Funny Attempts We’ve All Made To Get Him In The Mood
Men have a reputation for always trying to get laid, always being on the hunt, constantly trying to get in women’s pants…you get the idea. And maybe for single men, this is true because, well, they’ve been mostly helping themselves at home with some adult film sites and a bottle of lubricant. But men in relationships can become a little lazy about the hunt. Once men have sex available to them most of the time, they end up rarely wanting it. Women in long-term committed relationships can attest to this. In fact, many women in long-term relationships find that the further they get into their relationship, the more they are the ones who want to get it on—and not their partners. So, to the long-term relationship warriors out there, here are hilarious attempts we’ve all made to get him in the mood.
Talking about your fantasy
You try to tell him about your fantasy of being a school girl and doing it in the library with a naughty librarian. Of course, your long-term boyfriend gets caught up in the logistics of the story, talking about how library aisles are too small these days and books smell funny. GAH! He doesn’t get caught up in the plot holes of his XXX-rated films, but your sexual fantasy—that he can’t grasp.
Walking around naked
You conveniently haven’t had a second to throw on a robe and have been bending over, vacuuming naked, washing dishes in the buff while your breasts jiggle around and curling up on him in the couch wearing nothing at all. But Mr. Dense hands you a robe to be helpful and suggests you might freak out the neighbors.
You: “Guess what I’m wearing?” Him: “Probably one of your pant suits because you’re at work.” You: “That little red thong.” Him: “Won’t it show through your pantsuit? You’re wearing a white pantsuit today aren’t you?” You: “Never mind.”
Trying on lingerie
Once you’ve been with a man for a while, he somehow forgets that when you buy lingerie it’s for him. So when you wander into the room in your new little negligee and ask what he thinks of it, he says, “Looks nice. Might be a little itchy to sleep in. What happened to your regular pajamas?”
Showing off our wax job
Sometimes you get so obvious as to ask him to touch the impeccable waxing job your waxist did on your…everything. And he’s impressed. But he doesn’t take the hint. He may even say something like, “But why did you pay for all that right now? We’re not going anywhere where we need bathing suits for a while.”
Playing a raunchy movie
You may even go so far as to keep “50 Shades of Grey” and “Nymphomaniac” playing on the TV, on loop, all day. You hope that the sounds of other people having sex will get your partner in the mood. But he asks you to turn the volume down because he’s reading.
Sitting on his lap and wiggling around
While your partner is working, you sit directly on his lap and start wiggling around. Then he starts adjusting, craning his neck around you to see the computer screen, and pulling up a chair for you to sit in by yourself. Right. Because that was the point—having a chair.
Hopping in the shower with him
You try sudsing your man up with soap, but he just starts complaining that that isn’t the soap he uses—he has a prescription one for his chest acne. Also, he wants you two to take turns under the water so he can get a good rinse. You just end up standing outside the water, shivering and angry.
Waking him up with oral
The longer you’re with a guy, the more he values sleep over sex. He may not even wake up if you try to give him oral. If he does, he might just tell you he wants to go back to sleep.
Purchasing a new, fun lube
So you try purchasing a new, fun lube. Maybe it glows in the dark and is edible. You tell your partner all about it, hoping to get him in the mood. But you come home to find he has used it to moisturize his dry feet. That stuff cost $20 for a tiny bottle!
Walking down sex memory lane
Maybe reminiscing on the good old days when you had sex three times a day will get him in the mood. So you start talking about the time you did it in the bathroom of that club or the quickie you had while your parents were about to arrive—the danger of getting caught exciting you both. But somehow, your partner walks down a different memory lane and starts talking about how great the food was at the Italian restaurant you went to with your parents. And, can you get the recipe for that lasagna? Ugh. That is not the lasagna you were hoping he’d eat.
Complimenting him to death
You’re so hot. You’re so sexy. Your muscles are bulging. I seriously don’t know how God made someone as perfect as you. You should be on the cover of GQ. Oh, I’m interrupting your work? So sorry. How rude of me to compliment you. I was just doing it for my own health over here.
Making an aphrodisiac meal
You make your man a delicious aphrodisiac meal, full of the classics like oysters, chili peppers and chocolate covered strawberries. He makes himself a plate…and plops down on the floor in front of the TV. Oh, and he reminds you to blow out the candles—they’re dangerous.
“Looking” for something in his pocket
The old trying to find something in his pocket trick. Except it doesn’t work when he just gets it for you and says, “Here it is!” Great. Because you really wanted that pack of gum. Yes, that’s what you were craving.
Making him a little jealous
Sometimes, a little sense of competition can get a man in the mood. But not necessarily for a man you’ve been with for five years. Telling him about all the shameless flirting your coworker does with you might just make your partner say, “Well, that’s inappropriate. You should tell him to stop.”