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relationship problems advice

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Someone rather close to me consistently dates men whom she doesn’t respect. When she talks to me about them, it’s only to complain. All she has is negative things to say about them. When she talks to them, she criticizes them. If you were a fly on the wall when she spoke to her boyfriends you’d find yourself asking, “Do these people even like each other?” The tones used are certainly not loving or respectful. When I gently pointed out to this person how she speaks to her partners, she’d come back with justifications. She’d just repeat to me all the reasons they deserved that tone. And, for the record, her reasoning was often correct. But she was missing the bigger picture. The question isn’t why are you yelling at your partner but rather why do you constantly date men who make you want to yell? If that sounds like you, here are possible reasons you keep dating men you don’t respect.



You haven’t forgiven yourself

Perhaps you messed up really badly one time. Did you cheat on someone, and pretty much destroy him? Did you leave someone at the altar? If you once did something very bad in a relationship, you may still feel extremely guilty about it.


So you are punishing yourself

You might be punishing yourself by dating men whom you don’t respect. You don’t think you deserve to be with someone great because you were so not great in a past relationship. You’re going to have to find a way to forgive yourself—perhaps through therapy—so you can understand and really feel that you deserve someone good.


You haven’t forgiven an ex

Maybe it wasn’t you who messed up but someone else. Maybe someone hurt you badly. He left you angry with men—really angry. You can’t believe you ever trusted a man.


You never want to be fooled again

So now you date men who you constantly berate. Whether or not they’ve done anything wrong, you constantly look for things to accuse them of. It’s almost like you’re trying to catch them in a bad act so it doesn’t surprise you. You don’t want to be blind sided again, so you’re desperately searching for evidence something is happening.


You’re upset with your dad

I know it’s cliché, but anger issues towards our fathers can affect our romantic relationships. It’s cliché because it is true. I was very mean to the men I dated for about five years after I discovered my dad’s infidelity. In a way, your innocent brain believed your dad represented all men. If he messed up, you believe on a sub-conscious level that all men will.


They aren’t all the same

You know what would be the most upsetting thing of all? Letting a man who did something bad (your father) destroy your chances at happiness. If you can train your brain not to see your father in every other man, you can win back your love life. Nothing should control it except for your needs and feelings—not ghosts of the past.


You aren’t ready to open up

You may be afraid of being vulnerable. Dating someone whom you don’t really respect gives you an excuse to have walls up. You can say, “Well he is like this or does that, so I’m not going to put my walls down.”


You can’t be happy like that

It’s scary, but you’re going to have to find a man who deserves to have you put your walls down, if you’re going to be happy. Stop looking for men who give you an excuse to keep your walls up. Look for a man who gives you every reason to take them down.


You don’t respect yourself

Maybe you aren’t happy with yourself. Maybe you aren’t working towards your goals in the way you want to. It could be because you’re scared or you aren’t confident in yourself. So, naturally, you’d date men who also aren’t progressing towards their goals.


Work on yourself

Be the type of person who is worthy of a great person. Be the type of person you want your partner to be—your ideal partner. You owe it to yourself to go after your goals and work towards your dreams. You owe it to yourself for the simple fact that life is short, but also because that’s when you’ll feel worthy of a partner who is doing the same.


It helps you feel better about yourself

Maybe you just don’t feel good about yourself socially. You’re unreliable. You aren’t supportive of friends. You don’t make enough of an effort to keep up friendships. You aren’t nice to people.


You’re always better than him

If you don’t have it in you to change, the best you can hope for is to at least be with someone worse than you. Comparatively, you’ll always feel better. Look, if you want someone who is kind, reliable, honest, and generous, you have to be those things, too.


You’re afraid of something that works

You may just be afraid of finding your someone. That is a daunting feeling. You find your person and…then what? You’re just looking into oblivion. And then you care about that relationship and would be hurt if anything happened to it, or to that person. That’s frightening.


So you only find things that don’t work

By continuously being with men you don’t respect, you give your relationships an expiration date. You don’t have to worry about caring deeply about the relationship or fearing losing the person.


Ultimately, it’s a personal issue

Stop looking at the men you’re dating for answers as to why you’re unhappy. You’re the one who selects them, aren’t you? Nobody forces you to date them. If you date men you don’t respect and are constantly disappointed in, it’s because, for some reason, that’s all you’re comfortable with…for now.

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