All Articles Tagged "abstinence"
Normally these two things wouldn’t go together but when you’re breaking the code you gotta get down to the nitty gritty. Check out what MadameNoire’s editors and the fellas of Guy Code had to say about the rules of dating while abstinent versus the rules of sliding up in the booty with your sexual partner. Watch and weigh in.
Mothers and big sisters are usually the first ones to tell their daughters about sex, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. As sensitive a subject as sex is, loved ones should definitely be the first ones to tell adolescents about it. However, our own biases and lack of knowledge can also taint impressionable youths’ vision of sexuality and reproductive health. So in the interest of not leading young girls astray, here are a few things we must stop telling them about sex.
1. Good girls don’t have sex!
Abstinence is great and we all wish that our girls practiced it, but in reality that’s just not the case. So why turn a blind eye to the situation? It only adds to the problem. We need to equip our girls with the truth so they can not only protect themselves but embrace and own their sexuality.
When we categorize sex as something that only bad girls do, we subconsciously send the message that “good” girls should not enjoy sex. The challenge this creates is that as our “good” girls grow up and become women who get married, and still are harboring the “good girls don’t” stigma. As a result, they are less likely to experience sexual pleasure with their partner; which can ultimately contribute to significant problems in their relationship. In addition, many girls who grow up with this belief may suffer from sexual dysfunction which may have been prevented if they grew up with a healthy view of sexuality.
2. Douching helps keep the vagina clean and healthy.
For years women have been told to douche in order to feel fresher, cleanse their vagina and keep it smelling spring time fresh. This belief has been passed down throughout generations and still remains a common practice today. The only reason we are still caught up in the belief that douching is relevant is because the media and companies like Vagisil and Massengill have a product to market and sell. It is their job to make us to believe that the vagina is dirty and nasty and in order to feel good about yourself and your vagina you need to use these products that will help the vagina smell like flowers. Having some vaginal odor and discharge is natural. However, if you notice a very strong or foul odor and/or a funny color discharge, it may be a sign of infection.
In recent years, many studies have shown that douching can actually be very harmful to the internal environment of the vagina. Douching can actually have adverse effects on the vagina by washing away healthy bacteria and pushing harmful bacteria further up into the vaginal canal. This can create an imbalance in the internal environment and make it much easier to get an infection.
The vagina is actually designed to cleanse itself. Washing the vagina with warm water is enough to keep it clean. Using perfumed bath and body products only irritate the sensitive lining of the vagina as well as the inner and outer delicate folds of the vulva, the labia minora and labia majoria. Utilize caution when using a face towel or luffa on the vulva, especially as they dry, because they can carry bacteria that may be harmful to the vulva as well. If you must use a soap, then stick to using a non-scented, alcohol-free soap only on the outside of the vulva area.
3. It’s not okay to call your vagina a vagina.
Vajayjay, twat, slit, p*ssy, beaver, kitty, punany, coota mama, coochie, black box, deep hole, down there, titties, watermelon, twins, boobs, and jugs are just a few of the slang names that we use when referring to our body parts. When you stop to think about it, many of these names are not cute at all! They are down right negative and derogatory. They send the wrong message about the female body. Not only that, some of these words are very uncomfortable to hear. When we teach our girls to use cutesy names instead of using the correct terminology for body parts and functions, it takes away the value. When we devalue something, we do not respect it and take care of it. This lack of respect or value of their body places girls at risk for sexually transmitted infections, HIV and pregnancy because they don’t value their body enough to protect it.
Using slang terms also limits girls’ ability to have an educated and informed conversation with their physician. Many physicians are not culturally competent. They do not understand the vernacular and slang terms that are sometimes used when referring to body parts and functions. This lack of understanding can lead to not receiving necessary treatment or appropriate quality of care. The bottom line is that if the physician cannot understand you, then how can s/he help you.
4. Don’t touch your body.
It’s important that we teach our girls that it’s OK to touch their bodies — after all they’re theirs. They must learn the body parts and functions, they must learn how to properly take care of their body, and they must learn what’s natural and healthy for their body. Teaching our girls not to touch their body only sends the message that their body parts and functions are something that is unnatural and nasty. It perpetuates stigma and helps create shame and guilt regarding the body. This negative view will ultimately contribute to unhealthy ideals about sexuality.
In order to fully discover, explore, and embrace their sexuality, girls must become intimately acquainted with their body. It’s essential to having power over of their sexuality and that begins by being comfortable enough to explore their body. Additionally it helps lay the foundation for learning to understand, respect and communicate sexual attitudes, beliefs, needs, wants and concerns, not only to their physicians but their future partners.
Lastly, by teaching girls to love and honor their bodies, it helps reduce body image issues and self-esteem challenges. Girls and women who love, respect and value their body are less likely to put themselves at risk.
In a day in age where sex sells everything from diapers to dog food and the media bombards us with oversexualized images of scantily clad women, we can’t afford to remain silent about sex. The danger of not talking to girls about their sexuality is that it doesn’t prepare them for becoming young women. Many adult women have shared horror stories about beginning their menstrual cycle and not having a clue about what was going on or how to take care of themselves. Imagine how terrifying that could be to a girl who has not been educated about her body.
Avoiding conversations about sex does not mean that girls aren’t going to do it. It only means that they are going to sneak and do it. We were created as sexual beings and we will be sexual beings until we die. Sex is a natural part of life. It’s who we are! It encompasses every dimension of our lives. The urge and desire to have sex does not go away. Not properly educating our girls with the knowledge, skills and tools is only creating a recipe for disaster. Ultimately, they will learn the information from somewhere and in most cases what they are learning is not accurate.
When should you start talking to girls about sex….as soon as they start asking questions. Everything should be done in a developmentally appropriate way. Be open and honest. Allow them to ask questions. If you don’t have the answers, find them! Also, please talk to them about all aspects of sexuality, not just about the physical aspects of sex. It’s important to make sure girls understand the emotional, spiritual, social, legal and economic repercussions of having sex. And while education about sex is great, you also need to take it a step further and teach them the skills. It’s great to say “use a condom” but if you don’t teach them the proper steps to use the condom, where to get the condom and how to negotiate safer sex, then it’s useless.
To all the men out there, please also talk to your daughters! Have a no-holds-barred conversation with her from the male perspective on sex and sexuality. Educate them on the qualities and characteristics men look for in a woman he is serious about. Take your daughters out on a date! Become the standard of what she should look forward to from a man by demonstrating how a man should respect and treat a woman. Your actions will make the difference in the type of relationships and behaviors she engages in. It just might save her life!
While I do understand that having conversations about sex can be very uncomfortable, they are critical. If you are uninformed or uncomfortable talking about sex, then seek out the assistance of someone who is professionally qualified to have the conversation.
Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, www.drtamaragriffin.com or www.projectcreatesafe.com.
Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin have been quite vocal about their decision to postpone sexual activity until after they exchanged vows. Now, the couple is ready to share with the world exactly how they were able to stay committed to such a difficult vow through their upcoming book, “The Wait.”
“We’re writing a book called ‘The Wait,'” Meagan recently told Jimmy Kimmel. “It’s basically about, well, we waited to have sex before we got married.”
Of course, Jimmy was intrigued by the “Think Like A Man Too” actress’s discipline in that area and wanted to know more.
“I had been in a couple of relationships and I was like, ‘You know, this isn’t really working for me.’ I wanted to do something different and spiritually, it’s what I believe I always should’ve done. So I was like, you know, let’s try it this way. It was very different and it’s been amazing.”
In “The Wait,” Meagan says readers will learn about all of the techniques and tricks that she and DeVon used to keep from hopping in the sack before their wedding night.
“Obviously, we all know that it’s tough, but there were tricks that we learned that actually helped.”
Among the techniques they used was knowing when to say goodnight.
“One of the tricks was knowing when to part ways. You know, if you feel it’s getting too hot and heavy and you just have to go.”
She also shared a hilarious story from their wedding day where it seemed like the ceremony was being prolonged and of course, they were eager to finally consummate.
“We wanted the wedding to be right when the sun went down. It was supposed to go down at like six or seven o’clock that evening and it didn’t. The sun was off schedule, which was really stressing me out. So we waited like an hour and a half, which worked out fine because I had a bridesmaid who didn’t show up until 20 minutes before we walked down.”
To add to the humor of the night, Meagan says that their decision to practice abstinence was a major highlight for everyone at the ceremony.
“That was like the topic of all the speeches,” Meagan explained. “It went really, really left. Needless to say, that was the topic of everybody’s speech.”
Watch Meagan’s interview below.
Hollywood “it” couple, Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin, are not the least bit shy when it comes to discussing their decision to practice patience in dating and wait for marriage. The happily married couple are now seeking to encourage others to embrace “the wait” in a new book that they are co-writing.
“It’s that waiting period where we really get the most anxiety and the most frustration, so we’re gonna be writing a book that will address that, and we believe it will be very helpful,” DeVon told Sister 2 Sister.
Though the book, which has been titled The Wait, will address waiting for true love, DeVon says that it will also address other crucial waiting periods in life.
“It’ll be called ‘The Wait.’ And it’s all about how you handle the waiting period in life… from the relationship wait to the marriage wait to the career wait.”
The Wait is set to hit bookshelves in 2014. We’re sure the book will offer tons of spiritual advice, since waiting on God seems to be the common message offered by the newlyweds.
“Keep God first. Make sure that the person you hook up with is someone that you feel in your spirit is right for you,” Meagan told HipHollywood over the summer. “Sometimes you think that you want somebody and then you find out that’s not what you really want and you’re stuck and you just gotta get out. So yes, seek God’s face on who you’re with.”
“Don’t do it for any other reason than love,” DeVon chimed in.
“Yes, because you are stuck with them… forever,” Meagan added.
So, will you be grabbing a copy of The Wait when it goes on sale next year?
Jazmine Denise is a celebrity news and entertainment blogger. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise.
It appears that more and more celebs are joining team celibacy. Yesterday we told that Single Ladies actress LisaRaye McCoy decided to practice celibacy after growing weary of running into shallow men who are only interested in her physical appearance. Ironically, during an interview with Hot 97, “Somebody Else” singer, Mario, revealed that he, too, decided to practice celibacy for a year. According to Mario, the experience was spirit strengthening.
“I was celibate for almost a year. It works. It strengthens your spirit. I mean more than anything, when you really start to understand the physical experience that we have as individuals, you understand that the spirit is way stronger than the physical but if you feed your physical more than [the mental], that’s going to dominate,” he shared.
“So, I experimented with that and it’s something that I really wanted to go to a higher level spiritually. I felt like it would affect my music differently. It would affect my career, my surroundings, the people, and it has,” he continued.
Would you ever practice celibacy?
LisaRaye McCoy is almost synonymous with sensuality and sex appeal, but for the first time in a long time, the former First Lady of Turks and Caicos says she’s refraining from engaging in sexual activity.
“I’m in a new place. I’ve tried everything but celibacy, and I really want to know what it feels like to be touched by someone with a mental touch and not a physical touch,” the 45-year-old knockout told CocoaFab while on the set of Single Ladies.
She went on to say that she ‘s waiting for God to bring a man in her life who she can be “mentally intimate” with.
“I want to know what it is to build the foundation of the friendship for real, to have my best friend and not because we’re just intimate, but because we’re mentally intimate. So I’m waiting for that person to come into my life. And when I get myself together, I know God is gonna bless me with that, because I don’t want to come with extra baggage. I’ll come with some, but it’s not fair to him to come with a whole bunch.”
If you’re wondering why the sudden enlightenment, the Chicago native says she sick of running into men who are caught up on her physical appearance.
“When men meet me, they’re in awe of the image. I’m so turned off by that. Automatically I’m like, ‘Boy move.’ You know what I mean? Baby, bye. Because now you’re not gonna give me a real chance because you’re like, ‘You do look good in person.’ It’s like, ‘OK. How many times can I say thank you? But you don’t know I can be a great friend? You don’t know I can cook. You don’t know that I’m a nurturer. You don’t know that I prefer to stay at home and watch a movie and pop my own popcorn. But because the image is the strong, confident woman that’s like, Bam! In your face. Ay, you ain’t giving me a chance automatically.’ So a lot of my guy friends I have to go: ‘A ha ha ha ha!’ the whole time. I can be a good friend. Hello!”
“So I want someone to know me, to learn me. I want to start dating the man that I’m gonna marry. I want to start having some fun with someone that I know I’m gonna be with. I don’t play any games. I’m too old for that. I’ve been there, I’ve been around the block. I’m cultured, I’ve done a lot of things. I’m famous. I have money. I am polished, you know what I mean? I am a woman and I need a man, not a boy. I don’t want to be a teacher. I’m not trying to be your mother, I want to be your significant other.”
We can’t say for sure if any of this was triggered by her rumored relationship with Bishop Noel Jones, who is preparing to star in Oxygen’s new reality show, Preachers of LA, but it wouldn’t be surprising. Either way, good for her!
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise.
By now, you’ve heard Wale’s song “BAD” and probably let your head sway along with that smooth chorus. But did you really catch the lyrics?
[Hook: Tiara Thomas]
Is it bad that I never made love, no I never did it.
But I sure know how to f#%k.
Hmm is that bad?
If you caught last week’s episode of “The Game,” you saw the shock on Brandy and Boss Lady’s face when Keira (Lauren London’s character) revealed that she was a virgin. A 25-year-old virgin was laughable. But why? Why wasn’t that admirable? Why was she encouraged to gon’ and give it up?
Why is having sex by the time you’re a certain age, whether you’re married or not, expected? I’m a 25-year-old virgin. Am I missing something? Or am I waiting for true love? I know that may sound corny, but what if we have a shallow view of our body’s worth? What if having sex without love is not all it’s cracked up to be? From every angle I’ve seen, including a few scenes of “Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta,” all sex before marriage seems to do is just complicate things. Then again, I don’t even have to go that far, I see what it’s done to friends and family members. We’re not just sexual beings, we have emotions and souls too. So, don’t all those elements get intertwined when one has sex? For women, it definitely seems so. And if not, if you say you are able to have sex without feelings, doesn’t that mean you are dehumanizing yourself to merely an object to please others and be pleased? Are you really okay with that? I’m not. And I don’t think any of us should be. I think we should want more. We should want to experience the giving of our precious bodies to another under a lasting covenant. Sure, marriages are failing left and right, but does that mean that our bodies are now less valuable as well?
I could say at least wait to make love, but even that is selling yourself short if that “love” is before marriage. Imagine a world that waited ’til marriage and kept their vows. Think about the pain that wouldn’t exist in so many hearts. All of my friends who have been sexually active and now are waiting and praying for God to send them a husband they can worship with (yes, worship is what they call it) tell me that I should be glad I’ve waited. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have desires just like the next person, but I also have to have boundaries. They may sound like rules and regulations, but sometimes boundaries prevent us from forsaking great for good enough. I’m sorry, but Joan’s three-month rule (Girlfriends) and Steve Harvey’s employee probationary allegory that also applied a 90-day rule, shouldn’t be enough for us. We’re not talking about a job here, our beautifully and fearfully made bodies are on the line.
Considering that I’m a virgin, I’m sure some would argue I don’t know any better. But what about someone who does — from experience? It just so happens that my best friend—an up and coming songwriter whose written for and with some accomplished artists and songwriters —has another way of looking at love and sex. In her remix of “Bad” Natalie Lauren asks, is it bad that I want to find love?
Anyone who has ever attempted to date while practicing abstinence can tell you that it’s not an easy task. Navigating through the dating world can be challenging enough, but making the life-changing decision to close the shop and hold out on the goods in some ways makes things even more complicated. Entrepreneur and founder of Blackcelibacy.com, Jeremy Billingsley, however, is seeking to make things a bit easier for abstinent singles with his new site. According to the company’s vision statement, the goal of the site is not only to connect celibate singles, but to dispel untruths and stereotypes placed on people who practice celibacy.
“At BlackCelibacy we are dispelling the antiquated notions about celibacy for Black Singles, such as celibate people are unattractive, celibate singles are scarred emotionally, or if you are celibate you can’t date. Black Celibate Singles and Black Singles are joining at an alarming rate and finding love. Black Singles practice Celibacy for a number of reasons, such as: Spiritual, Ethical, avoiding STD’s, Self Discipline, Self Discovery, or just simply trying to avoid Premature Relationships. BlackCelibacy is more than a dating site with a niche of celibacy for Black Singles. Our dating site connects with Black Singles from a Spiritual, Ethical, and Social stand point.”
During a recent interview with Essence.com, Billingsley revealed that he’d actually received inspiration for the site while listening to a sermon one Sunday.
“I was in church and the pastor was preaching about love and and he was really trying to direct the sermon to the singles there, and I though to myself, outside of the church there really aren’t that many places where celibate singles can go that embraces that lifestyle and meet others on the same accord as them. When like-minded singles can get together you’re going to get better results.”
He went on to say that the alarming percentage of Black children being born into single-parent homes and people being plagued by STD’s serves as a driving force in his efforts to promote celibacy awareness as well.
“I’m married with three kids. One of the reasons I did this is because over 70 percent of Black kids are born into single-family households and the HIV and AIDs crisis. I wanted to do something different that would make a difference in the future but we’ve been deeply embraced within the Black community.”
Billingsley was also sure to communicate that although Black Celibacy is faith-based, the site is open to anyone who practices or is considering practicing celibacy.
“We are a faith-based site but our mission is celibacy. BlackCelibacy.com is for anyone who is celibate or considering celibacy. And it’s for those looking to meet others with the same values. We’re growing now. There aren’t just Black people on there. We actually have people of all races on the site.”
What do you think? Would you try out a site like Black Celibacy?
I Used To Be A Hypocrite! DeVon Franklin Says He Was A Backsliding Preacher Who Engaged In Premarital Sex
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, chances are you’ve heard at least a tiny tidbit about Meagan Good’s courtship and marriage to her Hollywood executive hubby DeVon Franklin. What made their relationship stand out so much in the sea of other Hollywood unions was how openly they discussed their decision to practice celibacy before tying the knot. During a recent interview with Let’s Pray TV, the newlyweds were asked about how they were able to discipline themselves to refrain from having sex before their wedding night.
“I had made a commitment of celibacy a long time before her [Meagan] and I had started dating. What motivated the commitment is also what helped me to keep it once we started dating. As you all know I preach and what happened was, I was kind of living a double life. I was preaching one Gospel, but then not living it. Trying to be two people started tearing me apart. I was like ‘Man, this just does not feel good in my spirit.’ So here I am doing this with this one woman and I’m going out preaching something different. Once I got out of that relationship, I made a commitment to God, ‘Once I’m out Lord, I’m done and I’m not going to do this until I’m married.’ I need to live in peace and I can’t live as two different people. So the desire for peace and harmony was the motivator. The other thing was the thought that if for some reason my disobedience were to disqualify me from God’s purpose for my life, would the activity that I was engaging in be worth it?” DeVon expressed.
“When Meagan and I got together I was already pretty strong in my walk and my commitment. Now this is Meagan Good so I had to do some prayer. I had to know myself and say ‘Alright, we just gonna hug right now and maybe kiss ya on the cheek.’ You have to know yourself. You have to be honest with your triggers. You also have to be vocal about your commitment. We talked about it. I didn’t know she was on that page, but I was blessed to learn that she was and it was just a matter of helping her stay strong in it,” he continued.
His honesty is refreshing, especially since some church folk like to pretend that they’ve been saved, sanctified, holy ghost-filled and baptized in the blood of the lamb since they left their mama’s womb!
Turn the page for footage of their chat and to hear Meagan share how she stuck with her commitment. Thoughts?
It seems that being close friends with power couple Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin, in addition to his role in the 2011 rom-com Jumping The Broom could have possibly be rubbed off on Laz Alonso. In a recent interview with Sister 2 Sister, the Deception actor discussed the success of the Franklins’ courtship and commitment to celibacy and how they’ve inspired him. He also shared his own views on celibacy and entertained possibly even practicing himself. Check out some of what he had to say.
On the decision to become celibate:
“I think it’s everybody’s choice. You know, people have different ways of going about their emotional and their personal lives. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. It’s all opinion and what works for you. I think what worked for Meagan and DeVon has obviously worked very well because they’re madly in love with each other and they are a role model couple for me. I can’t really force feed my opinion down anybody’s throat. I just think whatever works for you works,” expressed the 38-year-old actor.
On the possibility of practicing abstinence:
“I mean they [Meagan and DeVon] got married. So maybe I need to try that approach.
I think that it is absolutely beautiful how Meagan and DeVon can inspire those around them. Whether by merely provoking people to consider celibacy; which is something they may have never even considered before or making the decision to become celibate. We can’t say for sure whether or not Laz will be hopping the abstinence train anytime soon, but it’s cool that he’s open enough to consider it.
Check out footage of Laz talking celibacy on the next page. Have you ever practiced or considered practicing abstinence before?