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African American Couple Conflict

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This funny thing happened recently where my partner and I both admitted feeling a little…distant. Disenchanted. Deeply lonely. We’d both been having semi-existential thoughts and feelings. Why were we both feeling this way, at the same time? I started to work backwards and figure out what had been going on in our lives and I figured it out: we’re trying to get our finances in order to buy a home. That has triggered a huge uptick in conversations about finances—including some rather dark conversations surrounding inheritance and what happens if one of us passes away before the mortgage is paid off. That’s not the usual nature of conversation in our home. It’s naturally brought more stress into our lives. Buying a home should be fun and exciting, but before the fun can start, you have to dive into some heavy talks. As such, we haven’t been playful, sweet, or romantic with each other for a while. We let stress kill our romance. No wonder we’re both feeling lonely. Even if you aren’t going through such a major change as purchasing a home, regular life can cause this romance-killing stress. Here’s how it happens.


We see date night as a hindrance

When your partner suggests that you see a movie on Friday night, rather than think, “That’ll be a nice break from work,” you think, “I have so much work to do. I don’t have time for that. Don’t you know that?!” You treat quality time with your partner as something that gets in the way of your priority—rather than your priority.

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