When you’ve been wronged, the idea of forgiveness is far-fetched. Let’s face it, you’re too focused on the act that was committed against you to even think about next steps (excluding any retaliatory thoughts, of course).
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I can be really petty at times and although my friend didn’t do anything monstrous (a lie was told and rumors were spread about me), I still held a grudge against her, which threw a wrench in our relationship. My resentment grew to a point where my relationship with this friend turned from in–depth conversations to just greeting each other with the universal head nod.
Unfortunately, I was okay with the new state of things and had no plans to reconcile with a person that I was a friend with for so long. Sure, my resentment took an emotional toll that I hated to bear, but simply forgiving her didn’t feel like an option. Of course, things changed when I started to grow spiritually, as the Bible mentions forgiveness, and quite plainly that you should practice it.
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” -Matthew 6:14-15
In addition to looking at several Bible verses, I surfed the Internet and even read books on the subject of forgiveness, trying to find the true meaning. I stumbled upon this explanation from Greater Good Magazine: forgiveness is a “conscious decision to release feelings of resentment toward a person who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.
Finding reasons to forgive can be difficult, especially if your feelings were truly hurt or trust was broken. Therefore, it’s good to note that letting things go isn’t really for the person who needs to be forgiven but mainly for you. Not to mention the additional health benefits.
In a 2012 study, psychologists found that harboring bitterness and anger toward someone can cause the stress hormone cortisol to spike. So, forgiving someone can decrease the stress as well as improve your immune function.
Even with all of the information that I researched, I was struggling with the practicality of it. Does forgiveness mean that you have to forget what happened? More importantly, does forgiveness fully repair a broken relationship?
I was able to forgive my friend and to this day, our relationship exists. Although my relationship with her hasn’t returned to its original state, I have come to the realization that even though our friendship will never be what it was, I’m okay with that. I still consider her a friend, but I have what she did in the back of my mind and because of that, my trust hasn’t been the same.
Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you are obligated to make things as they were or to even feel as though you have to keep him or her in your life. In fact, I have only let go of one of my friendships due to pain caused by that person’s actions. In that situation, I forgave but our relationship was never restored. Because he wasn’t the person I thought I knew as a friend, I had to let that bond go.
Forgiving someone takes the burden off of you, doesn’t interfere with your health and can keep you at peace. However, do not stress over whether or not to fully rekindle your friendship or attempt to be friends again because of the time that’s already been put in. Focus on how you really feel about them and what they add, not take away from your life. If they are someone who simply made a mistake but are worth the work to restore things with, make it happen. If not, forgive them, but don’t be afraid to let them go.