Why Pining After Someone Is A Waste Of Time

August 9, 2018  |  
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Gettyimages.com/Shot of black businessman and African-American business woman on the go holding coffee cup and digital tablet and smiling in New York City, USA. City and skyscrapers in the back.

Remember how deliciously painful your first teen “love” was? I put that in quotations because you now know that wasn’t really love. You didn’t even know who you were as a teenager, let alone what you needed in a partner. You were in love with love. You were infatuated with the idea of love. Getting romantic attention excited you or, giving romantic attention excited you. Now, that is all fine and good for when we’re kids but, once we’re grown*ss adults, we can’t be out there, pining after people. If you are interested in someone, you should make that known. Then you can see if the interest is mutual, and go on from there. I have too many well-meaning, good-hearted male friends who are pining after their female best friends or the barista at their favorite coffee shop who never make a move. And, it’s not good for anyone. Here is why it’s never good to pine after somebody.


You distance yourself

When you pine after someone, you automatically create a sort of distance. You put them on a pedastol, and create this emotional separation. They’re way over there, and you’re way over here. You act in a way that heightens that distance, and then the person probably just thinks you don’t like them at all.


It’s a waste of time

Pining after someone is a huge waste of time. You should just say what you want, see if they want it in return, and move forward one way or another. Life is short. Why waste it on pining after a person? A job? Anything, really?


It probably isn’t mutual

Look: if you’re in a situation by which you are pining then, I hate to break it to you but, the person probably just isn’t interested. If they were interested in you, they would have said or done something to indicate that by now—a small flirtation, a giving of the phone number, an asking of a coffee date. If nothing like that has happened—nothing—then this person probably put you in the friend zone a while ago.


Why are you being a martyr?

For goodness sake, don’t be a martyr. It’s ridiculous. It’s not cute. If you ever do get together with this person, the fact that you pined after them for a long time won’t add depth or importance to your relationship. Nothing is deep or important about it until it begins, so get going already.


You don’t invest in other dates

You know that if you’re pining after one person, there is no way you’re really investing in other people. When you go on dates, you’re just comparing them to the person after whom you’re pining, wasting everybody’s time.


You idealize them

You idealize this person. The longer you wait to make something happen, the more perfect you make up a potential relationship to be in your head. That’s not fair on that person—he’s only human.


You may not even be compatible

If you’d just go on a freaking date, and see where things could go, you may very well find that you don’t even like this person. You could discover that you and this person do not get along and are not compatible. Wouldn’t it be a shame to wait years to discover that?


But if a date happens you’ll ignore problems

Unfortunately, the longer you pine, the more you need things to go well if they happen. That means that you’ll ignore red flags, and swallow your feelings when you don’t like something the person does or says. Your psyche can’t handle the reality that this person for whom you waited forever isn’t perfect.


It kills your self-esteem

Pining after somebody just kills your self-esteem. Having something that you want, for a long period of time, after which you do not go, naturally kills your self-esteem. You’re telling yourself you aren’t worthy of going after the things you want.


Your friends are tired of it

Your friends cannot hear you talk about the person after whom you’re pining for one more day. If you want to actually go for it, and you have an update about how that went, they’ll listen to that. Otherwise, they’re over this sob story.


If something happens, you’ll be impatient

So, if things do go somewhere with this person, you’re bound to want to say I love you and get married and have babies by the fourth date because, in your head, you’ve been in love with this person for years. But to them, this connection is brand new. That imbalanced pacing is unhealthy.


You’ll let them walk over you

Because you want things to go smoothly (you waited so long, after all) you may not speak up when you’re unhappy. You may not want to admit when the person isn’t making you satisfied. So you could get walked all over.


You give away too much power

You just give away so much power when you pine over somebody. Their every little word and action can make your day, or ruin your mood. And, it’s not even really that person doing it—it’s your idea of them.


This isn’t middle school

You’re an adult. What are you doing? Don’t you know by now that it’s okay to tell someone how you feel and that if they don’t feel the same way, that it won’t kill you? And that it doesn’t mean you aren’t desirable—it just means you aren’t compatible.


You’re oblivious to people who want you

While you’re busy pining after this one person, you’re blind to the wonderful other prospects who are pining after you. You’re all in this vicious cycle of desiring, and not speaking up.

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