All Articles Tagged "divorce"

Tichina Arnold Announces Divorce

January 15th, 2016 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Splash News

Splash News

Tichina Arnold will be divorcing her husband of three years, People reports.

A spokesperson for the “Survivor’s Remorse” actress dropped the bomb Friday that Arnold and St. Johns University basketball coach Rico Hines would be ending their marriage. While the representative did not offer further details, it is being reported that infidelity is what pushed Arnold to take action.

TMZ is reporting that Arnold discovered a sex tape featuring Hines with another woman.

“It’s over between Rico and I. This is where I part ways and all bets are off,” she reportedly told friends and relatives in a group text in which she also shared the video.

And according to reports, the tape is only the tip of the iceberg. Sources claim that Hines has been unfaithful with at least 20 women—some with whom he had unprotected sex.

“I can’t for the life of me understand why Rico would video himself f—ing ‘raw dog’ ONE of his MANY extraneous whores that ‘trick’ on him for his money,” she reportedly vented in the text.

Sources also claim that Arnold is deeply concerned about sexually transmitted diseases and has plans to get tested. While it is confirmed that the “Martin” actress does want out of the marriage, her spokesperson would not speak on the cheating rumors, neither would Hines.

“This is a private and deeply personal matter between my wife and me, and I do not want to comment any further at this time,” Hines told TMZ.

Arnold and Hines tied the knot in 2012 in a Hawaiian wedding ceremony.

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A Company Is Offering To Pay For Your Wedding Under One Condition

December 18th, 2015 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Shutterstock

If complete strangers offered $10,000 to pay for your wedding, would you take it? What if there were strings?

That’s the exact kind of deal that a startup company called Swanluv is offering to couples who intend to tie the knot within a couple of years.

How it works:

Couples submit an application requesting the funds online. If approved, they’re required to sign a wedding fund agreement, and they receive the money.

The catch:

Should you and your sweetie divorce, you’ll be required to pay back the borrowed money plus the interest that has accrued over time. The money paid back to Swanluv by divorced couples will be used to fund the weddings of engaged couples are who new applicants to the program.

According to their website, the program is completely free for couples who stay married.

Of course, the company has been accused of trying to profit from America’s sucky divorce rate; however, they insist that this isn’t true. Instead, they say that they believe in love and want “to keep the dream alive.”

Swanluv insists that they don’t profit from the divorces in any way, adding that they make their money from advertising partnerships.

“100% of the money collected from members who are later divorced is used to provide funds for future couples’ dream weddings. Swanluv keeps the dream alive,” the website reads. ‘

While tempting, I don’t believe that I could bring myself to sign a contract like this. What about you?

Holidaze: 5 Things To Avoid When Your Ex Is Stressing You During The Holidays

December 18th, 2015 - By Chuck Creekmur
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Shutterstock

Lets face it, we all have ex’s that are batpoop crazy, for any number of reasons. Some of them are legitimately mentally unstable. Others are scorned, broken and vindictive. And many of them are simply sleeping in a bed harder than the one with you.

So, with it being the holiday season, it is only getting worse. Families are fragmented. People are lonely and cold. Bae might be a memory. Hell, those support payments may have dried up. Whatever the reason, you are the object of their intense loathing.

Here are five things I think it makes sense to avoid when your ex is stressing you during the holidays:

1. For whatever reason, your ex likes to lure you into drama. The reasons are oftentimes unknown. Perhaps they want you back and are secretly vying for your attention. Maybe they’re upset you moved on. Maybe, just maybe they find meaning in life when you give them some attention – any attention.

Don’t fall for it. Getting into arguments with a drama-challenged individual does nothing for you. Sure, you could blast them or cuss them out, but then they would have a “war story” to tell everybody on social media. On top of that, your day is ruined. Hell, if you are in Florida, they may be able to kill you based on the “Stand Your Ground” feeling of being threatened.

2. Whatever you do, DON’T BASH THEM IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS. The kids are smarter than you will ever know. They know your ex is crazy However, it is not up to you to tell them unless they are somehow endangering the child’s welfare. However, that person that’s attempting to drive you out of your mind is still your kid’s mother or father. The kids most likely love them despite their mania.

3. Do not assume anything is past them. Let me tell you, a scorned man or woman is capable of just about anything. They might call the police on something trivial or accuse you of domestic violence. They may show up to your house unannounced, probing for another lover. They may even steal the child’s house key to your home and just…go in. Yes, they are a pesky bunch. I can tell you from experience, they will lie to police, deceive family members and even believe their own lies. Even the children are not off limits.

4. Do not let them go on and on and on without checking them. Somebody has to say something some time or the little scorned ex is going to continue to do whatever they feel they can get away with. There are a number of ways to deal with it, but I do not recommend you give a sketchy dude a bag of money and an address. Write it all down, save messages and if you feel threatened, contact the proper authorities.

5. Here is something to do, rather than not. Pray for their safe return to sanity. Certainly, prayer works. However, it only works if we work. Or if they work. Either way, there are simply some things that are out of your control. Bring the kids into the prayers too, because they know more than you realize.

Happy Kwanzaa!

Brittney Griner’s Divorce Halted By Paternity Dispute

December 16th, 2015 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Instagram

Brittney Griner’s divorce proceedings have lasted longer than her actual marriage, and it appears that, even now, it may be a while before things are finalized. According to our sister site, Bossip, the estranged couple’s divorce is currently at a standstill due to a paternity dispute.

As previously reported, Griner’s wife, Glory Johnson, announced her pregnancy hours before news broke that Griner filed for an annulment. In October, she gave birth to twin girls prematurely. The infants remain in a Tennessee hospital. Griner is seeking to evade parental responsibility of the children, claiming that while she participated in the initial stages IVF process, she was not made aware when the embryos were transferred to Johnson’s uterus. In the divorce petition, Griner argued that she’d been coerced into the entire thing.

Johnson’s attorneys will be required to turn over her medical records from the fertility clinic. From there, the courts will determine how they will proceed regarding this issue and whether or not this case should go to trial. The case will be revisited by a judge next month.

Griner and Johnson married in May 2015 just days after a domestic violence incident that resulted in their arrests. Griner filed for an annulment in June. Her request, however, was denied.

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Serious Question: Do You Judge People Who Date Before The Divorce Is Final?

December 14th, 2015 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Bravo TV

Bravo TV

Phaedra Parks appeared on Sunday night’s episode of “Watch What Happens Live” alongside Patti LaBelle. During the show, a fan asked the soon-to-be divorced mother of two whether or not she plans to begin dating again in the near future. The “Real Housewives of Atlanta” star’s answer was simple: yes, but only after the divorce is final.

“Um, when I get divorced,” Parks, whose divorce is “in process,” said before flashing her wedding ring. “I’m still married.”

LaBelle and Parks’ mother, Pastor Regina Bell, who also appeared on the episode, applauded the reality star for that decision. The matriarchs in my family would certainly echo this sentiment if they were in on the conversation. They maintain a pretty solid stance when it comes dating married folk—even if those married folk are in the process of getting divorced.

“No matter how you slice it up, it’s adultery in the eyes of God,” is what they would say if they were a part of that discussion.

Being young and having zero relationship experience and minimal life experience of my own, I didn’t bother establishing my own opinions on the topic. I adopted the stance of my relatives, which seemingly stems from the Bible, without ever really putting much thought into it. But after spending a hot two minutes in the real world, my feelings began to sway, slightly. I got to know a beautiful couple; they’ve been in a loving and happy relationship for about ten years. Both are close to 50 years of age and the man is still married to a woman he tied the knot with in his 20s. His explanation for still being married: his estranged wife won’t grant him a divorce. She lives on the other side of the country, and they split long before he met his current partner, whom he wishes to marry but can’t until things are settled with his ex. I couldn’t imagine anyone looking down on them because of their situation. But perhaps it’s because I know and love them.

While I could certainly see how getting romantically involved with a person while you’re still technically married to someone else could get pretty messy, is it old-fashioned to expect people to wait until the state recognizes that their marriage is over before they try dating again?

Noirettes, please weigh in.

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Mariah Carey And Nick Cannon Are Just Like Us: Co-Parenting Through The Holidays

December 7th, 2015 - By Kweli Wright
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Instagram

This year will mark the first Christmas Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon celebrate after divorcing. And like some moms and dads, that doesn’t mean they’ll set aside their family traditions.

The singer recently sat down with E News! while promoting her new children’s book “All I Want for Christmas” in New York, and opened up about their plans for the holidays.

Mariah says the twins, Monroe and Moroccan, have already written their letters to Santa. “Santa Claus comes every year and real reindeer are there, of course, as well. [We have] too many traditions to name! We go on a two-horse open sleigh and spend Christmas in Aspen usually so I can have a white Christmas, so it’s really nice,” she explained.

As far as how she and Nick plan to co-parent through the special time of year, she says, “I think we’re all just learning as we go. We’re doing the best we can, and it’s all about the kids. That’s it!”

Nick reciprocated her same thoughts in an interview with Howard Stern recently, expressing his happiness over her new relationship with James Packer. “That’s awesome, isn’t it? It happened a lot faster than you thought,” he told Stern who confessed he thought it was all a little bit fast. However, Nick promised he’s just glad to see her doing well. “As long as she’s happy and my children are happy.”

Nick says family comes first. “[I see them] all the time! We’re in the same city together,” he explained. “My house is more in the suburbs, and they’re in the city. We hang out all the time.”

He added, “You know what’s really cool, and I love this, and my daughter will be like, ‘I don’t want to sleep here! I want to go sleep at my other house.’ So we’ll just put her in the car and drive her to Mom’s house. Like even Thanksgiving, it was really cool because we all had Thanksgiving together…At the end of the night my son was like, ‘Yo! I want to go with you!’ And my daughter was like, ‘I’ll see you tomorrow! Come pick me up in the morning.’ So we had a boys night!”

No Drama: What My Children Taught Me About Divorce

December 1st, 2015 - By MommyNoire Editor
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Shutterstock

Sometimes the biggest lessons in life come from the littlest people. At a “staggering” five feet tall, I suppose that I would technically be considered one of those little people, but for clarification’s sake, let me just start by saying that the little people I’m talking about here are children– my children. And in this case, that lesson was about divorce.

From the moment my ex and I decided to separate, I obsessed over how we were going to break the news to the kids. When we’d do it. How we’d do it. The first thing we decided was that it was going to me and not we doing the talking. Not necessarily because I’m better at these things than he is…. No, that was it. I’m just better at these things than he is. And I imagined that if it were both of us, it would be this Huxtable-style family meeting that we’d go into with good intentions, but come out with four children forever traumatized by the sight of all of us sitting in a circle with our tacky sweaters and Jell-O pudding pops, crying.

That was my view of it. But the truth is that growing up, I never had to go through anything remotely close to this, and I couldn’t even imagine what it was going to be like for the kids; how much their lives were going to change from the instant we said the words: “We’re getting a divorce….” The years of therapy they’d spend talking to a psychologist about how I’m the root of all of their problems in life (which will likely happen divorce or no divorce).

For days I cried, and cried…and then cried some more. I stressed, and stressed…and then stressed some more; because I knew that however I did it, this was something they’d remember for the rest of their lives.

Because I was dealing with two older children and two younger ones, I thought it would be best to tell them at different times so I could handle two different kinds of questions that I knew I probably wasn’t going to be able to answer the right way anyway.

I talked to the older kids first.

I walked down the hallway to my oldest’s bedroom where the two were playing video games (a rare moment where they were actually getting along). I stood in the doorway and asked them to pause the Xbox for a minute.

Not giving myself the chance to back out, I blurted, “We’re getting a divorce,” and I braced myself for the tears and the screams of “Why God? Why?” Because after all, they are my children and they have my tendency to be a little on the dramatic side. There weren’t any tears though. It was just quiet. I thought that maybe they were expecting me to say something else. So I did.

“It just wasn’t working out,” I said. “So your dad’s gonna be moving into his own apartment.”

More silence.

“We’re still friends though!” I rushed to add. I thought it was important that among all things, they knew that.

I waited for them to respond. They both stared at me, and then the younger one finally spoke.

“Can we un-pause the game now?”

It definitely wasn’t the question I was expecting, but I was relieved that at least it was one that I could answer.

“I guess. Go ahead,” I told them. “Just don’t say anything to the little ones. I haven’t talked to them about it yet.” By that time they were already mesmerized by Madden again.

I didn’t chalk that one up as a success for me, but I was glad it was out of the way. The only problem was that I knew the two younger children were next.

I waited a couple of days to talk to them. In part because I needed to give myself a mental break, but I also wanted to wait for the weekend when I’d have more time with them to dry their tears and help them process all of their emotions; even though I hadn’t been very good at processing my own.

Once again I walked down that hallway not knowing what to expect after I said those words.

I can’t say that I even remember what came out of my mouth to start the conversation, but I’m sure that whatever it was, it probably wasn’t the best thing that could’ve been said at the time. The important thing was that I said it. It was out there.

“What does divorce mean?” my daughter asked.

“It means that mommy and daddy won’t be married anymore.”

“Do you have a boyfriend? Because I don’t want two moms and two dads.” That was my son; always one to cut the crap and get straight to the matter at hand.

“Nobody is getting married again right away. You don’t need to worry about that right now,” I assured him. But what I needed was someone to assure me, because all of a sudden I was freaking out on the inside, terrified at the thought of being replaced.We talked a little about how daddy and mommy were still friends; how they’d still see him all of the time and other important things that I can’t quite recall.

I do remember, however, that there weren’t any tears. No “Why God? Why’s.”

There was only one more question: “What’s for dinner?” Dinner. All of this going on and they wanted to know about dinner.

Did I do it wrong or something? Should I have made it out to be a bigger deal than I did? And what is for dinner? Later, as I was cooking, I thought about it all over and over again.

Why weren’t they broken up about this like I was? Why didn’t they have all the questions that I had?

I’d like to think that a large part of it was that I might have actually done something right. But I think there was also something those little people knew that I hadn’t yet figured out. In all of my obsessing over what went wrong in the marriage and whose fault it was, I didn’t realize that I couldn’t spend my time dwelling on things. It happened. We got a divorce. But life goes on.

Madden has to be played. Dinner has to be made.

As the days have gone by, there have been questions. I know there will probably be many more. And it’s likely that I may not always have the answers. But that’s okay. We’ll get through it. We’ve made it this far, and we’ll go even further as we live our lives. And as for whether I did it wrong or not– only time and their therapy bills will tell.

Merrily Blended: 7 Tips for Holiday Co-Parenting Peace

November 24th, 2015 - By MommyNoire Editor
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Corbis

By Mimi Scarlett

The most wonderful time of the year is upon us. A time of the year where society inundates us with the message that everyone is full of good cheer and existing peacefully with their family and loved ones. Truth of the matter is, the holidays are a time of turmoil for some for a plethora of reasons.

Those who co-parent may often find handing their child over to the other parent during the holiday season to be an especially hard time especially when young children are involved. While others are gathering together, having to hand your child off to the non-custodial parent or having to be without your child can be very difficult.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Thanksgiving through Christmas is an exciting and amazing time for young children. It isn’t far removed to say that a parent who has been minimally active during the child’s life for a large part of the year will find ways to make themselves relevant during the holidays to win over young children who aren’t old enough to understand that gifts don’t make all things better. I would be equally remiss not to mention those minimally involved parents who find a way to disappear during the holidays to avoid any further financial obligations that comes with the season.

Not all co-parenting arrangements fall under the above scenarios; there are as many individuals have found ways to peacefully co-parent but even in this some find it hard to let their children go during the holidays as they miss those magical memories that bring a certain joy to parenthood.

Whatever situation you may fall under as a parent, here are 7 tips to help bring holiday co-parenting peace.

1. Communicate and Plan Ahead: If you are the custodial parent reluctantly handing off your child but still wants to be somewhat involved, talk over scenarios with the other parent. Share your holiday plans with the other parent far in advance to plan out a course of action that will be beneficial to both parents.  Also discuss what you want the holidays to represent for your child. If one parent believes in Santa and the other doesn’t, try to come to an agreement on what you will collectively represent to your child regarding the holiday season.

2. Utilize Technology: While you may not be able to be there in person, technologies such as Skype and Facetime will allow you to see your child open their gifts on Christmas day. This would be a great option for the child as well. Just as you are missing them, they will be missing you and seeing your face would really make their day even more special

3. Create your own tradition: While we know Thanksgiving is the last Thursday in November and December 25th is the day we recognize Christmas, you are free to create your own traditions. Recreate the special day at your home at an earlier or later date. Work with the other parent to maintain this tradition even when the child isn’t in their home at those times. Just a little something unique to give your child about the co-parenting experience.

4. Collectively Participate in Seasonal Activities: I know, this can be a farfetched idea but there are families that have blended well and are able to come together peacefully for the sake of the child(ren). Not there yet? Try talking through this with the other parent. Maybe start small with just a dinner together or a holiday outing to the skating rink or on a field trip. Collaborating on small outings throughout the year may open the door for certain holiday traditions to be shared together.

5. Be Social: If you are not in the position to be with your child during the holidays due to distance or a strained relationship, get out and be social. Children take up the majority of our time and when they are not with us it is easy to sit around and twiddle our thumbs. Take this time to reconnect with friends and family. Do some of the things you are not able to easily do parenting a child solo. While it may be hard to be without your child take the time to focus on you and refresh.

6. Create a No Compete Zone: Of course the way to a child’s heart is through lots of toys. That was sarcasm. While your finances may not allow for the purchase of the season’s hottest must have toys, but the other parent is able to do those things don’t put yourself in a financial bind. As a custodial parent you take on a far greater burden, and are there daily. Those moments are the ones that count, not the number of gifts you present during Christmas

7. Seek Legal Help: While some co-parenting relationships are productive there are others that are strained or have come to an impasse on how to proceed. If you are refusing to let your child spend time with the other parent for any reason and that parent is arguing their right, seek legal help via the court or mediation. Sometimes it is hard to put personal differences to the side for the well being of the child. While having someone order you to let your child spend time with the other parent can be just as stressful, at the very least the mandate is court appointed and must be upheld taking the stress from having to deal with the other parent year after year regarding visitation and custody.

What Happens When Millennials On Social Media Start To Divorce?

November 16th, 2015 - By Chad Milner
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Shutterstock

I’m on the cusp or turning 30, and over the course of the last five years, slowly but surely my friends, colleagues, co-workers, former classmates, exes, extended family, and almost everyone else are getting married. That sounds about right. The current average age for people in the U.S. to wed is 27 for women and 29 years of age for men.

If the above is true, we millennials–a group I reluctantly say that I am a part of–are bucking at the status quo and doing things our own way. Back in 1990 the average age to marry was around 24, and depending on the decade you parents tied the knot, the couples averaged around the age 22. There have been countless articles, posts, and think pieces dedicated to how and why millennials are (or aren’t) marrying sooner than our parents and older siblings. But that’s not what this is about.

The reason that I know almost everyone is getting married is because of social media. Gone are the days in which we find out about nuptials either via physical attendance, hearsay, or reunions; we are the first generation of publicly sharing our lives with the world. Weddings are supposed to be one of the most important and special days of our lives. Two become one as they pledge their love and allegiance to each other for life. It’s a beautiful thing and the pictures look amazing (is it just me or was Labor Day Weekend the official weekend to get married this year?).

Weddings are wonderful, but marriage is beyond difficult. It’s no secret that millennials, for the most part, pride themselves on being individuals and that is the antithesis of what you slipped rings and exchanged vows for. People start families, two becomes one and then becomes three and four when we procreate, and then real life happens. Statistics suggest that around 50 percent of marriages fail, so the law of averages connote that half of these beautiful weddings and #relationshipgoals that I see on all of my timelines are going to end. I can’t even say that I am being cynical, but numbers say this is realistic and inevitable.

So what happens when the ending of these unions start to take up a considerable space on my timeline?

I joke with my friends about not dating single mothers until my mid-thirties when the first wave of divorces happens. The average age of divorce is around 31, so this anticipated phenomenon of drama/comedy should be hitting Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter any day now. Actually, my friends are already getting divorced. I can think of a handful of my closest friends who are legally separated, in the process of, or have marriages in dissolution. I guess technically I am one of those people, too because of the passing of my partner.

If people are posting inspirational quotes from relationship gurus and posts loaded with subliminal shots over people breaking up with boyfriends and girlfriend, the level of petty that’s about to happen will be epic.

What will happen next? Because we posted our weddings, honeymoons, and aggrandized our lives as happy as if no one ever has a bad day, we will know who those Rob Hill Sr. quotes are about.

There is nothing wrong with celebrating one’s big day. Social media, for better or worse, has linked us together with people and we can somewhat honestly answer that question—or at least see what they look like. Many owe their happy love lives to social media. And for those who have posted their nuptials may not know how they are going to handle that love being lost.

What we do know is that social media is the norm. So be careful because potential spouse no. 2 could see the ugly divorce, and that could scare them away from the two of you sharing your wedding day.

Have you seen millennials on social media going through divorce?

But You Don’t Know My Ex: 9 Ways To Co-Parent With A Difficult Person

November 10th, 2015 - By MommyNoire Editor
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We sat down with Deesha Phillywaw, co-author of “Co-parenting 101: Helping Kids Thrive in Two Households After Divorce.” We must admit, at first we were cynical. She actually gets along with her ex. We’re not talking, small-talk and exchange Father’s and Mother’s Day cards.  It’s more like, let’s blend this family on vacations, at birthday parties and in business. We pictured past episodes of “The Brady Bunch.” We wanted to know how to deal with someone who’s difficult.

But Deesha quickly made us believers through her website, Co-parenting 101. Because the couple have a cooperative partnership, they sought information from those  struggling to co-parent with someone who is uncooperative.  Deesha also gained insights based on personal experiences with her new husband’s ex. Most of the Google searches leading to her site are queries from women dating co-parenting men, “co-parenting with a narcissist” or “my ex refuses to co-parent.”

The one query she’ll never forget was: “How do I get my boyfriend’s kids to hate their mother and love me?” She wishes she could have warned that dad. Instead, she’s warning women about not falling into the tit-for-tat trap. Here’s her advice to women who say, “… but you don’t know my ex.”

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Control Yourself

Keep in mind that you can only control yourself, your household, and your responses. Sometimes, a co-parent can act in ways that are so unfair and infuriating, and we just want them to stop. But as my grandmother used to say, “You can’t make grown folk do anything they don’t want to do.” If you appeal to your co-parent’s sense of fairness and what’s in your child’s best interest, and yet they remain uncooperative, you can pursue legal actions when it’s warranted and feasible, and you can become resolute to keeping your focus and actions on your child’s best interest.

cellphone

Don’t Respond Immediately

You don’t have to swing at everything your ex pitches. And when a swing is warranted, it doesn’t have to be immediate. Sleep on it, and count to ten. Before you hit “send” on that email or text, run your response by a trusted friend. Make sure it’s your best friend who is a calming influence, not the one ready to take off her earrings and ride for you.  And check yourself: is your response designed to address a matter that’s important to your child? Or is it just tit-for-tat defensive?

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Shutterstock

Don’t Respond to Everything

One co-parenting dad I know was getting so many angry emails from his ex, that he made a policy of only responding to her on Fridays, and even then, he only responded to things that had to do with their children—action items. He responded to the request to pick the child up from soccer practice; he ignored the one calling him a deadbeat dad and throwing jabs at his girlfriend.

A co-parenting mom I know changed her email address, and let her sister take over her old account to monitor the emails from her child’s father.  It was a lot of criticism, but if there was ever anything the mom actually needed to respond to, her sister would let her know.  She spared herself all the nastiness, but in order to do so, she had to let go of the need to defend herself to her ex.

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Choose What To Give Up

Don’t give up on doing what’s best for your child, but do give up on “winning” or punishing your ex or making him “do right” or get along. When co-parents lock in to do battle, no one wins, and children always lose. Be the bigger co-parent, and choose your battles wisely. The family court system isn’t perfect, but it’s better for your child and for your peace of mind for you to, for example, pursue child support through the system rather than going back and forth with your ex whenever there’s an expense.

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Hang up the Phone

Get off the phone. Texts, emails, and if need be, certified mail are conducive to more level-headed, non-reactionary responses. Plus, they create documentation that can help with scheduling parenting time, and in the event that you do end up in family court.

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Shutterstock

Take a Business Like/Just the Facts Approach

Like the dad who stuck to soccer practice and ignored his ex’s personal attacks, try to stick to just those matters that have to do with your child’s needs and well-being.  Even if the other parent doesn’t respond respectfully or immediately, explaining that “It’s important that you adhere to the parenting time schedule because our child needs the stability and consistency” is more appropriate than, “I can’t believe you didn’t show up and let him down again. You’re a deadbeat!”

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Affirm Your Child’s Feelings Without Demonizing Your Ex

Veteran co-parents tell us that it’s a long, hard road, but eventually kids come to see negligent or irresponsible or uncooperative parents for who they are, without any editorializing from the stable parent.  Being the responsible, sacrificial, bigger co-parent can be exhausting and feel like a thankless job, but in the end, your kids are worth it.  Kids identify with both parents, so they feel conflicted and bad about themselves if parents speak ill of each other.  It can be really tough for the co-parent who is doing all of the heavy-lifting of parenting to accept that their child can seemingly be happy with–or even prefer–the parent who does less and who is less responsible. But as one fifth-grader told her mother, “I know Daddy is a jerk, but I don’t want anyone else to call him that.”

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Vent Away

Vent away…just not to or around your child. If you’re minding your manners in email, around your kids, and at pick-up and drop-off times, you need an outlet for your frustrations and anger. Remember, feelings are always okay, but actions may or may not be okay.  Express yourself to a trusted friend, counselor, or support group–people who will help you honor the commitment you’ve made to your child to support her relationship with the other parent by being civil.

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Toast to the Future

It’s never too late to turn over a new leaf as a co-parent, to commit or re-commit to a peaceful approach that minimizes your child’s exposure to adult drama. Cheers to a drama-free future!