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texting friend all day

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If you’re in a relationship with a man or you even know a man vaguely well, then you know every dude is on some hyper-active, ongoing text thread with his boys. I personally cannot get through twenty minutes of a movie with my man without him picking up his phone, laughing like a hyena at some text, and then giggling like a little child—with his tongue sticking out excitedly—while he composes and re-composes his response to the thread. Male text threads are like some battle to always take things to the next level. That could be the level of offensiveness, disgustingness, or shock value. My girlfriends and I, personally, text each other photos of cute animals and updates on sales going on at our favorite stores. It’s pretty simple. If you’ve ever wondered what your guy texts his boys about on the thread, it’s probably something like this.


Sports roasting

If the various boys root for different sports teams, then when a game is on, they’re just roasting each other, back and forth, about how the rivals are making fools of themselves. It’s invigorating to them; it would look like code to me.


Weird business ideas

Men love to come up with weird business ideas. Sometimes, they’re semi-serious about it and get so far as patent talk. Sometimes, it’s just all for the sake of the riff. My boyfriend and his friend pretend they have a business in which they go to people’s houses and organize their DVDs. That’s it. They talk about it on the thread all of the time.


Retirement inspiration

My boyfriend and his friends daydream about being in their 70s, and just “killing the game” as they put it. This involves potentially living on ranches in Montana, or living on golf courses in Palm Springs, always within walking distance of each other—naturally—so they can drink all the beer they want without having to drive.


Health issues

Men don’t seem to seek medical advice from actual medical professionals as much as they do from their friends. My boyfriend and his friends love to send each other not-so-lovely photos of certain medical symptoms, and ask the thread for a diagnosis.


Pride over their health issues

Men aren’t just casual about their symptoms—they’re proud of them. Sometimes they’ll just have a contest to one-up each other over who has the most alarming symptom. They find this hilarious. I find it very concerning. (Ps get your man to a doctor–he’s probably overdue).


Relationship mistakes

If my boyfriend makes a relationship mistake such as…forgetting Valentine’s Day or commenting on my unshaved legs…the thread hears about it. They love boasting about what f*&k-ups they can be in their relationships.


Sexual embarrassment

I don’t know why, but my man and his boys think that impotence, whiskey dick, and similar conditions are some of the funniest things in the world. They absolutely report it to one another when it happens.


Convoluted inside jokes

There are some inside jokes that are basically a joke within a joke within a joke—inception style—that at this point, they couldn’t possibly explain them to somebody else.


Drunken behavior

Like their health conditions, men are also very proud of the dumb things they do when they’re drunk. The possibilities are truly endless here.


Photos of an active drunk one

If two of the boys are hanging out wasted, they’ll each start taking photos of the other, and sending those to the thread. Are they sometimes naked for no reason? Absolutely.


Getting in trouble at work

Messing up at work is a pretty common theme in the thread. The bigger the mistake they make, the funnier the thread thinks it is. If one guy gets suspended, they all go wild.


Men who they think are “the man”

In the same breathe as the retirement talk, they’ll also talk about their role models. Now, these aren’t famous athletes or politicians. These are men who turned a bathroom into a walk-in beer refrigerator—or something like that.


Millennial trends they don’t understand

Man buns, cropped pants, male rompers—when one boy gets wind of one of these, he sends a photo to the thread and asks, “Are we supposed to be doing this?”


Money questions (fake and real)

“Can I just use my dad’s 401K to go to the Bahamas?” and “Does my punch card at the pretzel place affect my credit score?” are just some of the questions you may find.


The one they think is whipped

There’s always one guy in the group whom all the other guys think is totally whipped by his partner. There’s usually an ongoing joke about that man being left out of his cage, or getting ten minutes of playtime in the sun when he’s been a good boy.

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