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Relationship Problems

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Dear Ashley! 

I need your help girl! I was in a long-term relationship with my childhood love that led to an engagement but ended traumatically. After lots of time to myself and therapy, I’ve been back on the dating scene. I have made an intentional decision to not limit myself to what I’m used to and have opened myself to dating interracially.

Interracial dating has been going well, but I’ve had two similar experiences with the two white men I’ve been with recently, that’s very different than any Black man I’ve been intimate with. Both of the white men had a curved penis! Now, I KNOW a curved penis is normal and is unique in every way, but these aren’t regular curves! 

My ex (who is white) had a crazy hook to the left & I was able to work with that. Sex was great. However, I’m dating a new guy, who is literally the sweetest thing. He is FINE-FINE, ginger, freckles, curly hair, nice body, beautiful smile, makes me smile and laugh until my cheeks hurt. We had sex for the first time recently and it was nothing like I’m used to. It was awkward, I was tense, unsure of myself, and in pain (which I vocalized during sex). 

He has an extreme curve. His curve goes straight up towards his stomach with the tip of his penis pointing up toward his belly button. Imagine a man fully erect, laying down on his back.. the penis lays against the belly straight up. That’s exactly what his curve is like standing up or laying down! While performing oral, I had to switch up the techniques because it would hit the roof of my mouth. Doggy style was difficult because of the curve, and so was laying on my stomach because he is unable to go straight in. I like to say I’m extremely good in bed and know how to please my partner but this time–Not so much. 

Missionary was amazing though and he definitely was stimulating my G-spot. So, that’s a plus. Yet, I left with a hurt and swollen ‘nani and for the first time felt like I didn’t put out how I normally do. I almost questioned my skills but knew deep down it was because of his extreme curve. I googled positions to do and even tried to find videos, but there aren’t any examples of his type of curve. I really like him and want this to work— but want to enjoy our sex & want my confidence all the way back in the bedroom. Please advise!

Sincerely,

Ms. Trying to get it in where it can fit in,

 

Dear Ms. Trying to get it in where it can fit in,

I’ve seen a lot of curves, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one quite like what you’re describing. Good for you for giving it an honest try. Based on your description I probably would have been done before we even started. It just takes one look for me to decide if I want to ride a “ride.” And this definitely would have been a “nope you don’t have to worry about me” situation. My first piece of advice would be to talk to him about your experience. If you’re having an issue in the bedroom, the first step is to address it. Talking about sex leads to better sex. If his curve is as extreme as you described then I’m willing to bet $5 he’s had this problem before.  Let him know your concerns and ask him how he has handled this in the past. He knows the curvature of his member is not the norm. So, he should know at least one solution to provide a more pleasurable experience for you. 

Because his penis has an extreme upwards curve, having sex may require experimenting with different positions. Just based on your description, I think positions where you are on top and have control would work best. The two positions that come to mind involve straddling . In the sitting straddle position, the male is sitting and leaning back a bit while bracing himself with his hands or elbows. The woman straddles the male and lowers herself onto the penis using her hands to guide the member as needed. The standing straddle is similar to the sitting straddle – except the man is standing rather than sitting. You can also try reverse cowgirl which is similar to sitting straddle but you are facing his feet instead of his face. When it comes to this type of curve any position where you are on top will be more comfortable and less painful. 

And if all else fails, this penis just might not be a good fit. As hard as it is to accept sometimes certain penises just aren’t good fits for our vaginas. Sex should not be painful if you’re still having pain after trying new positions I would suggest moving on to a penis for suitable.

 

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Dear Ashley is a weekly sex column where Sexpert Ashley Cobb answers your intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. Email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com

Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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