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I think people often underestimate how big of a deal it really is to have a child with someone — especially if you have that child with someone you don’t plan on staying in a romantic relationship with. This is especially true in the sense that your co-parent, if not on good terms with you, and in some cases, still in love with you, could be a major impediment to future relationships.
For instance, I came across a woman sharing her concerns about the mother of her boyfriend’s child calling, texting and even showing up at his home at all times of the night:
“I am currently in a relationship with a guy who has broken up with his baby’s mother. She is constantly sending texts to him about his baby and her personal business. He said he told her it’s over and the only time she must call him is about the baby, but she keeps calling and texting. She even visits his house when he is not there and stays over with his sister saying it’s too late for her to go home. What should I do?”
Yikes.
I also know a woman who is dating a guy with a child. The mother of his son tends to call at the worst times, and even sends him messages late at night on occasion. She told me that when she confronted her boyfriend about the ex contacting him after hours, he pretty much responded with, “She’s my child’s mother. So what, am I not supposed to answer?”
On top of co-parents underestimating the impact having a child with someone can have on future relationships, those who date people with children also underestimate all that can come with such situations. Hence the reason the discussion was so spirited when we talked about whether or not we would ever date men who have kids last month. Many said no because the man comes as a packaged deal — with child and possible drama with the child’s mother.
But I do believe that these types of relationships can work just fine — if the person you date creates boundaries with their co-parent. An occasional message late at night is fine if it’s about something important pertaining to the child they share. But when it’s common for the woman to text at all times of the night, it shows a lack of respect for your relationship on her part, and a lack of respect on his part as well for not drawing a line. If it’s not about the kid (or kids), do they really need to talk like that? Should they even talk after a certain time of night? It’s essential that the boyfriend, who is in the center of this situation, make it clear to his child’s mother what is appropriate, that he’s in a committed relationship with you, and that he should only be contacted when it has to do with the child they share. If he doesn’t get why this needs to happen, it could be a sign something deeper is going on that he’s trying to hide. Maybe he still has feelings for her. Maybe he likes all the attention he’s getting from his girlfriend and from his ex. Or maybe he’s been engaging in inappropriate behavior with the mother of his child on the low and that’s why he’s hesitant to let her know she’s doing the absolute most. Either way, it’s on him to really clean the situation up, as he does have to have contact with this woman to be able to have a solid relationship with his child. (I don’t recommend that girlfriends try and contact or interact with the co-parents unless it’s about the well-being of the child.)
As they say in church, he needs to get his house in order. If he doesn’t, it sounds like a continuous headache waiting to happen for the woman I know, who really deserves better. Because even if she can’t be No. 1 in his life (that honor goes to his kid), he could at least make her No. 1 in his romantic life, which doesn’t seem to be the case right now…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Is it petty to be upset about your partner’s co-parent contacting them at unsuitable times? Or is it a real problem?
