I understand that not everyone likes the word vagina. Honestly, I think it’s just because we associate it with those awkward days of sex education class, when we were all 11 years old, terrified, and just wanted to run back out to the playground. If that’s not why the word irks you, it could just be that it’s so…anatomical. It isn’t playful or sexy. But that’s just because it’s in your language. The Finnish word for vagina is emätin. That doesnt sound so bizarre, right? The Vietnamese word is âm đạo. See—when you’re not used to hearing it, it loses its taboo. Nonetheless, we’ve come up with a lot of nicknames for our precious flower throughout the centuries. Some are kind of cute and fun, but some need to go. Here are nicknames for our vagina: the cute, the funny, and the ones we should retire.
In Shakespearian plays, you often find the vagina referred to as a “house.” If you ask me, that does our vaginas justice. After all, they are the entrance to where a baby lives for nine months. They do contain and nourish life and activity.
This one comes from historic words for “Pussy.” But it really makes it sound like a bunch of uptight women carrying parasols are walking around in there, judging anyone who tries to enter.
Why yes I do believe our vaginas deserve the ranking of a precious, expensive, and beautiful ocean stone. But perhaps it’s a bit weird that one has to pry an oyster open with extreme force to get to a pearl.
Hmm. This one reeks of some spiritual guru who believes we hold all of our wisdom and intuition inside of our vaginas. I do think women are quite wise and intuitive, but we get that from our experiences—not our labias.
Okay vaginas are lovely but let’s also not spread dangerous rumors about their aroma or appearance. They’re sticky, have odd folds, and can create very interesting smells. Nobody should go down there expecting to find a sweet smelling and symmetrical rose.
A crease is an accident. You leave a crease in pants when you pack them under a box in your closet. You leave a crease in an important document when you accidentally fold it in a drawer. Our vaginas are no accident.
Beavers are adorable. But they’re also very furry and build giant dams that block fluid from passing. And they have pretty big, gnarly teeth if you look closely enough. Our vaginas are not these little water-dwelling creatures.
No, no, no, no, NO! This nickname implies the vagina was created for the sole purpose of holding a penis. What about lesbians? What about celibate individuals? Hey, what about the fact that the vagina passes life through it! You know what’s a vagina glove? A man’s hand.
Hey, sure, why not? Any nickname that encourages men to go down there and munch a little more is fine by us.
Tunnel of love
Um, hi, excuse me: it’s the year 2017 and plenty of women have sex with men they do not love. Let’s not create any delusions that imply women give out any sort of emotional affection by having sex. We decide that with our minds, not our vaginas.
I honestly think that any man out there who has ever referred to a vagina as a bearded clam should never be allowed entrance to a vagina again. Do we call your penises gross, hairy sticks? We can start if you’d like.
Penis fly trap
Oh, right, sure. Because it’s women who aggressively pursue men for sex. Riiiiight. Men don’t want to be in there at all. It’s not like they dedicate most of their thoughts and time to getting in there. No. Never.
I suppose the implication here is that if you open a woman’s vagina you’re asking for a world of trouble. But that’s only true if you don’t treat her well.
Breakfast of champions
THANK YOU! Whoever came up with this one is a champion in our book. If you’re a straight male in a relationship, vagina should be the first thing you eat in the morning.
Well, that makes sense. Since most men’s penises are just unruly, misbehaved, conniving creatures.