at it as “we were not right for each other.” If two people are wrong for each other, somebody has to be the first one to realize it. It sucks when the other person realizes it first but, put your pride aside and ask yourself if maybe your ex just saw the light before you did.

Were you your best self?

Look, you come into this life alone and you leave it alone. Leave it as a person you’re proud to be. We often forget ourselves when we just want someone else in our lives. We can become someone we don’t even like, as we meld and mold ourselves to keep another individual around. The reality is, if that individual stopped loving who you were one day and ended things, you may have become someone not even you like. Think about it: are you proud of the way you behaved 90% of the time you were with that person? Or, did you find yourself being petty, mean, insecure, submissive, too needy, or a whole slew of qualities your single self would be ashamed to become?

 

Don’t question your needs

It’s the best advice I ever received and I dole it out as much as possible. As you’re sitting there thinking, “Maybe I pushed him too much”, or “Maybe I got angry too much” or “Maybe I asked too much of him”, know this: don’t question your own thoughts, your own desires, your own needs. There is someone out there who will fulfill them, just as they are. But, if you get in the habit of telling yourself you want less than you want, just to appease a man or fit into a man’s life, you’ll be depriving yourself of the opportunity to meet the man who would make you truly happy. Instead, you’ll attract men who are looking for a doormat.

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