When my partner and I are doing the nasty, I sometimes sense him directing me/navigating the interaction into something that I think he saw in some adult films. I don’t tell him, of course, that I think that’s what’s going on because it would pull us out of the moment. But sometimes the directions are so specific that I just feel as if he is going off a visual map in his head from something he has seen before. And then, recently, he blatantly said to me, “I saw this type of underwear on a stripper in a movie. I’m into it. Would you consider wearing it for me?” So then he just honestly admitted he was recreating something from the somewhere…else. But you know what? It didn’t bother me. Some women find it disturbing if their partners want them to do things that they’ve seen adult film stars or strippers do. But I really didn’t mind. In fact, I was thrilled that he asked. I don’t think it should disturb us if our partners want us to help them recreate things they’ve seen on a laptop or…on a stage. I actually think it’s healthy. Here is why.
I’m flattered he sees a resemblance
Honestly, I’ve seen some of the stuff he watches on XXX websites. Those women are in shape. I’m glad that he thinks I resemble them enough that having me recreate what they do really makes the experience feel like an authentic recreation for him. I’m not saying that I generally want to look like an adult star but, personally, knowing the types he’s into, I am flattered he sees a resemblance.
And that he trusts me to be up to it
I also take it as a compliment that he trusted me enough to know I’d be cool about it. He even said he was hesitant to bring it up, since some of his friends had asked their partners for similar sexual favors and they got in trouble. In fact, they didn’t get sex again for a very long time. I thought that was a bit sad. I’m glad he knew I wouldn’t react like that.
I don’t want him holding onto that
I hate to think that he would want something in bed and just not say something. I asked him, “How long have you been thinking about this?” and he said “A few months.” Even that made me sad. I felt like so for a few months you’ve been dissatisfied and not saying anything?! I told him to never hold onto those desires that long again.
Nor do I want him feeling dissatisfied
I do love my partner, and I want him to be satisfied in bed. He’s very generous with me in bed. He’ll give me all the foreplay I want and adjust the positions to improve the chances that I finish before he does and if I don’t, he’ll still help me out after. So why should I deny him this?
I’m glad he can communicate with me
Hey, opening up about your sexual needs and wants in a long-term relationship isn’t easy. It’s actually easier to do with one-night stands because you don’t feel that you’re in any way disappointing some idea they had about you—they barely know you! I’m glad my partner still felt that he was safe showing me a different side of him in bed, and that I wouldn’t judge him or question everything I knew about him.
Better this, than he’s comparing me
I can either help him live out these fantasies in real life or I can not, and just know that he’s in the other room, watching X-rated films online, and comparing those women to me. He can be watching those films and thinking, “This looks better than what I’m getting.” I don’t want that.
Better this, than he cheats
Furthermore, I’d much rather prefer he asks for major changes in the bedroom than cheat on me. I’m not saying that sexual dissatisfaction is an excuse for cheating—nothing is. But I am saying that, if a couple doesn’t connect in the bedroom, it can be a domino effect to dissatisfaction in the relationship at large, and tendencies to perhaps emotionally cheat…I’m just glad we nip that in the bud early.
He doesn’t have the Madonna-Whore complex
A lot of men would never ask their serious partners to do the things they’ve seen in X-rated films because they put their partners on some unrealistic pedestal. They can’t possibly lust after someone the way they do their adult stars and respect that same woman. I’m glad my partner doesn’t have that issue. He respects and loves me, and wants me to be a freak in bed. He can happily see me as a respectable individual, and someone who is kinky.
I enjoy it, too
For the record, I’ve enjoyed the things he’s asked us to do. It hasn’t all been stuff that is just enjoyable for the dude. Plus, he looks up, um, content that I wouldn’t have thought of, so he brings in ideas I wouldn’t have known about.
I’m glad he’s keeping things interesting
Part of making a long-term relationship work is creating the illusion of novelty, even after you’ve been with someone for a long time. These fantasies he’s been bringing in make things feel new again.
It is sexy
It’s kind of sexy getting some direction in the bedroom. Even though, in real life (and in our relationship) I like to think I’m often in control and certainly equal to men, there is something that, on a primal level, is hot about having my partner boss me around in bed.
Every man thinks like this
To be clear, every man out there wishes his partner would do the stuff he sees in adult content. Every man. So, if yours isn’t saying it, it’s not because he doesn’t want it—he’s just afraid to ask for it. And if I wanted to leave this guy, thinking I’d find a man who didn’t have these desires, I’d be looking for that guy for…ever.
I’m glad mine tells me—and nobody else
I also know that if he weren’t living out these fantasies with me, he’d just be complaining to his friends about the things he wants to do with me but is too afraid to ask. I don’t want that happening.
I’ve done it to him, too
I have also asked him to do things for me in the bedroom that I saw on a naughty website. He doesn’t know that’s where I got the idea—but it is. So I’d be a hypocrite if I begrudged him for doing the same thing.
It’s made him want me more
Our sex life was sort of dwindling before TBH. We’d still do it once a week(ish), but I could tell it was more obligatory than OMG HE NEEDS ME. Now it feels like he really wants me and his sex drive is back—the way it was in the beginning of our relationship.