Shutterstock
“Who do I have to slap to get a pair of shorts that actually covers my a-s?”
That’s what I thought as I walked from store to store earlier this week, attempting to buy a decent pair of shorts to prepare for this weekend’s heatwave in NYC. I won’t put any particular retailer on blast. But let’s just say that the selection in most was minimal. And really, I could say the same thing for the material used to make the shorts: minimal.
Bottom after bottom disappointed me. When I picked them up, if they weren’t slinky enough to be shorts that should strictly be worn while lounging, they featured a crotch that was longer than the sides of the shorts. Meaning? Folks were going to be a–ed out. Literally. Still, I came across a few pairs I thought would be reasonable, so I decided to try them on. It took all sorts of adjustments to pull the shorts up, while also trying to pull them down at the same time. When I would turn in the mirror, almost every pair ended up showcasing my dark meat. What is “dark meat”? That’s what I call the flesh right underneath your buttocks, right at that curve, that warns you when you’re cutting it close. As I tried to find a way to make the bottoms work, turning at every angle, walking to see if they would ride up, I thought to myself, “Whose booty are these really supposed to fit?”
And honestly, that’s a thought that crosses my mind every summer. I try to adjust and go with the flow when it comes to style changes. However, it’s as though every year, the shorts gets shorter while the crotches of the bottoms get longer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude who wants to take us back to pedal pusher days (*shudders the thought*). Still, while I’ve never thought a lot of bottoms, in general, were made for curvy women, with the current look of shorts, it’s more evident than ever.
I see women without curves loving the look. With their pins on display at festivals, those without much hip or buttocks happily strut their stuff in the shortest of shorts. Curve of their butt cheek showing, not a care in the world. No one harasses them, no one really bats an eye. But as a person with a little more meat on my bones, the few times I’ve tried to step out in some short shorts, I’ve literally felt like I wanted to run home and put on sweat pants after walking one block. My actual butt wouldn’t show, but a whole lot of thigh was on display. I was cutting it so close that I had to bend down differently just to avoid giving people a show.
Not only were the shorts uncomfortable in terms of the type of attention I was receiving that I sure wasn’t looking for, but they were uncomfortable because they kept riding up. And I’m sorry, but it makes no sense for one’s vagina to not be able to breathe in shorts.
I understand the desire to show some skin because it’s summer. As someone who has worked hard in the gym to get myself together, I’m excited to step out toned and tan. Still, I don’t need to literally show my ass to do that, or to feel good about it. Kudos to the ladies who can rock it, but I need coverage, and right now, the options for shorts are getting very thin. It would be nice if you didn’t have to go on a journey to find just one pair that covers you up while still letting your legs catch a breeze, and if you didn’t feel like your only option is to cut a pair of old, raggedy jeans every time it gets hot. (Seriously, not all of us have a steady hand to cut evenly…)
But alas, such is “the style” of the moment. The high-wasted pant with the peek-a-boo (make that, “Whoomp! There it is!) bottom or low-waist shorts. And while I can respect that, I would respect it more if there were still a wide variety that didn’t leave you stuck choosing between short shorts and those awful tight shorts that stop at the top of your knee.
A big chunk of the fun of summer is having the ability to wear a lot of the things you wouldn’t get to wear any other time of the year. To step out in flirty dresses, sandals and shorts and let your skin shine in the sun. But these days, buying and wearing shorts just doesn’t feel as much fun as it used to be…
