All Articles Tagged "abstinence"

Birds, Bees & Kids: Don’t Force Them to Abstain

January 25th, 2016 - By MommyNoire Editor
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When I was growing up, my mom always talked to me about sex. She was never one of those “babies are delivered to your doorstep in a diaper by storks flying from the sky” type of parents. Mommy Dearest always gave it to me straight. Of course, there were certain details she kept me in the dark about because no barely-off-the-bottle baby should be learning about 69, G-spots and grown folk’s foreplay jargon. But when it came down to the actual act and people’s desire to have it, my mom was always open.

She would say, “One day, you’re going to want to have sex. And although it’s a part of nature, I would prefer you wait until you’re an adult. But since I know that’s not how life works, I want you to come talk to me whenever you feel like you’re ready.” So while many of my childhood friends began to throw away their v-cards at tender ages of 12, 13, 14 and 15-years-old, I did end up waiting until I really felt ready. (By that time, I just-so-happened to be an adult.) And I know now that my decision to abstain was largely due to all the early lessons I had learned from my mother.

As a parent, one of the worse things you could ever do is push your child to stay away from sex by simply telling them “no.” Because whether you like it or not, you’re baby boy or girl is going to do what he or she wants to do. Simply put: You cannot control your children! I’ve witnessed first-hand how stern environments, where austere parents try to dictate what their offspring can or cannot do without explaining why they cannot do it, does to children. In most cases, it makes kids rebel. Those things that super-strict parents try to “protect” their seeds from become the very things that their kids get so twisted up in that they become completely entangled in a dangerous web of destruction.

I can’t tell you how many kids I grew up with whose overbearing parents—or out-of-the-loop moms and dads—pushed them right into promiscuity and/or teen pregnancy. Not to say that these effects can’t take hold of a young person whose parents have educated them about sex and are involved in their sex lives, but telling your child not to have sex (or ignoring the topic altogether) is the wrong approach. It’s almost impossible to be around your kids 24/7, so the best thing to do is to instill valuable gems within your son or daughter so that you know they will make good decisions when you’re not around.

Create a comfortable, warm environment for your child to feel at ease opening up and talking to you about sex. I know it may be uncomfortable for some parents, but it’s 2015! And with all the lewd, lascivious, and sexually-charged garbage that the internet and social media have made accessible to our youth, it’s time to throw that 1950’s mentality out the window. Instead of shunning their questions or hammering them about their desires, explain to your young ones the consequences that come with sex—both physical and emotional. And while this doesn’t guarantee that they will wait, it will help them make smarter decisions pertaining to their sex life.

Like my mom, be the type of parent that asks them to come to you when they feel ready so that you guide them to the right forms of protection and contraception; and so you can give them the run-down on STDs, the emotional responsibility that comes with sex, and how hard it is to raise a baby when you’re practically one yourself. (Maybe even meet the person that they plan to lose their virginity to.)

Remember parents: Your children are their own beings and like all humans, they will make mistakes. But don’t let your lack of communication or a dictating attitude play a part in why they indulge in an irresponsible, premature, or unhealthy sex life.

How do you talk about sex with your kids?

The Wait Is Over: Meagan Good & DeVon Franklin’s Book On Abstinence Coming In February

December 28th, 2015 - By Victoria Uwumarogie
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A photo posted by DeVon Franklin (@devonfranklin) on

We told you last year that Meagan Good and her husband, DeVon Franklin, were working on a book based on the practices that worked for them while they were dating. Specifically, the choice to refrain from having sex until they said “I do.” It was something both parties say helped them find true love and improve their lives. As Good told Jimmy Kimmel last year, “I had been in a couple of relationships and I was like, ‘You know, this isn’t really working for me.’ I wanted to do something different, and spiritually, it’s what I believe I always should’ve done. So I was like, you know, let’s try it this way. It was very different, and it’s been amazing.”

The pair have been happily married since 2012. With all the attention their relationship has garnered, and their hope to share the impact God has had on their lives with others, they’re looking to share tips on relying on faith to find the one in their new book, The Wait. It is finally being released on February 2.

I’m sure you’re wondering what else the book has to offer aside from his-and-hers tips on how to abstain from sex and having the patience to obtain the happy ending you’re seeking. Well, according to the synopsis, the book also asks you these questions to help you practice healthier dating habits:

  • Why haven’t I found true love yet?
  • What have I been compromising in order to find love?
  • How are some of my bad dating habits working against the life I really want?
  • What part did I play in the failure of my last relationship?
  • What negative patterns do I see myself repeating over and over?
  • Am I attracted to people who aren’t right for me?
  • What am I ready to sacrifice to become my best self?
  • What kind of person do I want in my life?
  • What do I deserve?

And the book will allegedly help you “experience firsthand the power of what happens when you put sex on the shelf, work on becoming the best version of yourself, and allow God to bring his vision for your life to fruition.”


Of course, we can’t say if this book will provide you with the answers and relationship you’re looking for. Either way, it should be a good read for the new year. Plus, who doesn’t love this pair?

The Wait is available for pre-order today and comes with exclusive photos from their wedding day. Again, the book is available on shelves February 2.

After A Rocky Year, We Need To Close The Sexual Divide Between Women

December 8th, 2015 - By Deja Jones
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Two months ago, Amber Rose launched her much anticipated, and all-inclusive Slut Walk in Los Angeles. The purpose of this walk was to recognize the shaming, oppression, assault and violence that has disproportionately impacted marginalized groups, including women of color, transgender people, and sex workers. Rose’s walk was about more than just addressing feminist issues. She also wanted to show that when you label people, you take away their humanity. Rose wanted to promote the idea that women own the rights to their bodies and should have the freedom to do with them what they want. Thousands of women and men gathered, some topless, some clothed, some in lingerie, carrying signs with empowering messages to those who have been shamed by society. But Rose’s Slut Walk missed the mark with a few of the conservatives.

Some felt that Rose could have conveyed her message in a more productive way rather than hosting a walk full of topless people. Facebook user Gabby Mooney stated:

“This ‪#‎amberroseslutwalk‬ is a shame. Instead of it being about defending rape victims … it’s turned into these crazies wanting to b topless. So what they are saying is that we should all walk around naked and that’ll prevent rape? I’m sorry … but I’m confused. Maybe we should teach boys to RESPECT women, instead of women degrading themselves? That’s an idea.”

In an article published by the Washington Post, Rose was accused of contributing to a patriarchal and capitalistic society by taking an issue and profiting off of it. Sexual purists believed that Rose’s message was causing more harm than good and promoting that it’s okay for women to objectify themselves sexually in a youth culture. From this Slut Walk stemmed an entire feminist branding, a book and a GoFundMe campaign for Rose, which caused some to look at her with a sharp side-eye, questioning her motives.

A week later, the Internet was buzzing after the story of Brelyn Bowman found its way to blog sites, news feeds and Twitter timelines. On her wedding day, the 22-year-old bride presented her father with a certificate proving that she abided by her vow of sexual purity until marriage. Just as Amber Rose’s Slut Walk had, this act sparked an online debate on whether this was appropriate or inappropriate. In an interview with The Independent, her father also made note that all three of his daughters signed contracts promising to remain pure until their wedding night. This sparked criticism from sex-positive feminists who believed it to be problematic that a man should be in charge of deciding what a woman should be doing with her body. Some found the act both creepy and disgusting while many others were very supportive of Bowman’s decision. It raised the eyebrows of critics and garnered a theater of applause from like-minded individuals.

And then there was Ayesha Curry’s tweet about her style preferences: “I like to keep the good stuff covered up for the one who matters.” Curry was both praised for her decision to cover up, and blasted for what some perceived to be the shaming of women who choose not to. The whole conversation then catapulted into an opportunity to call women out of their name for their choices, with both men AND women taking turns hurling insults.

Thinking back to these types of occurrences from this year alone, Slut Walks to purity certificates, modesty conversations and more, I’m reminded that there is a serious sexual divide between women. It hinders some from feeling comfortable enough to embrace their sexuality while praising those who decide to tuck it away. The full spectrum of celebrating womanhood is being okay with being whoever the hell you want to be. Should you choose to abstain, should you elect to cover up, good for you! And it shouldn’t trigger a backlash of criticism for personal choices. Should you choose to indulge, should you elect to flaunt what you’ve got, you shouldn’t have to answer to anyone or be subjected to slurs.

Far too often, we find ourselves fighting to choose a side, which in turn, forces us to be a part of bashing others. Regardless of preferences in sexual habits, style and more, I find that that as women we are often our own worst enemy. We judge each other the most and harshest when it comes to sexuality, we further reinforce societal standards placed up against us as if we can’t disagree on lifestyle choices and still coexist. I care not when it comes to whose #Team you see yourself on, but can’t we just be proud of what side we choose while still being understanding of the sides we’re not on?

Ciara Breaks Silence On Decision To Abstain: “It’s Until The Deal Is Sealed”

July 22nd, 2015 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Richard Sherman @RSherman25 Selfie Booth. #HappySunday

A photo posted by Ciara (@ciara) on

Weeks after Russell Wilson revealed to an audience at San Diego’s The Rock Church that he and new girlfriend, Ciara, have taken sex off of the table in their relationship, the “I Bet” singer is speaking out. According to Cici, they are planning to go all the way with their decision by abstaining until marriage.

“It’s until the deal is sealed. Absolutely!” she told Access Hollywood.

Ciara adds that their decision to withhold sex is difficult, but they’ve managed to keep each other strong.

“I think both of us look at each other, and we’re like – whew! But we take it one day at a time and keep it going with each other, and I’m really enjoying every day that we’re sharing.”

The single mom went on to say that she was okay with Russell sharing their decision publicly.

“It was an organic thing for him and I think he was just being honest about where we are,” Ciara said.

Good for them! We’re wishing these two the best.

Follow Jazmine on Twitter @JazmineDenise


Views From Generation Y: Why I Commend Russell Wilson For Speaking Out About Practicing Abstinence

July 9th, 2015 - By Ashley Monaé
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In the world we live in today, we watch and laugh at Mimi and Nikko’s shower rod sex tape, listen to Ray J’s “I Hit It First,” and turn up to club bangers that acknowledge knocking a woman’s anatomy out like “fight night.” So when I heard the negative reactions to Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson sharing that he and girlfriend Ciara are abstaining from sex, I was shocked. When did abstinence become so taboo?

The tweets and click bait headlines flooded my Twitter timeline at a moment’s notice before I could even watch the video in its entirety on Sunday afternoon. Demeaning comments sprinkled in with a few words of encouragement and admiration for his statements gave me a foul feeling in the pit of my stomach. Isn’t practicing abstinence a good thing? I finally watched the nearly hour-long Q&A with Pastor Miles McPherson. As I listened intently, I asked myself, “How could people act so harsh towards a young, devout Christian man standing in his truth?” I was utterly perplexed. My own generation’s reactions covered a spectrum of commentary ranging from ignorant to enlightened, but mostly mockery, which revealed their apparent lack of self-awareness.

While many criticized Wilson for his comments, I commend him for putting his relationship with God first. In case you missed it, here’s what he shared with Pastor McPherson:


“I met this girl named Ciara who was the most beautiful woman in the world, the most kind person, the most engaging person, everything that I could ever want. She was on tour and I was looking at her in the mirror, and she was sitting there. And God spoke to me and said ‘I need you to lead her.’ And I was like, ‘Really? Right now?’ And he goes, ‘No, I want you and need you to lead her.’ And I asked her, ‘What would you do if we took all that extra stuff off the table? And just did it Jesus’ way?’”


His honesty and fearlessness to divulge his love for Ciara through his outspoken love for Christ was touching:


“For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me. We’re not going to be perfect, by any means. But he’s anointed both of us and he’s calling for us to do something special.”


Honestly, if the tables were turned in this situation and this was a 26-year-old woman saying that she was practicing abstinence, I believe people’s reactions would have been different. Once again, clashing gender roles of what make a male masculine and what makes a woman feminine (and ladylike) come into play. Truthfully, there aren’t many guys who would have had the guts to admit that they are abstaining from sex in fear of being judged. And I’m sure there are guys saying that Wilson is soft because he isn’t trying to sleep with one of the hottest chicks in the game right now. But clearly, Wilson is confident within himself, God and Ciara to have even shared such information, knowing the scrutiny he may face afterward.

I can’t remember the last time myself or any of my friends were involved with or dating a guy who was genuinely in touch with his spirit so much that he didn’t think with his male member. Come on ladies, we’ve all been there when it’s only the second or third date and a guy thinks he’s getting some. Like always, the look on our faces reads pure disgust. But when a man who is mature enough to respect a woman does so and wishes to share his choices with others, he’s shamed. For some, abstinence isn’t a part of their vocabulary while others abide by it, and as with all things, everyone has the right to express themselves. But why are we bashing a man for admitting that he isn’t interested in his girlfriend just for the sex? Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?


Ciara And Russell Wilson, How About A Little Discretion?

July 8th, 2015 - By Desiree Bowie
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 Credit: FayesVision/

Credit: FayesVision/

We are bombarded with pop-culture gossip 24/7.  From Tyga allegedly getting caught red-handed sending out nude pics and being accused of cheating on his under-aged girlfriend, to the ubiquitous Draya Michele and Orlando Scandrick drama, so little is left to the imagination. But somehow, for me, out of all the stories, the Ciara and Russell Wilson celibacy headlines felt like an embarrassing intrusion.

The public can be hard on Ciara and I never really understood why. She is undeniably an amazing dancer, she’s beautiful, and she seems genuinely sweet, if not a tad bit shy as far as pop stars go. She dated Bow Wow and 50 Cent and went through a very rocky relationship with Future, which left many calling her a big dummy for choosing him. Echoes of her intimate missteps can be heard from many gossip blogs and Twitter timelines: “He got 5 baby mamas. Why would she think she was gon’ change him?” “Why did she name her child after him?” “Bow Wow, for real? lol”

What did Ciara ever do to deserve such vitriol from the public?

She fell in love. Few among us can say that we haven’t fallen for a person who was 100% unequivocally the worst for us at a given time. Chances are you may have even fallen in love with a couple of bad seeds. So why is Ciara always being dragged within an inch of her life for it? Sure, she should’ve known better given the track records of her exes, but “should’ve known betters” usually occur with the gift of hindsight. We can’t choose who we love or don’t love.

But we can choose what information we share with the public. Would people be nicer to Ciara if she had tried to keep her relationship with Future on the low? Does an attempt at privacy garner our respect nowadays? For me it does. That is why I felt some type of way when I came across the headline, “Ciara and Russell Wilson Aren’t Having Sex.”

The story contained a viral clip of Wilson talking with Pastor Miles McPherson about his faith and his lady.

“I met this girl named Ciara, who is the most beautiful woman in the world…She’s the most kind person, the most engaging person…I knew that God brought me into her life to bless her.”

He seems to adore her, but it is strangely arrogant to me that Wilson believes he’s a gift from God sent to save Ciara. This entire situation reads like the makings of a terrible sketch on Saturday Night Live. After checking out the clip, I was overcome with gloom. As he continued to talk, I wondered to myself:

Did she know he was going to put their private sexual decision on blast? Did she feel pressured into this? What happens if this doesn’t work out? I think I’d feel differently if she were next to him and they divulged this information together…

Seriously though, why did this information need to be shared? It was none of our business until they made it our business.

Being celibate in this day and age is deemed equal parts noble and naïve. I’ve always felt that it is supposed to be an intimate commitment between two people who made such a vow together. But over the years, it’s been used as a means to get attention. I thought it was an unbecoming publicity stunt when the Jonas Brothers showed off their promise rings years ago, but that was only the tip of the exploitation-for-public-image iceberg. Publicity-wise, abstinence and celibacy are having a terrible month. Bristol Palin, the literal poster child for abstinence a few years ago, and a woman who said she was going to be celibate after having her son, has done her damnedest to make a joke of the entire thing. She’s not the first, nor the last to do so.

Look, I can understand why two Christian adults with a few troubled relationships in their rear views might try to be celibate, but the public proclamation before the relationship has really collected steam just doesn’t sit right with me.

We live in a transparent time. The Internet allows us to peer in and out of situations that we wouldn’t be privy to a decade ago. We want to know now, and we want to know everything. Some people have dodged many public bullets. With the exception of hackers making celeb nudes public and the occasional video vixen tell-all book, some celebs are able to keep their bedroom secrets to themselves.

There is beauty in a celebrity’s ability to control their public narrative. I love that we only knew what Beyoncé’s wedding dress looked like when she and Jay wanted us to know. I love when celebrities can get married or have a baby without a headline popping up about it until much later. Heck, Janet Jackson is easily one of the biggest stars in the world, and she had an almost decade-long marriage and we didn’t know much about it until it was over. I love Rihanna. As outgoing and active on social media as she is, I don’t know what’s happening in her bedroom. There’s wild speculation, of course, but she isn’t saying a damn thing about any of her purported conquests. She seems as open and carefree as possible in her unique positions (it’s definitely a part of her narrative), but she does manage to keep some things to herself. I applaud that. These people prove that discretion is possible.

I do not think that because of their fame, we the people deserve complete and total access. But when they make the access possible, it gives us the validation to pass harsh judgment loudly with little moral consequence.

While discretion may breed speculation, exposing everything about yourself offers the public an invitation. For some, this may be a good thing as many deem any publicity to be good publicity, but for others it damages your public perception. I root for Ciara. I want her to be happy and if being celibate with Russell Wilson is it, then good for her. I genuinely wish her well. But in the meantime, I will continue to yearn for the time when stars were a little more cautious about what they shared with the world.


“It Makes For Awkward Conversation”: What It’s Like To Be A 30-Year-Old Virgin

April 14th, 2015 - By Cynthia L. Dorsey
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Getty Images

Getty Images

You can run, but you can’t hide. There seems to be no escape from it. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s sex!

Sex! Sex! Sex! It’s everywhere you turn, on billboards, in movies, in music (and in music videos); and if I see another viral YouTube video of animals humping I’m going to scream! We are truly living in an oversexed and over-twerked society.

But there are a few of us still meandering around the universe who remain untouched and free from penetration. To put it plain and simple, we are the virgins of the world (cue dramatic sound effect, “bum bum buuuuuum!”). According to the Center For Disease Control’s Health Statistics Report, four percent of the population here in the United States are, in fact, virgins. Since Millennials (men and women born between 1980-2000) are now the largest generation in the United States, and those born at the beginning of this generation are in their early to mid-thirties, it is safe to say that of that four percent, quite a few of those virgins are in their thirties.

The Dirty Thirty. It’s an age where your concept of what being old is has changed because you are now at the age you once thought was on the precipice of old. You are finally making strides in your career while your student loan payments are devouring your income. You are getting a grasp on your life goals and have set a plan in motion to achieve them. The idea of becoming a responsible adult begins to set in, and the pressure of settling down becomes a reality. With all of the adulthood responsibilities your thirties bring, a few women have added “maintaining abstinence” to their list.

Erica, 34, and Jasmine, 32, are both virgins. Erica and Jasmine have obtained graduate level degrees and have successfully advanced in their careers. I must admit I have known these women for quite some time and didn’t even realize that they’ve never had sex. This confidentiality is mainly because many virgins don’t discuss their virginity with people. Erica says, “The only discomfort I have is sharing the information sometimes. In the past, people got weird when I told them I was a virgin, so I stopped sharing. Interestingly, people like to tell me their sexual history, which I’m okay with, but at times; they talk, I listen.”

Jasmine feels the same way. As she puts it, “I’ve been in situations where I’ll be talking with a group of friends and the conversation turns to sex and people share their experiences. I don’t have any so I’ll be quiet. If it’s at a party or something, I may excuse myself.”

Both women made their decision to remain virgins early in life and want to have something to give to their future husband after saying “I do.” Erica says that she made this decision after watching the way sex affected the lives of those around her when she was young:

“I originally decided that I wanted to wait until I was married when I was in high school. I saw too many people making risky, and life-altering decisions based on sex, not realizing the full consequences of their actions until it was too late. I felt like I had a better chance of having a future if I waited. So I made a private commitment to God that I would wait. No one made me do it. Nothing formal. Just a prayer.  I’ve decided to remain a virgin because now I know that the person that I share myself with is going to be someone that will be a part of my life forever. With such a strong connection as that, I want that person to remain in my life and be welcomed in it. I want that person to be my husband.”

Jasmine’s decision originated from what she learned growing up in the church:

“I was raised in the church and was taught that sexual intercourse was reserved for marriage. Over time, I took more ownership of it. I didn’t just stay a virgin because I was told to, but I stayed because I wanted to reserve myself for my husband. I thought This guy is going to be the love of my life, of course, I’d want him to have what no one else has had. It became a personal choice for me.”

Shakia, 27, is the founder of the Bare.Bold&Beautiful Movement and author of an upcoming book that focuses on her decision to be a virgin, as well as the journey of nine other women who have made a similar decision.

“I decided to write my book on my abstinence experience when people were continually shocked that I was a virgin. People’s first response after being informed that I’m a virgin is usually, ‘No you’re not,’ justifying their claim by pointing out the way I dress or my outgoing attitude. Then there are people who are confused and ask, ‘But why? You’re pretty’ as if every virgin is a virgin because no one desires them. I began to realize that my look and attitude did not fit the idea of a virgin that many had. So, I decided to share my journey and give a new face, dress and attitude to the virgin. As readers are invited on my journey of abstinence they will realize that I have had plenty of guys who were willing to introduce me to the pleasures of sex and that I have even had to suppress my own urges when my body’s desires were not aligned with my decision. I want to make it clear that there are women and men who are adult virgins not because we are not desired by the opposite sex, but for reasons that all drive the choice that we have made.”

But despite all the shock, confusion, and the lack of support for this major decision at times, many virgins can find and thrive in relationships with people who applaud and respect their choice. Jasmine, who is currently in a serious relationship, is lucky enough to have that in her life.

“I am currently in a relationship. He, like most guys I’ve talked to in the past, was a bit shocked, but he thinks it is a very good decision. He said right after I told him, ‘You are the smartest woman I know.’ With him, I don’t feel any pressure. He’s also marriage minded. We’ve talked about having sex, and he is fine with waiting until the wedding night. He actually keeps me on track.”

I, too, am like these women. I have decided to maintain my virginity until I get married. And though sharing this gift with my future husband is ideal, my decision to wait has more to do with the gift I have chosen to give myself. We all have been given one life to live and the personal choices we make shape the very essence of our lives. We virgins of the world, the four percent, are taking ownership of our bodies, our options and standing by what makes us happy (and our values) in a world where sex is everywhere and in everything.

Breaking The Code: Abstinence And A$$ Eating

February 20th, 2015 - By Brande Victorian
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Normally these two things wouldn’t go together but when you’re breaking the code you gotta get down to the nitty gritty. Check out what MadameNoire’s editors and the fellas of Guy Code had to say about the rules of dating while abstinent versus the rules of sliding up in the booty with your sexual partner. Watch and weigh in.

5 Things We Need To Stop Telling Girls About Sex

November 7th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Stop Telling Girls About Sex

Source: Shutterstock

Mothers and big sisters are usually the first ones to tell their daughters about sex, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. As sensitive a subject as sex is, loved ones should definitely be the first ones to tell adolescents about it. However, our own biases and lack of knowledge can also taint impressionable youths’ vision of sexuality and reproductive health. So in the interest of not leading young girls astray, here are a few things we must stop telling them about sex.

1. Good girls don’t have sex!

Abstinence is great and we all wish that our girls practiced it, but in reality that’s just not the case.  So why turn a blind eye to the situation? It only adds to the problem.  We need to equip our girls with the truth so they can not only protect themselves but embrace and own their sexuality.

When we categorize sex as something that only bad girls do, we subconsciously send the message that “good” girls should not enjoy sex. The challenge this creates is that as our “good” girls grow up and become women who get married, and still are harboring the “good girls don’t” stigma. As a result, they are less likely to experience sexual pleasure with their partner; which can ultimately contribute to significant problems in their relationship. In addition, many girls who grow up with this belief may suffer from sexual dysfunction which may have been prevented if they grew up with a healthy view of sexuality.

2. Douching helps keep the vagina clean and healthy.

For years women have been told to douche in order to feel fresher, cleanse their vagina and keep it smelling spring time fresh. This belief has been passed down throughout generations and still remains a common practice today. The only reason we are still caught up in the belief that douching is relevant is because the media and companies like Vagisil and Massengill have a product to market and sell. It is their job to make us to believe that the vagina is dirty and nasty and in order to feel good about yourself and your vagina you need to use these products that will help the vagina smell like flowers. Having some vaginal odor and discharge is natural. However, if you notice a very strong or foul odor and/or a funny color discharge, it may be a sign of infection.

In recent years, many studies have shown that douching can actually be very harmful to the internal environment of the vagina. Douching can actually have adverse effects on the vagina by washing away healthy bacteria and pushing harmful bacteria further up into the vaginal canal. This can create an imbalance in the internal environment and make it much easier to get an infection.

The vagina is actually designed to cleanse itself. Washing the vagina with warm water is enough to keep it clean. Using perfumed bath and body products only irritate the sensitive lining of the vagina as well as the inner and outer delicate folds of the vulva, the labia minora and labia majoria. Utilize caution when using a face towel or luffa on the vulva, especially as they dry, because they can carry bacteria that may be harmful to the vulva as well. If you must use a soap, then stick to using a non-scented, alcohol-free soap only on the outside of the vulva area.

3. It’s not okay to call your vagina a vagina.

Vajayjay, twat, slit, p*ssy, beaver, kitty, punany, coota mama, coochie, black box, deep hole, down there, titties, watermelon, twins, boobs, and jugs are just a few of the slang names that we use when referring to our body parts. When you stop to think about it, many of these names are not cute at all! They are down right negative and derogatory. They send the wrong message about the female body. Not only that, some of these words are very uncomfortable to hear. When we teach our girls to use cutesy names instead of using the correct terminology for body parts and functions, it takes away the value. When we devalue something, we do not respect it and take care of it. This lack of respect or value of their body places girls at risk for sexually transmitted infections, HIV and pregnancy because they don’t value their body enough to protect it.

Using slang terms also limits girls’ ability to have an educated and informed conversation with their physician. Many physicians are not culturally competent. They do not understand the vernacular and slang terms that are sometimes used when referring to body parts and functions. This lack of understanding can lead to not receiving necessary treatment or appropriate quality of care. The bottom line is that if the physician cannot understand you, then how can s/he help you.

4. Don’t touch your body.

It’s important that we teach our girls that it’s OK to touch their bodies — after all they’re theirs. They must learn the body parts and functions, they must learn how to properly take care of their body, and they must learn what’s natural and healthy for their body. Teaching our girls not to touch their body only sends the message that their body parts and functions are something that is unnatural and nasty. It perpetuates stigma and helps create shame and guilt regarding the body. This negative view will ultimately contribute to unhealthy ideals about sexuality.

In order to fully discover, explore, and embrace their sexuality, girls must become intimately acquainted with their body. It’s essential to having power over of their sexuality and that begins by being comfortable enough to explore their body. Additionally it helps lay the foundation for learning to understand, respect and communicate sexual attitudes, beliefs, needs, wants and concerns, not only to their physicians but their future partners.

Lastly, by teaching girls to love and honor their bodies, it helps reduce body image issues and self-esteem challenges. Girls and women who love, respect and value their body are less likely to put themselves at risk.

5. Nothing 

In a day in age where sex sells everything from diapers to dog food and the media bombards us with oversexualized images of scantily clad women, we can’t afford to remain silent about sex. The danger of not talking to girls about their sexuality is that it doesn’t prepare them for becoming young women. Many adult women have shared horror stories about beginning their menstrual cycle and not having a clue about what was going on or how to take care of themselves. Imagine how terrifying that could be to a girl who has not been educated about her body.

Avoiding conversations about sex does not mean that girls aren’t going to do it. It only means that they are going to sneak and do it. We were created as sexual beings and we will be sexual beings until we die. Sex is a natural part of life. It’s who we are! It encompasses every dimension of our lives. The urge and desire to have sex does not go away. Not properly educating our girls with the knowledge, skills and tools is only creating a recipe for disaster. Ultimately, they will learn the information from somewhere and in most cases what they are learning is not accurate.

When should you start talking to girls about sex….as soon as they start asking questions. Everything should be done in a developmentally appropriate way. Be open and honest. Allow them to ask questions. If you don’t have the answers, find them! Also, please talk to them about all aspects of sexuality, not just about the physical aspects of sex. It’s important to make sure girls understand the emotional, spiritual, social, legal and economic repercussions of having sex. And while education about sex is great, you also need to take it a step further and teach them the skills. It’s great to say “use a condom” but if you don’t teach them the proper steps to use the condom, where to get the condom and how to negotiate safer sex, then it’s useless.

To all the men out there, please also talk to your daughters! Have a no-holds-barred conversation with her from the male perspective on sex and sexuality. Educate them on the qualities and characteristics men look for in a woman he is serious about.  Take your daughters out on a date! Become the standard of what she should look forward to from a man by demonstrating how a man should respect and treat a woman. Your actions will make the difference in the type of relationships and behaviors she engages in. It just might save her life!

While I do understand that having conversations about sex can be very uncomfortable, they are critical. If you are uninformed or uncomfortable talking about sex, then seek out the assistance of someone who is professionally qualified to have the conversation.

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Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality.  She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, or

Meagan Good Talks Upcoming Book, ‘The Wait’ & How She Survived Dating Without Sex

June 11th, 2014 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Meagan Good


Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin have been quite vocal about their decision to postpone sexual activity until after they exchanged vows. Now, the couple is ready to share with the world exactly how they were able to stay committed to such a difficult vow through their upcoming book, “The Wait.”

“We’re writing a book called ‘The Wait,'” Meagan recently told Jimmy Kimmel. “It’s basically about, well, we waited to have sex before we got married.”

Of course, Jimmy was intrigued by the “Think Like A Man Too” actress’s discipline in that area and wanted to know more.

“I had been in a couple of relationships and I was like, ‘You know, this isn’t really working for me.’ I wanted to do something different and spiritually, it’s what I believe I always should’ve done. So I was like, you know, let’s try it this way. It was very different and it’s been amazing.”

In “The Wait,” Meagan says readers will learn about all of the techniques and tricks that she and DeVon used to keep from hopping in the sack before their wedding night.

“Obviously, we all know that it’s tough, but there were tricks that we learned that actually helped.”

Among the techniques they used was knowing when to say goodnight.

“One of the tricks was knowing when to part ways. You know, if you feel it’s getting too hot and heavy and you just have to go.”

She also shared a hilarious story from their wedding day where it seemed like the ceremony was being prolonged and of course, they were eager to finally consummate.

“We wanted the wedding to be right when the sun went down. It was supposed to go down at like six or seven o’clock that evening and it didn’t. The sun was off schedule, which was really stressing me out. So we waited like an hour and a half, which worked out fine because I had a bridesmaid who didn’t show up until 20 minutes before we walked down.”

To add to the humor of the night, Meagan says that their decision to practice abstinence was a major highlight for everyone at the ceremony.

“That was like the topic of all the speeches,” Meagan explained. “It went really, really left. Needless to say, that was the topic of everybody’s speech.”

Watch Meagan’s interview below.