Life Events That Will Kill His Libido
When you first start dating someone, come rain or shine, hell or high heaven, you’re going to have sex. There is just that undeniable attraction. It doesn’t matter what either of you is going through in your personal lives or jobs—nothing can get in the way of that new relationship addiction. But, once you get comfortable with each other, and the relationship settles into a more stable, secure one, there is less focus on sex and more focus on building a life together. Your attention goes back to things like your careers and social lives. Because of this shift, it is easy for certain life events to quickly bring your sex life to a screeching halt. This is especially true once a man becomes so comfortable with you that he leans on you for support during difficult events. And you want to be there for him, no matter what, but it doesn’t change the fact that you still have a sex drive even if he…doesn’t. Here are life events that can temporarily kill a man’s libido.
Loss of a job
A man’s sense of self-worth correlates so strongly with how his career is going. While women can let go of the job-related stresses of the day and take back the night aka have sex with their partners after a bad day, men have a harder time with that. They really don’t feel attractive if their jobs aren’t going well, and they feel especially unattractive after losing a job.
Hang in there: it won’t last forever
The good news is that this is only temporary. Try not to pressure him into having sex with you when he’s down on his luck in work. It will only make him feel like he’s a disappointment in two areas of his life: his career and his sex life. It’s better, for now, to just get a good vibrator and not let him feel like a bad partner for not being in the mood.
If he remains unemployed for a long time, his libido will really take a plunge. And, that’s not easy on a relationship. Most guys can keep their heads up for a couple of months of job searching, but if things are still looking bleak six, seven, nine months in…and he’s still very unemployed…your sex life could be non-existent.
Get him out of town
It’s not good for you two to abstain from intimacy for this long. But so long as he is in his usual space, surrounded by bills and job applications, he won’t be able to get out of that unemployment headspace. Take a little trip together. If he’s low on money right now, go somewhere you can stay with friends. Stay in a motel. Getting out of town and away from real life has a way of reigniting the libido.
An obstacle to his dreams
Perhaps your partner has an entrepreneurial spirit and isn’t just working at any job—he is building towards his dream. He’s trying to start a company. He’s trying to get a book published. He’s trying to do something big, without the help of a corporation or the safety of benefits and a 401K. But with the excitement and possibilities of chasing one’s dreams there can come a lot of heartache. And if he gets rejected one more time for a grant or turned down by one more publishing house, he may plunge into a libido-crushing depression.
Help him brainstorm
If you want to get your sex life up and running again, you may just have to get into the trenches with him. He won’t feel up to anything fun—including sex—until he feels he has a new direction. Help him come up with a new game plan. Brainstorm with him. He’ll actually feel closer to you because of your participation, and that might just turn him on.
A pregnancy scare
So you had a pregnancy scare. Whoops. You already went through your own horrific emotional roller coaster with this one. But you got over it and your partner hasn’t. He’s terrified to have sex again. He never wants to feel that lump in this throat that he felt when you told him your period was late. So he hasn’t touched you in weeks.
Show him you’re responsible with birth control
When this happened with my partner and me, it really helped to show him just how on top of my birth control I was, and teach him a bit more about it in general. There is a lot that men don’t know about female birth control. Getting them out of the dark on it can help them feel more secure. I started setting audible alarms for the same time each day to take the pill, so he’d hear the alarm and see it go down.
Loss of a parent
Losing a parent is obviously very hard for many reasons. If he was close to this parent, it’s devastating because he lost a friend, too. If he had issues with this parent, that is a complicated feeling in its own right. Losing a parent also means you’re next in line for, well, you know. He won’t be thinking about sex for a while.
This, again, won’t go on forever
This, like unemployment, won’t last forever. It may feel like it does. Times can feel dark for a long time. But know that it’s normal for a man to mourn the loss of a parent severely for months if not more. Just be there for him. Don’t focus too much on the fact that your relationship isn’t quite “normal” right now. When he feels better, he’ll remember that you were there for him during this time, and he’ll feel closer to you than ever.
Loss of a family pet
We have very close relationships with our animals. I’ve been with several boyfriends when they received the news that their childhood family pet passed away. They were depressed for weeks.
It could help to get a pet together
You know what helped with one guy? Getting him a dog! We went to the shelter and adopted him a new friend. Though it didn’t bring back his childhood pet, it did let him feel good that he was providing a nice home for an animal who needed it. It brought life back into our life and…our bedroom.
All of his friends are having babies
So all of his friends are having babies. It seems every weekend you’re attending a baby shower or a gender reveal party. Your refrigerator is covered with “We’re expecting!” announcements. If your partner is nowhere near ready to have a child, all of this baby talk could turn him off to sex.
Assure him you aren’t ready, and spice things up
First off, assure him you don’t want a kid yet (so long as that is true). Second off, this could be a good time to spice things up in the bedroom. Bring in toys or the Kama Sutra book. Remind him that for you, sex is all about fun and intimacy, and not procreation.
Support rather than pressure is the ticket
The main take-way is to support your partner during these times. He is probably already worried that his depression is making him a bad partner. Pressuring him to have sex or reminding him how long it has been will only make things worse. Focus on helping him get through this difficult time and when it’s over, he’ll want you even more because you were such a great support system.