Why I Don’t Toss Salad And You Can’t Judge Me

January 31, 2019  |  
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tossing salad dude

Source: Karin Dreyer / Getty

There seems to be this new sexual movement of not only eating tons of *ss, but also judging those who don’t. I didn’t realize that, just because I don’t feel like getting E. coli poisoning meant I was a prude. I’ve experimented with same sex stuff though I’m a straight woman, I’ve used toys, and I’ve had my share of fun out there, yet suddenly—evidently—I’m as tight-laced as a nun because I won’t put my mouth directly on the place that releases the same stuff we spend the rest of our life and days avoiding. Restaurant employees can get sued for not washing their hands after using the bathroom and full states have to stop exporting certain vegetables over feces contamination but yet, here we are, fetishizing licking the area that produces it. Look, I don’t toss salad, and here’s why you can’t judge me for it.

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I don’t want it in return

First and foremost, I understand it would be selfish if I refused to do something that I want done to me in return. So, for the record, I don’t want anyone eating my *ss. I’ve never asked for it. When offered it, I turned it down.

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If anything, that’s for a life partner

Also, people are being so casual about it, eating the butt of someone they met that night. So, let me get this straight: you’re worried enough to use a condom, but not so worried you won’t lick her *sshole? Makes no sense.

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Men don’t maintain the area

As a woman who sleeps with men, I can tell you that men do not maintain the area. My boyfriend has to return to the bathroom throughout the day just to “re-wipe” because he didn’t do an efficient job the first time.

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The prep is unhealthy

In order to truly prep for a*&-eating, one has to go on a liquid diet for at least two days prior, and then use a suppository the day of (or a few suppositories). That’s the only way to really clean the area, and it’s not good for your body.

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But also, only adult film stars prep

Also, for the record, regular people are not even attempting that aforementioned prep. Only adult film stars who must to make a living do that. Greg who sells insurance doesn’t do that Wednesday, during meetings, to prep for his weekend sexcapades.

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But, really, no cleaning makes it clean

Even if someone goes through all that professional cleaning, the area is just never really clean. It still feeds into your lower intestine, which is, by nature, a dirty, dirty place.

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And seriously, men do not trim/shave

Men do not handle the hair down there. Every man I’ve seen naked had a nice, thick, dark row of hair going all the way up his crack. That’s not quite the floss I was looking for.

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We’re already having sex; be grateful

Sometimes I just think men are so ungrateful when they ask for this. Um, hello, I’m already letting you enter my body. How about a little gratitude?

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It can feel degrading

The act itself—the physical position of it and all—can feel very degrading. It’s worse than being on one’s knees to give a blowjob. It feels like you’re in a position of servitude.

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Um, pink eye

Pink eye is a real thing, it is a nightmare to get rid of, and it is very easy to get from eating *ss.

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My gag reflex

I have a very sensitive gag reflex. I can barely give a blowjob without gagging a few times. How do you think I’d weather with a#* in my face?

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Who’s kissing after that?

Kissing someone on the mouth after eating their butt seems very unsanitary. Now everyone just has butt breathe for…who knows how long.

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A finger should suffice

Look, if a guy wants a little butt action, I have hands and toys for that. I don’t need to put my health at risk (and risk vomiting everywhere).

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My partner is gassy

My partner is the gassiest man in the world. The mere thought of someone farting in my mouth…woah sorry, just almost vomited then.

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Bacteria-swapping causes infections

Eating someone butt then proceeding to give him head can lead to some serious infections.

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