MadameNoire Featured Video

Depressed afro woman at home


Dear Ashley,

If I am sexting or flirting before meeting up with potential sex partners, I can literally get wet in seconds. But once I’m in person, it takes a lot longer for me to get aroused even though I’m very turned on. Everyone says use lube which I have tried the last couple of times, but things tend to move so fast I don’t know how to incorporate it.

It feels awkward to stop in the middle and pull out a bottle of lube. But I also feel embarrassed because I don’t want my partner to think he is hurting me if he sees blood (I’m never in pain, there’s just too much friction). I envy men for being able to get it up with no issues.

Please help!

Ms. In Pain


Dear Ms. In Pain,

Vaginal dryness and bleeding after sex could also be caused by cervical or endometrial polyps or by cervical ectropion (also known as cervical erosion), where there is an inflamed area on the surface of the cervix. So, you should speak to a healthcare provider if this is a recurring issue just to rule those out. 

On another note, you should definitely be using lube. Not being moist enough before sex can cause spotting and even pain. The friction from penetration creates micro tears in the vaginal walls known as vaginal laceration which can cause bleeding and pain. Bleeding after sex is not as uncommon as you probably think. About 30 percent of women experience posticotial bleeding and about 15 percent of those women report feeling pain as well. 

The good news is there are quite a few non-hormonal options to treat posticoital bleeding if the main cause is vaginal dryness. There are multiple over the counter vaginal moisturizers and lubricant options that are effective at relieving discomfort and pain during sex. 

Using a daily vaginal moisturizer can help restore natural fluids and pH balance of your vagina. Vaginal moisturizers rehydrate dry mucosal tissue and are absorbed into the tissue. They can be applied anytime so the awkwardness of having to stop in the middle of things getting hot and heavy won’t be an issue. There are two main types of vaginal moisturizers: Creams and gels are one type of vaginal moisturizer that is usually applied by placing your finger directly into the vagina. Another type is suppositories which are capsules you insert into your vagina. Either type should help with dryness if used over a substantial period of time.

Using lube is an effective short-term solution. I recommend using lubes that are made from water or silicone. I suggest using travel size lube because they are more discreet. Right before you think it’s about to go down, you can excuse yourself to the restroom and pull out your travel sized lube from your purse or pocket, apply it and go on about your business. In addition to using lube you need to erase the thought that your partner may think something is wrong if you pull out a bottle of lube during sex. I use lube all the time. I will stop mid-stroke if something doesn’t feel right, apply lube and hop back on the dick. Sex is supposed to be pleasureable for all parties involved. Trust me he won’t look at you funny if you tell him to use lube. A man who cares about pleasing you doesn’t want to hurt you so in most cases they are glad to use it and it makes sex feel better for him as well. 

RELATED CONTENT: Here Are Several Causes And Cures For Dryness ‘Down There’

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN