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This week I made a joke that was meant to be a totally fleeting comment that actually bumped my partner quite a bit. I was just standing in front of the mirror before bed, and noticed I’d put on a few pounds. “Must be all the late night chocolate I’ve been eating,” I said. And then I added, “Oh well! You’ll love me if I get fat anyways!” and ate another piece of chocolate on the spot. I thought it was hilarious. And I was proud of myself for not really caring that I’d put on a few pounds—it showed I’d come a long way from the days I wasn’t very comfortable in my body.
Just then I looked at my partner and caught him make this face. It was a combination of disappointed and surprised and…a little bit angry even. “What?” I asked him. “Nothing,” he said. “You clearly just made a face. Do you think I look bad? Does it bother you I put on weight?” I pushed him. “It’s fine, it’s fine!” he said, “You look good.” We were both silent for a minute and then he said: “Look, you look amazing. If you’re happy in your body, I’m happy. But I would never want us, as a couple, to reach a point where our appearance changed in a way we didn’t like, and we didn’t do anything about it because we’d just…given up. I hope we always keep trying for each other. You know—making an effort.”
Oooh. I saw what was happening. You know those jokes about women who do nothing but eat bon bons and quadruple in size the second their men put a ring on it? He feared he was watching that happen in real time. He thought that I thought that just because we’re committed to one another, I get to stop caring about how I look. And I can see why that bumped him. It’s not just a superficial, vanity thing. There’s more to this conversation.
There is some betrayal
Hey, look, when we commit to someone, there is some understanding that they will work hard to be the person we fell in love with, every day. We totally accept that that pertains to personality traits, like being thoughtful and ambitious. So, why would we give physical traits a break? It’s about the whole package: remaining the person your person fell in love with. You want that too, right? From your partner?
