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Our twenties have long been dubbed the “selfish years.” I’m not sure who decided to declare how one should spend these monumental nine years, but it’s provided the excuse for much heartbreak, confusion and regret. Since the inception of my college years, I was taught that this decade-long period should be solely focused on myself. Wise friends encouraged me to live according to the laws of Nikki, throw my heart and soul into pursuing dreams and have fun trying on a few men (as if they’re outfits in a store). All recommendations that, at the time, I completely engaged in.
Two weeks ago I received an early morning phone call from my best friend. Considering the fact that it was 9 am and our normal communications ensue within texting walls, I had a feeling that this call wasn’t the average “check in.”
I answered at my desk with a whispering “hello.”
“Hey girl, do you have a minute?” she responded. Naturally I thought the worst. Who died? I nervously scanned potential victims in my head before uttering the confirmation she needed to continue.
“I need you to sit down, I have something to tell you.”
The last time someone demanded I take a seat it was to reveal painful news (or just opposition to one of my many Beyonce rants). But being at work, this wasn’t the time or the place for the latter, and I was sure my friend knew that.
After a few deep breaths, I assured her that I was sitting.
” So I want to tell you something that may be shocking. I left New York.”
“Excuse me?”
Let me brief you on this friend before moving any further. My friend was a brilliant, budding producer here in New York. She’s worked for a major network for a few years, produced rewarding content and up until recently, appeared to be happy. In one year she met a great guy, fell in love and they had just planted their feet in a new swanky Brooklyn apartment. Though the trajectory of her life seemed ideal to anyone standing on the outside, internally she was yearning to break free; a feeling too many of us New Yorkers often empathize with. We dream of getting up and leaving this soul-draining place behind, but are held down by reality and all that comes with it.
Continuing our phone conversation she reminded me of how depressed she had been and how her search for purpose became all-consuming. She spoke briefly of moving to California in the past as a stepping stone towards her producer/director dreams, but considering all that New York was providing her, that dream didn’t seem urgent.
Any friend would have been stunned, sad or possibly angered by this news, but somehow my spirit smiled for her. She left us all behind in pursuit of something greater… herself. Such an act of courage was to be admired. Even if it carried dramatic undertones and required abandoning her friends, family and relationship all on a whim.
When a friend makes such a sudden and unexpected change for their greater good, it forces you to self-check a few things. Too often I’ve yearned after someone else’s life moment, unappreciative of my own. I’m in a loving relationship, supportive family surrounds me, and though I’m not all the way together yet (because, who is?) I’m growing as a human. I have nothing to escape from.
Many twenty-somethings are faced with an ultimatum: relationship vs dreams — as if the two are mutually exclusive. We’re all open to getting bit by the success bug, but swatting away the love bug once it comes? That’s never an easy choice. But is it even possible to achieve career success while enjoying great personal success in your relationship? That’s a question I’ve been pondering for quite some time. My friend left her boyfriend behind with a two-day notice. Though it wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, she’s adamant that it was a necessary, although difficult, decision for her future. And she didn’t want anyone having weight in her choice; the secret worked. My friend is now out in California capturing every moment (pictorially) of her “happy life.” Where does that leave him? Picking up the pieces she left behind.
While striving for greatness, we’ve all encountered the fear that getting into a relationship will slow down the process, distract, and possibly cause us to become weak and unmotivated. There’s a common panic that our focus in chasing a personal dream will ultimately deter us from establishing successful relationships; that a relationship during this stage in our life will take us off course, while our competitors continue to reach new levels.
But why do we have to choose one over the other?
I have yet to ask my friend why the relationship she’s invested more than a year into didn’t require the same dedication she put toward her professional dreams. Why can’t her relationship goals and professional goals find a loving space in the same house? After all, our partners should be supportive, loving, understanding and complimentary to our dreams– not a distraction. In my own relationship, I’m experiencing the beauty of growing with a partner. We challenge those who believe a man or woman has to have it altogether before coming together. We still have a long list of professional, personal and united goals that we’re aiming to check off our list, but what’s beautiful is that we’re able to teach and learn from one another. My self-doubt is conquered by his confidence, my determination motivates his laziness at times, and sometimes we need that to not only further ourselves professionally, but personally. Can’t dreams be encompassing of both – or is one a required sacrifice?
