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While some individuals can struggle with codependency, putting their romantic relationship before everything else all of the time, other people have the opposite problem. If you’re a go-getter, extremely social, or both, you may find that you have to remind yourself to put your romantic partner first sometimes. Though you do have many other important relationships in your life, from your close friendships to your family ties, it is only natural—and understandable—that your romantic relationship would be the one to which you give the most time and attention. Remember that your friends and family members probably also have romantic partners. They have their main person, so they don’t need you to treat them like your main person. But, I get it: you’re ambitious and you love to be out and about. Life pulls you in a million directions and you respond to that pull. But if you never put your romantic partner first, well, you may lose him. Here are signs you haven’t been prioritizing your relationship.


You learn about his updates from social media

You don’t even learn about his major updates—that promotion, landing that investor, getting recognized by that publication—from him. You learn about it from his social media post. He probably wanted to wait to tell you in person, but then so much time passed until he got any quality time with you, and he just had to share the news with the rest of the world.


You have to write down your stories

When something funny happens to you or you hear juicy gossip, you have to write it down on your list of things to remember to tell your partner. You so infrequently just sit down to a meal together that, by the time you do, a dozen funny things have happened. They pile up, and you can’t remember them on your own.


You always keep him waiting

Every date night you have together starts with you arriving very late because you gave someone else the time that belonged to your partner. You get there and he’s already had half a bottle of wine to himself, and the food is cold.


He has to set phone rules

Your partner has to set rules regarding phone use when you’re together. If he didn’t, you’d constantly be on your phone, answering emails and RSVPing to events. The really sad thing is that you secretly break the rules when he isn’t looking.


You haven’t had sex in over a month

Look, life happens and sometimes you can’t get it on for a while. But you should be able to find some time in a month to be intimate with your partner. If you really made it a priority, you’d find at least one time in a month.


Your “date nights” involve other people

You always try to shoehorn social events into your date night. You tell your partner it will be a special night, just the two of you, and then you talk him into taking this “date” to a party or social event.


He’s stopped inviting you to things

You start to realize that he goes to events you were probably invited to—like his friend’s birthday dinner—and he never mentioned it to you. That’s likely because he already knew you’d say no, so he’s given up on asking.


The sad part is, he’s right

The worst part is that you’re relieved that your partner has started to take the hint, and doesn’t even ask if you’d like to attend his office party or his friend’s Super Bowl party. You do see these activities with his friends as a burden more than a joy. You’d rather spend that time with your friends.


Someone else has become your confidante

While you’ve been spending even less time with your partner, you’ve been spending even more time with someone else. Maybe a coworker or a friend or a sibling or a neighbor. There is someone else who has become your surrogate partner, and that’s who knows all about your updates now.


People say, “Wow—you’re a busy couple”

People make comments like, “Wow. You’re always running around. Busy busy busy! It’s amazing you even find any time for each other!” (But, um, you don’t).


You’re expected at every social event

People would be genuinely shocked if you said, “I can’t make it to your event. I owe my partner some quality alone time.” That’s just not something you’ve ever said.


You hear, “Your partner must be very secure”

People say things like, “You must have a very strong relationship to survive how busy you are” or “Your partner must be very secure in himself to have a partner who goes out so much without him.”


Your tone has become all business

Your tone around your partner is all business. Every conversation revolves around running the household and this relationship as if it’s a business. You’re talking about booking plane tickets for holiday plans or choosing a new sofa, but none of it is done with love—it’s all done as if you’re talking to a colleague.


Silence is no longer comfortable

You no longer feel comfortable in complete silence with your partner. Comfortable silences only occur with people we’re very close with—very connected to. But if you haven’t been prioritizing your partner, then there is a good chance that you don’t feel connected.


He has a new confidante

Just as you have a new confidante, your partner does, too. He needs somebody to talk to. So you start to pick up on the fact that one of his best friends or siblings gets all of the updates that you should be getting. He goes to that person for comfort and support, rather than you.

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