10 Signs You’re On Your Way to Becoming a Baby Mama

September 18, 2011  |  
1 of 11

More black women in this country are baby-mamas than they are wives. Some even have multiple children with multiple men. Indeed there are several who qualify as hoodrats—of which such outcomes are expected. However, many are quite the opposite—educated, successful, selective. Certainly no one would classify Nia Long as a rat; yet, she has birthed two children out-of-wedlock.

73 percent of black children enter this world at a disadvantage—they are more likely to live in poverty, and more vulnerable to a life in the animal house called prison. Why? We have grown callous to subliminal media influences and fallen victim to false truths and our own naiveté. You see it’s not necessarily the type of man you date that makes you susceptible; it is the defects in your approach to life and romantic relationships.

Here is a list of some of the wrong-thinking that can place you in the position to do it all, alone:

1. You don’t have any clear plans.

Ever heard the saying, “An idle mind is the devil’s playground?” Well, it is and so is idle time. When you don’t have any goals to work toward, no projects on the table and you’re just living, it’s easier to act impulsively and make poor decisions. Women with a desired destination are more apt to evaluate the long-term effects of their actions.

2. You wonder why guys are so “if-y.”

Men aren’t nearly as indecisive as they lead you to think. In fact, when they want something it’s often very clear. Their actions will line up with their words. If it’s the other way around, he’s not “if-y”, he’s just uninterested in committing. Don’t waste your time dangling from puppet strings.

3. You think “talkin’” is just as good as being together.

Anyone you’re just “talkin’” to shouldn’t be getting the goodies, until it is verbalized that a relationship is boyfriend/girlfriend.

4. You have two or more baby-mama girlfriends.

Birds of a feather flock together. Period. Baby-mamas aren’t bad people but they shouldn’t make up your entire crew. Surround yourself with the type of women you want to rub off on you.

5. You suffer from I-Don’t-Like-Sleeping-Alone syndrome.

It’s natural to desire the warmth and security that comes from non-sexual intimacy. What woman doesn’t like to be held at night? However, the need for a man to hold you is a deeper issue. Using men to fill emotional voids will only leave you emptier, lonely and possibly with child.

6. You don’t mind being a jump-off.

Jump-off, in most cases, is best translated as not good enough to be number one. No matter how you twist it, wives are the queen bees. If you’re not good enough for a man to marry, the limited love he has for you shouldn’t be acceptable, either. Being kept doesn’t make it any easier to explain to your child why Daddy spends Christmas with his real family.

7. The pull-out method is your preferred form of contraception.

Remaining sexually active and childless requires effort. Err on the safe side and always use two reliable forms of contraception, such as condoms and the pill.

8. You don’t need a man.

You’re right; you don’t need a man…unless you want to give your child a shot at having a nuclear family, which still reigns supreme in healthiest upbringing. Like mothers, fathers play an important role in the lives of their sons and daughters. Learn from the generational lines of single mothers preaching you don’t need a man and do the opposite.

9. You like to have a good time all of the time.

It’s great to let your hair down and hang loose, but living off the cuff shouldn’t be an everyday thing. Cocktails, clubbing, hooking-up—no, honey, no. The party girl lifestyle will have you pushing a stroller before you know it. You’re only one, one one-night stand away from “How did this happen!?”

10. You accept calls after 11 P.M.

Answering to booty calls is a quick way to get knocked up by someone who devalues you. If a guy barely (or never) gives you quality time during the day, do you really want to be impregnated with his baby? Does he even deserve to taste the goods? No. Save yourself the potential heartache and drama and don’t answer calls from people outside your inner circle.

LaShaun Williams is a Madame Noire contributor and columnist whose work has appeared in The New York Times and on several other sites, including the Grio and HuffPost Black Voices. For more commentary on love, race, pop culture and politics, visit her blog Politically Unapologetic or follow her on Twitter @itsmelashaun and Facebook.  

WAIT! Check These Out!

Trending on MadameNoire

View Comments
Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Aaron

    If your man has not one but two or more babies by several different women your on your way to becoming a baby mama. Just look at the Ciara-Future situation.

  • Eric Loving

    Interesting theories given from a woman’s point of view about how men think…interesting

  • Fat Amy

    I have a lot of friends who are baby manaas some doing good some doing bad & I’m still on the road to success & I just completed my first of college that saying Birds of a feather flock together is not entirely true.

    • hmm


  • Pingback: 10 Signs you’re on your way to becoming a baby mama | YNaija()

  • Kiskeya

    After reading all these comments, instead of finding who to blame how about we work on a solution? What needs to happen is the implementation of these “signs”. How do we do that?

  • Two of Us Dating Service Texas

    Can you please make Billboards! Lol. It’s so true though, “Talkin” is not being together and anyone who wanted to spend time with you that night would have also spent time with you in the daylight too. I hate to think about the low self esteem these young women have but I hate to think even more about the generation of children they are raising and the future effects of this generation without dads.

  • Pingback: msn emoticons()

  • Pingback: Sex, Drugs, Lies, & Motherhood » 10 Signs You’re On Your Way to Becoming a Baby Mama()

  • Melva L. Florance

    Wow. Apparently this is an oldie but defnitely a goodie. Far be it from me to label a child as a mistake. The mistake is getting pregnant and you aren’t ready to be a family, provide that child with a stable homelife and give that child its BEST chance. I get so tired of grown folks still acting like this still “just happens”. There is no excuse for unplanned pregnancies. It takes “two to Tango” but we dismiss coparenting! #36&singleraisinganrresponsiblesomebodieschild

  • KaseyJ

    The reason why most black women are “baby mamas” is because their father is not in their lives.  whether or not you want to believe it, it always goes back to the man at the end of the day. If a little girl  has no daddy or father in her life, how in the hell is she suppose to know how a man is suppose to treat a woman.  If she has no man to be a father figure and tell what to look out for, why does she get blamed for that.  It’s her mom and dads fault.  It will all be a cycle.  We blacks often talk about whats going on in our communities but we don’t do nothing about it.  It you can’t take out time to mentor young girls and boys about life and education then shut the hell up!!!

    • Nicole

      At some point, grown women have to stop blaming their childhoods for their mistakes. Assuming that the lack of a father is what leads these women to bad relationships completely ignores the fact that the parental relationship (or lack thereof) is not the only relationship that these women are exposed to. It also ignores all the women (like myself) that grew up without a father and did not end up pregnant (or even with a scare), and it ignores the women with fathers in their homes that have ended up pregnant. Not having a father in the home is a risk factor for being an unwed mother, but it is not causal. And not to be rude, but it serves no purpose to attempt to educate people if you’re going to spread false information, which is what you did above. If you don’t know the facts, it’s much better that you not speak at all.

      • indyha ramsey cobbs

        I think the best thing for a woman to do is to find a man that has a good relationship with HIS father. Everyone thinks its the relationship with his mother, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Grown women go back to childhood and they go to what feels familiar to them even if it’s not good for them. Just like an alcoholic will usually fnd another alcoholic to be in love with. OR if you saw your mom get her butt beat ever day by your dad you may stragely end up with someone just like that. It’s just mind damage and people are not going to realize that unless they have therapy to deal with their childhood issues. Grown women are still little girls inside and want to be loved.Loving the inner child is important nurturing and caring for the inner child. A father is important but too many black men complaiin about the Queen they already have and that does mind damage to their little girls even if they are in their lives. You must love and serve the Queen, but if you did not grow up with a good father who was around that is ok if you had a great mother who was both mother and father.

    • indyha ramsey cobbs

      I agree with you, and I don’t think most women want to be baby mamma. Not one woman that is a baby mamma would say NO if that man asked her for her hand in marriage. NO woman would turn that down. In our communities we are taught that we shouldn’t expect marriage and that Mariage is an unrealistic expectation for a black woman. Black men act like they don’t want t be married and some even act like we are just lucky to be blessed to have sex with them. And so women worship these same men who ain’t crap! and that can be why you see so many black women fighting over one black man. He will make the excuse that he loves his baby mamma no.1. and that baby mamma no 2. causes too much drama. It’s really strange how we are taught in our society to view marriage and I agree with you it is a cycle. We do often talk about whats going on in our communities and you even hear baby daddies talk like they are so all the sudden educated about the problems and epidemics in the black community it makes you want to slap their fake faces. THe man is the leader of the home. But black men are not geared into thinking that way. It’s all about being a man so thy make a baby to prove they are a man. And the women make a baby to prove thy are a woman. But you can’t tell them that.Believe me I have been through it and met with hypocrisy. I just wanted to point out that this article is not all that true, some women really do want the ring and all they get it and then get dissappointed and they end up being baby mammas because like me they have made bad judgement. But we live and learn.

  • Maryjane1507

    Interesting article but none of these really describe the women i know who have had children with multiple men…I know of a few that are smart and educated, knew exactly that they wanted to have children with a family but just met the wrong man that could not commit, or are too intimidated by the modern woman to be honest enough about their goals..these women have decided to go it alone, raise their children because they have sufficient financial resources and join the ranks of “single parent by choice”. So, this article is clearly geared towards a particular type of woman but does not represent all.

    • Sweet Desire

      [Interesting article but none of these really describe the women i know who have had children with multiple men…I know of a few that are smart and educated, knew exactly that they wanted to have children with a family but just met the wrong man that could not commit, or are too intimidated by the modern woman to be honest enough about their goals]

      Which brings back to the signs “dating a man who acts if-y”, “don’t mind being a jumpoff” AND “using the pull out method as contraception”.
      The women that you knew may be educated wise but they weren’t smart enough to leave a man who won’t commit. That means they didn’t have respect for themselves to move on to find someone else who will give them the respect they deserve and allow themselves to be strung along and become jumpoffs. To make it worst they didn’t protect themselves and got pregnant…..again and again!

      The women that you know (or your friends) belong in that category. Stop making excuses for their stupid decisions.

      • Kickit

        Well to be honest sweet desire you do not know every situation. My situation was far more complex than “commitment” issues. Not all women who are single moms are what you describe. My childs father and I were very commited living together married he discovered he was gay many years later after we had our daughter. He has scizophrenia commited a crime and got locked up too.So I was a single mom for years after I found that out about him. Believe me he tried to make it work, get therapy but it did not work. We tried but it was complicated. My son father lied about being married and had cheated on his wife for several years I was totally unaware that they were still married. Now I am in a healthy relationship working toward, marriage with a great guy.

  • Mikerrr

    This should be required reading for all girls/women. Can’t believe some women actually fall for some of the crap you describe here. (“If-y?” Guys are not iffy about anything; we want to get laid. Period. If there’s anything else to our relationships with you, you’ll know it. If it seems “iffy” at all, there’s nothing else to it and you’re being used.)

    I think you could make one point more blatantly clear (although you did touch on it). You won’t end up a “baby-mama” (I prefer “unwed mother” or “mother of a bastard”) if you don’t sleep around. Abstinence is a 100% guaranteed effective form of birth control. If you absolutely have to give it up, go buy a toy and get some counseling.

    • Windyfrostt

      Tubligation is a good option. It can be reversed at a later time if more children are desired.
      It’s just a day surgery-nothing to it and 100 percent effective. Vasectomies for men were once
      touted for world population control, but don’t hear much about it these days. Good protection for men if a woman gets with child and claims you’re the dad. The doctor’s medical papers can back up you are NOT the father. These two ways are safe and effective. The vasectomy for a man is done in the doctor’s office, very simple. It can also be reversed if more children are wanted later.

      • Arieala Esmerelda MountainDew

        And is also not 100% effective. Sometimes, they don’t work. Granted, that is rare, but NOTHING is impossible. Except for slamming a revolving door. That’s impossible.