Auntie's Advice To Stop A Hobo-Sexual Man From Moving In

Somewhere between “I’ll just stay over tonight!,” and “Which TV can I plug my PlayStation up to?” lies a hobo-sexual eager to finesse his way into a woman’s sanctuary— her home. You know, the man who shows up with vibes, trauma, unlimited tickets to pound town, and a toothbrush—then BOOM, he’s walking around your home in his boxers like your lease has his name on it. No conversation. No agreement. No rent. Just audacity.

Oh, and speaking of audacity, I think social media has energized it 1000% because my God, today, they are not even being subtle anymore. In a recent viral Facebook post—that can only be described as a hobo-sexual masterclass—digital creator Murray Banks openly teaches other men how to strategically position themselves into a woman’s home right under her nose. I’m talking about step-by-step manipulation dressed up as a “blossoming relationship.” Sir, you are a squatter trying to get in where you fit in by using that ounce of charm and your pole of oppression.

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Listen up ladies, we are not falling for the okie doke. This is not about love, partnership, or building together. This is about homelessness—because why do you need to live with me? This is about manipulation—because why are you easing your way in instead of having an adult conversation? Most of all, this is about access. Access to your peace. Your utilities. Your amenities. Your groceries. Your emotional labor. And yes, your rent-free king-size bed and your TV—for that damn PlayStation.

So yeah, since homeboy wants to energize the hobo-sexuals, your Auntie is here to school you because there is absolutely no room at the inn for him, his toothbrush, or that damn PlayStation.

The Hobo-Sexual Playbook—And Auntie’s Advice On How To Shut It Down

1. “Start by staying the night more often”

His strategy: Gradually increased sleepovers so it feels “natural.”

Translation: He’s slithering in like a snake.

Auntie’s advice: Ole boy does not have a stable home. He has an emergency, not you. Allow him to figure that out without you. Set clear limits about sleepovers, NOW. No more than two nights a week. That is, your home not a Hilton.

2. “Gradually keep small essentials there”

His strategy: Toothbrush. Hoodie. Boxers. Bodywash.

Translation: He’s marking his territory like the dog he is.

Auntie’s advice: Pack his ish up after EVERY visit, tie it on a stick so he can throw it across his shoulders and leave. If you have not discussed cohabitation, do not commit to it. Kindness costs more than you can afford. Don’t even offer him a drawer and when he leaves something— because he will—make sure he gets his ish back.

3. “Make her life easier while you’re there”

His strategy: Do basic adult tasks to make her happy and earn residency.

Translation: Helping is not contributing. Washing dishes and taking out trash is not a transaction towards paying the rent.

Auntie‘s advice: Helpful is nice but it will not pay the bills. Access won’t be granted for doing chores.

4. “Pay attention to her comfort level”

His strategy: Watch for signs that she is softening up.

Translation: He is playing in your face by trying to test your boundaries.

Auntie‘s advice: Pop your ISH! Do not allow comfort and being content to silence you babygirl. You know damn well that man does not deserve you. Yes, he may know how to hit the spot, but that is not enough to carry a relationship.

5. “The smooth criminal move-in”

His strategy: Start by leaving the game system, bring a hoe bag and call it “laundry”

Translation: Forget how Cash Money Records took over for the ’99 and 2000. This fool is signed to Slip And Slide Records, and he is trying to do just that, slip and slide his way into your sanctuary.

Auntie’s advice: Your home is not a storage space. Take the same approach as Frontier Airlines, ONE PERSONAL ITEM! THAT’S IT, AND THAT’S ALL!

6. “If she has kids, win them over”

His strategy: Snacks, video games, charm, manipulation—then access.

Translation: He is trying to make your kids his little friends.

Auntie’s advice: This red flag should be a HARD STOP. Your kids are not his little friends. Do not allow men to bond with your children until you know the situationship is a real relationship and he deserves the privilege of sharing space with your children.

7. “Once your wardrobe is there, start receiving mail”

His strategy: Legal and emotional entanglement.

Translation: He is trying to establish residency without responsibility.

Auntie’s advice: That one piece of mail can legally entitle ole boy to unwanted time in your home. Address and return to sender at once. Let lil friend know it is a HELL NO because once residency is established, you are gonna be forced to involve the courts to get him out.

Let me make this crystal clear, babe. A man who needs to sneak into your home for stability is not ready for a partnership. A man who is not emotionally intelligent enough to have an adult conversation is not a grown man, and at your big age, you need a grown, bill-paying man with morals and no cruel intentions. You are not a shelter. You are not a starter home. And, you damn sure are not a solution to someone else’s instability.

If he cannot afford to move in out loud, he does not need to be there—all that creeping like TLC is childish AF.

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