The Key Differences Between Casual And Relationship Sex
When you only sleep with someone once, or even for just a few weeks, you never really have to know how sex might evolve or change with that person. When sex isn’t injected with love and commitment yet and hasn’t been weathered by the passing of time, you only know it as spontaneous, new and exciting. When you’re with someone for a while, it’s very difficult for sex to be any of those things. But relationship sex has its own appealing attributes. There’s a level of comfort you get from relationship sex that you just can’t get from casual sex and a level of excitement you get from casual sex you just can’t get from relationship sex. Here are the key differences between casual sex and relationship sex—they’re not bad or good, they’re just hilariously true.
Casual: Hot scheduling
Here’s an example of scheduling sex in a way that is hot: “You. Me. In the closet. Your underwear on the floor. Ten minutes.” It’s not so much about scheduling as it is having what you want when you want it.
Relationship: Practical scheduling
Here’s an example of scheduling sex in a relationship: “Hey, ask your boss if you can leave work early to skip traffic because that’s the only way we’ll have time to have sex before the movie. And you know we’ll be too tired after the movie.”
Casual: No talking
In casual sex, when it’s on, it’s on. The room can be filled with your laughter and chit chat, and the next second, it’s silent (except for some smacking noises).
Relationship: Coital conversation
When you’ve been together for a while, even as you’re grabbing the lube and making out, you’re talking about the fact that your partner needs to add lube to the shopping list on the fridge because you’re almost out. And somehow, it doesn’t kill the mood.
Casual: Everything is new
Even missionary is exciting with an all new person. And you have all the time in the world to slowly transition into the other positions, welcome toys into the equation, and show them tricks you can do with ice cubes.
Relationship: Mixing it up is homework
You will almost run out of ways to spice things up. You will start buying Kama Sutra books and researching lubrication that offers different sensations. You’ll practically become a researcher on sex.
Casual: Workshopping is hot
When it’s still casual sex, it’s somehow hot to tell someone what you like and don’t like, and what they’re really good at, and what you’d like them to do differently.
Relationship: Workshopping gets personal
If you tell your partner that he’s lazy about this in bed, he’ll remember that. He’ll start to think you find him lazy in everything in life! It bleeds into the relationship.
Casual: No sex is a huge deal
When a relationship is in the budding stages, or still very casual, sex is non-negotiable. If you hang out and don’t have sex, it sends you into a tailspin of anxiety. What does it mean? Are we just friends now? Is my bra ugly?
Relationship: No sex is nothing
When you’ve been together for a while, you won’t have sex more than you will have sex. You can get to a point where you haven’t had sex in three days and not even think of it.
Casual: Makeout is key
When things are still casual, you do a lot of making out. You just do. You’re excited about every little amount of physical contact, and you want to draw things out.
Relationship: You kiss to be polite
Okay, that sounds bleak. You still love to kiss each other. But, your relationship has reached new, more profound level of intimacy—like accompanying one another to doctor’s appointments. It doesn’t feel “unloving” not to make out; you know you love each other. So you can get to the banging.
Casual: Post-coital bedtime
Here’s another thing you overthink when it’s casual: how much time you spend in bed after the sex. If the person pops out of bed, or immediately opens their laptop, it means something.
Relationship: You have other things to do
Again, you know you love each other, so you don’t need to spend twenty minutes in bed after sex to prove it. In fact, you’d both rather get up so you can pick up takeout from that place you love before it closes.
Casual: Everything is separate
You’re still playing it cool, trying not to take anything personally, and guarding your feelings in a casual relationship. So your date can do something off-putting, and you might still have sex because you don’t let non-sex things affect sex.
Relationship: Everything is connected
In a relationship, what happens outside of sex deeply affects what happens inside of sex. If you’ve had a wonderful, loving date full of laughter, the sex will be playful and drawn out. If you’re feeling cold towards each other, the sex might be distant or non-existent.
Casual: You’re physically perfect
You can have casual sex on an upset stomach when you have cramps and a headache. Somehow the adrenaline of sex with a new partner puts all that stuff on the backburner.
Relationship: You’re physically a mess
When you’re in a relationship, you just say, “Hey my irritable bowel syndrome is acting up, so it’s not a great night for sex. Maybe we can pull it off if we keep the positions simple.”
Casual: You compare
When it’s still casual, you compare how sex is with one person to how it was with another. You also compare your own performance. You’re very aware of “how” people are at sex.
Relationship: Nobody else exists
When you’re in a great relationship, you can’t imagine having sex with anyone else. You can barely remember having sex with anybody else. And you’re not at all conscious of your performance. It’s not a performance anymore.