My “bad guy” infatuation began in high school when I entered into my first serious relationship (well, serious for a 17-year-old). The guy was a football player, your traditional 6-foot-2 and 230 pounds of fineness. Although our personalities were polar opposites, this young man’s slick wit and unconventional ways kept me intrigued and in love.
Our two-year relationship, filled with silly arguments, which led to multiple breakups, ultimately ended over one huge argument. I can’t remember what it was about (for once, it wasn’t over the many accusations I had of him cheating), but I know how I felt during that time — completely over it.
Since my first truly romantic relationship occurred in my formative years, you could say that I didn’t know any better. He was my first bad boy. Despite that rocky relationship, I still went on to have a few more interesting encounters with bad boys turned into bad guys. Now these men weren’t really bad, bad guys, they just couldn’t seem to do right in terms of love. They added flare to my life, but in the end, we were always incompatible.
Be honest. At one time or another, most of us wanted (or still want) a roughneck. You might not want “…a dude with attitude” who “only needs his fingers with his food” that MC Lyte used to talk about, but you desire the excitement.
However, that excitement you’re thirsting after is actually drama. For some reason, you find the arguments, and at times, the chase, appealing. Cherilynn Veland, LCSW, MSW briefly described how the chemical dopamine that’s involved in bringing about anger can be addicting. “It [dopamine] feeds the feel good parts of our brains,” Veland wrote on PsychCentral.com.
She added that the yearning for drama could be linked to a person needing to “feed a need to be seen or to feel like a vital part of people’s lives.” So your longing for a bad guy could stem from your need to take on a project. I’ve heard many married women joke about training their husbands. But what about training your boyfriend or just flat out wanting to fix him?
The senior writer at Elite Daily agrees with this idea of treating a hot mess of a man like an assignment. Gigi Engle believes that women secretly want a boyfriend with a chaotic personality. “When a woman is faced with a ‘bad boy,’ she automatically finds the challenge to tame him alluring,” she said.
Before meeting my husband, I had a chaotic relationship with a boyfriend who I felt the need to fix. I was exhausted. And unfortunately, my view of a healthy relationship ended up being skewed.
After meeting my husband, I knew he was one of those nice guys. You know, the guy that you bring home to meet mom, the guy who would spoil you but know when to say no, and the guy who you could marry. I slowly started to realize that if we did hook up, I could see him he being “the one.”
But because I was so used to the BS of my past relationships, I was expecting my then-boyfriend to be about the same. Therefore, for the first year of our relationship, I expected him to “mess up.” Not necessarily cheat, but say or do something really crazy that would create the drama I was inadvertently seeking.
It took a year of dating, but I finally realized that I was in a healthy relationship. Yes, we argued, but we both knew how to listen and respect each other’s point of view. Yes, we both had growing to do, but neither of us felt the need to fix or train the other. Yes, I enjoyed the excitement he brought into my life, but it didn’t revolve around unhealthy spectacles.
So I say all of that to remind you that the guy at work who has been checking you out for years or the guy that you quickly put in the friend zone is a nice guy, worthy of a chance. Give him the opportunity to show you that and give yourself a break from settling for unnecessary drama.
I married my nice guy and I’m so very glad that I did. Nice guys finish last and I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing.
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