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Is there such thing as waiting too long to have sex with a love interest? I understand that, sometimes, you don’t even realize you’re into someone that way for months (or years!) so, naturally, a lot of time passes between the day you meet them and the day things become physical. But what about from that moment you realize you want someone? Is there such thing as letting too much time pass? Can you miss your window? I’ve had a few friends try the whole, “Let’s wait three months” thing and, they’ve had mixed results. As humans, we evolved to want to basically jump the bones of people to whom we’re sexually attracted. Is there value in resisting that urge? In fighting biology? Is there a reason our bodies have a hard time resisting someone when we’re into them, and perhaps good reason? Let’s discuss: can waiting too long to have sex ruin things?
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One person has to make the call
When you wait a long time, it leaves both people feeling like, “Well, one of us has to call it.” In other words, it creates a dynamic by which one person feels like they “lose” or are “weak” if they’re the first one to say, “Can we stop waiting?”
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And that person feels impatient
The person who calls it feels like the other one is judging them—almost as if the person who asks to finally stop waiting is impatient or can’t control herself. That’s not really fair because, it’s just human nature.
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Hormones won’t distract you from the truth
At least if you aren’t having sex, then you won’t have hormones fogging up your clarity. You can see someone clearly. You aren’t high on sex, and letting red flags slide left and right.
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Or, the waiting confuses you
Well, waiting can either give you clear vision or just confuse you. I’ve had friends dismiss red flags because they just said, “Everything will be easier once we have sex.” But, will it?
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It can put pressure on it
Waiting definitely puts pressure on the actual sex when it finally happens. You expect it to be this really intense, seamless, emotionally connected thing. But, sex for the first time with someone new rarely is.
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And you can read into it if it goes badly
If the first time isn’t great, you might read into it. You waited all of this time and it wasn’t perfect? When you sleep with someone early and it’s not amazing, you can at least say, “Ah, we just weren’t that connected yet” but you can’t say that when you waited.
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You may sleep with someone else
Hey, you have needs. And you may just have to go sleep with someone you don’t like while you’re waiting to sleep with the person you do like. Then you may just piss off the person you do like…or catch feelings for the other person.
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You can slide into the friend zone
If you wait too long, your window can close. That tension has to go somewhere—either into sex or it just diffuses. You may just wake up one day and realize you’re not interested in each other anymore.
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Maybe you were made for the friend zone
Of course, if the last thing happens, then maybe you were just meant to be friends? Mmm, I don’t know. Most couples sleep together early, and then develop friendship, but still have that addition of a sex life because it was pre-established. That’s actually a pretty good arrangement, but you can miss it if you let the sex part fall to the wayside.
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There is guilt associated with it
Suddenly, there is all this guilt associated when you do it—like you failed. The longer you wait, the worse you feel when you stop waiting. But there should be guilt around it.
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It can interfere with the natural flow
If you start having sex together early, you just fall into a natural rhythm. You don’t get into your heads about, “Are we having sex every time now?” But when you wait, you can get in your head about the rhythm.
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Sleepovers don’t really happen
If you aren’t having sex, you aren’t really having sleepovers—there’s too much temptation. But sleepovers have a special bonding effect too that it’s a bummer to miss out on.
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You know it’s not just about sex
If you aren’t having sex, at least you know that your relationship isn’t all about sex. When you do introduce sex, you know your relationship will survive dry spells and busy times when you just can’t do it.
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Your friends get in your head
Your friends, of course, get in your head. They always want to know if you’ve done it yet. It feels like all eyes are on you and it puts even more pressure on things. And your friends sort of suggest that if you haven’t had sex yet, that something is wrong.
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Sex is a big part of intimacy
Sex is a big part of intimacy. I mean, it’s the act that separates a friendship from a romance. We do experience bonding hormones when we have sex with someone. It is, whether we like it or not, kind of an important part of building a relationship.
