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long term relationships

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Maintaining the mystery in a relationship is hard. One can only do it for so long. We, as humans, are pretty gross. Come on. You know it’s true. When you have the run of your own home, you do some things that make you consider covering up the camera and microphones on your devices—just in case the government really is watching. It’s not like you’re doing anything illegal but you are, like, squirting whipped cream directly into a jar of peanut butter that you’re eating like yogurt while hanging out on the couch topless wearing a green face mask. And if you live with a partner for a long time, you eventually have to let that peanut butter guzzling, braless freak flag fly. Here are funny ways the mystery dies in long-term relationships.


Hanging out with raccoon eyes

In the beginning, you partner saw you one of two ways: makeup either fully done, or makeup fully—cleanly—removed for that cute, fresh face. Now, you just go in the shower, rub your eyes, get those good raccoon eyes from all that smeared mascara, and walk around the apartment like that for a while before cleaning it off. You may have lunch with your man like that.


Confessing other crushes

At first, you only had eyes for your boo and he for you. Now you both admit that you have harmless crushes on other people. Hey: you aren’t blind. You know that new neighbor who is a personal trainer and works out on the balcony across from yours all oily and muscly is hot. You both know it.


Planning sex around digestive issues

You openly schedule sex around digestive issues, saying things like, “We should have sex before dinner because I want to order that cheesy dip at the restaurant and you know it gives me gas,” or “I can’t do morning sex: morning is when I spend my special time on the toilet.”


Sleeping the way you really sleep

Retainer in, funny facemask on, earplugs sticking out, ridiculous neck pillow, and perhaps even a stuffed animal. You no longer pretend that you’re comfortable without these things.


Coordinating shaving w/ the sex schedule

You sit down, look at your calendars, figure out when you’ll have sex that week, and then you do (or don’t) shave your legs and other areas according to that schedule.


Being real petty sometimes

You’re done pretending that you’re all grace and patience. Sometimes you just want to rag on your one pseudo-friend for being so damn skinny and organized. She thinks she’s so perfect. F her.


Not hiding used tampons

Remember when you used to wrap these in toilet paper, and then put that in a shoe box, and then put that shoe box in a dumpster in the next town? Yeah. Now you just let them balance on the top of the overly full bathroom trash bin. Exposed. Unwrapped.


Wearing truly hideous underwear

Like the granny panties with the holes and the period stains. You like sleeping in these. They breathe well. The holes certainly help with that.


Revealing your financial situation

You finally just let it be known that you are paying off one $4,000 medical bill, one large credit card bill, and your parents are still paying part of your rent. Oh and your whole phone bill.


Getting transactional about sex

“I gave you a blow job last time, can we skip it this time?” or “Let the record show I initiated sex this time.” You still enjoy sex together, but, you are done pretending that some parts of it don’t require a little work.


Pushing the limits of a hair wash

You ask your man to smell your hair and tell you if he thinks it’s time you give it a wash. If he’s on the fence, you think you can wait another day. Oh, and if he asks to shower together you say, “Sure but you can’t get my hair wait—I’m trying to keep this blowout for a few more days.”


Sniffing laundry in front of him

Right in front of your partner, you pluck out that sports bra you wore to spin class yesterday and for a jog the day before that. You decide it’s still fresh enough, and put it back on.


You only get dressed for other people

In the middle of getting dolled up for a double date at a restaurant, your partner tells you the other couple cancelled. So you get back into your jeans and oversized t-shirt. Nice clothes are for other humans.


You openly critique each other

You tell him the way he wears his pants is ridiculous. He tells you that you chew loudly. He tells you that you’re kind of mean to your mom. You tell him that the inside of his car is disgusting.


You clean each other’s undies

If he’s doing a load of laundry and asks if you need anything cleaned you say, “Sure” and you hand him your underwear. In all of its glory. With who knows what sorts of stains on it.

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