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Some people believe everybody has a kinky side—that waiting beneath the surface of every well-behaved and seemingly demure individual is someone just waiting to be tied up and ball gagged. Honestly, sometimes I think people who say that just do so to justify their own love of BDSM, but there is nothing to justify. Hey, do you! It’s alright if you love to be kinky. But the truth is that not everybody does. Everyone should explore their wild side at some point just to make sure they aren’t limiting themselves in their experiences. But for the record, some people are just…vanilla. Like me. I walked on the wild side and just wasn’t that into it. It’s not my thing. I wasn’t afraid of it or uncomfortable with it; it just didn’t add much to the experience of sex for me. Some people have a hard time accepting that about me. I’m not into kinky stuff, here’s what that’s like.

Ignore them

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People assume I’m uptight

People assume I’m uptight and difficult about all things—that I must also have strict dieting rules, don’t like to dance, am easily embarrassed and so on. None of that is true. I kind of don’t have an insecure bone in my body. I’m very open to new experiences and don’t care if people laugh at my expense. That has nothing to do with whether or not I enjoy anal beads.

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People assume I’m judgmental

I really don’t think anything of those who are into some really dark, kinky stuff. If you live in a sex dungeon and need to ask your master to get up to go the bathroom or to loosen your neck cuff, more power to you. I don’t see any reason why we wouldn’t enjoy lunch together.

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Everyone thinks if only I’d try

I have tried. But everyone who is into some really S&M business is always trying to sell me on it. Sometimes it’s like they’re members of a cult whose job it is to always recruit people. Why do they care so much if I’m into what they’re into?

 

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How will we keep things fresh?

Sure, sometimes I wonder how my partner and I will keep things fresh if we’re together for decades. We won’t be turning to threesomes or pegging, that’s for sure.

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Oh, by having less sex

Oh, but then I realized that, after you’ve been together for a long time, sex isn’t really the main point of the relationship anymore. You have it less, and for that reason, it’s special when you do.

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Sexy gifts aren’t for me

Sometimes friends try to give me vibrators, dildos, edible underwear, and things like that. Everybody gets all excited and makes “Oooooooh” noises and talk about what a lucky man my partner is. I react to those gifts the way you might react to a knitted sweater from your aunt.

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Walking by sex shops is awkward

Passing by sex shops with my partner is always a funny experience. We both know we just aren’t into that kind of thing. And we’re both thinking, “Don’t look at the strap-on don’t look at the strap-on” because we’ll start laughing, but that’s rude, because that is somebody’s store.

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A new position is very exciting

For us, exciting is a new position. If somebody pulls out some acrobatics or lifts someone up or gets some furniture involved, we get pretty giddy about that.

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When men promise to, “Make my wildest dreams come true”

Don’t have those. So you can stop lowering your voice and doing that thing with your eyebrows. Whatever tricks you have up your sleeve aren’t for me. You better have a great personality because I won’t be won over by “mind-blowing” sex.

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There have to be emotions

For some people, maybe the excitement of toys and gadgets can compensate for there not being love or emotions in the act. And that’s okay—in fact, I get that. But since that doesn’t work for me, I don’t really get excited about sex unless I have feelings for the person.

A troubled wife turns to Reddit for advice after struggling to forge a relationship with her new husband's ex.

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Little to share at girls’ night

When everyone swaps stories of weird new things they’ve tried in bed recently, I just sip my margarita and smile. I definitely enjoy hearing the stories and I’m glad my girlfriends are happy. I wish they didn’t feel sorry for me when I had nothing to report because I’m happy!

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Fifty Shades et al is unamusing to me

All the books and movies that “Fifty Shades of Grey” has inspired don’t do much for me. Honestly, when I read them, they’re filled with exactly what I thought they would be. I think that type of content is kind of like a cooking or vampire show: you always know what you’re going to get, so you better just enjoy the genre if you’re going to watch it.

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I tell new guys, just so they know

I let new guys know nice and early that I’m pretty vanilla, so if they need spiky, slithery, leather things to enjoy a relationship, they should probably look elsewhere. I won’t take it personally. I’m just not in the business of pretending to be something I’m not.

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Oh, and most men don’t care

Here’s a little tip to women out there who are pulling out all the stops to keep men entertained; most men are happy to get laid either way. So if you aren’t into kinky stuff either, you don’t need to push yourself.

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I don’t care about the mystery

Not being into kinky stuff is just part of the package with me. I don’t care much about creating illusions, mystery, and excitement. I’m very open about digestive issues, for example, so dressing up like some perfect sex vixen just feels like a lie to me. I mean, odds are I went to the bathroom with the door open in front of that person.

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