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roleplay advice

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Roleplay is a very interesting fetish. It doesn’t actually involve any specific physical action. It’s not like when someone likes to be spanked, or use a ball gag, or try backdoor stuff. Roleplay is all about mental stimulation – perhaps also emotional stimulation. I’ve known a couple guys who wanted to role-play. To be honest, my initial reaction wasn’t great. I just felt like, “Well, am I not good enough?” I didn’t understand why they needed to pretend that I was someone else, in order to be aroused. Then again, to be fair, they were also going to pretend to be someone else. And then I just wondered if they weren’t comfortable in their own skin. I have one friend who exclusively does role play with his girlfriend. That’s the only way they have sex. If they’re both into roleplay, I say, go for it, but of course, I worry that if that’s the only way they’re ever intimate then, will they perhaps become afraid of having sex as…just themselves? I think role play should be a fun occasional thing, rather than, say, an escape from something you’re afraid of – like being yourself. These are all just thoughts. Roleplay can exist in a lot of forms and for a lot of reasons in someone’s life. So if you’ve been wondering if it’s normal that your partner likes to do it a lot, the answer is probably nuanced.

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You should be yourselves sometimes

Roleplay can have its place in a relationship, but you should feel comfortable just being yourselves sometimes, too. If you only role play, then you never have sex as yourselves, meaning you never have the intimate physical experience of sex while in your own mindsets – in the character of you. And that’s an important part of feeling close to someone, even outside of the bedroom.

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A lot of sex uses the imagination

We may not realize it, but a lot of sex relies on the imagination. Our imaginations are running during sex all of the time. How often, when you aren’t facing your partner during sex, do you imagine him as someone else? Or do you imagine you’re acting out something you saw in an adult film? It’s okay. Everybody does it. Roleplay is just a more elevated version of using our imaginations, but we already use them in sex, all of the time.

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Roleplay allows one to release inhibitions

Roleplay can be a good choice for couples who want to try things in bed, but don’t quite feel comfortable asking for those things – maybe those actions don’t feel in line with who they are. But, this character that you play – she would totally ask for those things. So it can be a bridge to trying new acts, without feeling judged for asking for them.

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But, ideally, those inhibitions aren’t…disturbing

What you don’t want to see are inhibitions come out that are disturbing. Many people use role-play in order to comfortably ask to be spanked, tied up, use a toy, bring in a third person, you get the idea. But if your partner’s role play verges on a place that you feel is disturbing, and he wants to play characters that are actually frightening, it’s probably time to pull it back, and ask him…what lies beneath that?

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You should also release inhibitions other ways

While role-play can be a good way to release inhibitions, it’s important that you do still have other ways to release your inhibitions. Roleplay should not be a crutch. It’s easy to quickly treat it like alcohol, thinking, “I will not release inhibitions when I’m sober, ever. I can just wait until I drink to let them all out.” But then, when you drink, things can get out of hand. It’s the same if role play is the only time you let loose. Things can get out of hand. You need other outlets.

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Can your partner do without it?

Maybe you’ve been doing so much role-play, and enjoying it so much, that you failed to realize you haven’t had sex without it in…well you can’t remember how long it’s been. It’s always important that you know your partner could have sex without role-play, and that he’d enjoy it. If he stubbornly resists that idea, there could be some underlying issues, either personal issues he has, or ones in the relationship.

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For some, it can prevent infidelity

Many long-term and married couples get into role play as a form of remaining loyal. They need ways to keep things exciting. They need ways to make sex with their partner feel novel. That can be very difficult after decades with someone. At least when they role-play, they get the experience of “straying”, without actually straying.

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Remember, life is long for one partner

If we’re being real, a full life is a long time to just have sex with one person. Even if you’re happy with your partner, you may have been curious about what it would have been like to sleep with a fill in the fetish here. That’s okay to admit. Role play lets you emulate the experience of sleeping with several types of individuals while remaining faithful.

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Just don’t roleplay someone you know

Be careful not to choose roles that depict individuals you both know personally. Playing celebrities or famous figures is fine, but if your partner wants you to pretend to be, say, an attractive female neighbor who had already sparked some jealousy issues, that won’t end well. Likewise, you shouldn’t ask your partner to pretend to be, say, that male coworker he’s accused you of emotionally cheating with.

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It can’t be used to work out issues from the past

It’s not uncommon for individuals to use role-play to work out trauma from their past – this could be any nature of trauma. Perhaps they were cheated on. Perhaps they were abused by a partner, or a parent. If you see that your partner’s role-playing is entering into these areas, it’s important to talk to him, and suggest that he talk to a professional.

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It can’t be used to work out relationship issues

You also can’t use role-play to work out relationship issues. For example, if you’ve been upset with your partner for not listening better, you can’t leave a ball gag in his mouth longer than is comfortable while you yell at him. See what I mean? Make sure you’re all good, outside the bedroom, before doing any role play inside the bedroom. Otherwise, stuff will come up.

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There is intimacy in being yourselves

There is nothing more intimate than having sex as yourselves. So make sure you still mix that into your sex life. When you are yourselves, you connect both physically, and emotionally, and that helps you feel very close. Roleplay is fun, but it doesn’t do much for your emotional bond.

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But some couples are too intimate

Of course, we know that couples who have been together for a very long time can be too comfortable with each other, leaving the bathroom door open for serious business and sharing every detail of their lives, including the gross stuff. Roleplay can give them a chance to step out of the role of wife who requests special toilet paper to…well, hot stranger, whose toilet paper habits we know nothing about.

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Certain roles are offensive

It’s okay to tell your partner if you find some roles offensive. That may happen sometimes. He may suggest roles that you find misogynistic, or that promote violence, or that are even just personally triggering for you. It’s always better you speak up and don’t do these, then try to trudge ahead. Doing roles you find offensive can harm your relationship.

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You should feel comfortable saying, “No”

You always have the right to say no to any part of it – to a specific role, or to role-playing in general. If you feel that your partner pressures you to role play, or you fear you won’t have a sex life if you don’t do it, then things have gotten out of hand.

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