Mommy Issues: I Feel Like She Saw Me As Competition

I end up being way too forgiving of people and I tolerate them more than I should…

I know you’ve said that you felt like you had to raise your parents. Can you speak on that?

It’s kind of like about me never having innocence as a child. They’re just not responsible. Like my mom made a lot of suicide attempts when I was in high school. She would be just gone. She’d let her [romantic] relationships affect how she mothered her children. She’d get mad at her boyfriend and she’d be gone. Ok well, your boyfriend is never at home because he’s out getting drunk and f*cking other people all the time. So the only people at the house are me and Roger. So I have to take care of my brother.

And at that age as well, I’m also going through puberty. So I was on the internet, trying to find people to help me escape. And that’s why I was hanging out the boys I did at the time. They were necessarily healthy relationships but it was something to distract me from what I was going through at the time.

Have you ever told your mom any of this?

The only times that we really talk about it is when I’m angry. I don’t really feel like talking to her would change much. The situation still is what the situation is. I’m able to tolerate her on certain things.

Do you feel like she’s grown, matured or come out of some of the behaviors she exhibited when you were younger?

I feel like one of main differences from how she was then to how she is now, is that now she’s single. But even the last time I was living with her, she called her ex boyfriend about our living situation, to have him give her input on our relationship and our living situation. I’m like, for what?

And that’s one of the main issues that I had with her growing up and through puberty. Her boyfriend would tell her when to discipline me and when to discipline me. You should never let a man come in between or determine how you parent your children, especially a man who never raised any of his own children. Like what the f*ck?!

How do you feel like growing up with your mother has affected your life in a positive way?

I’m definitely resourceful because of her. Growing up, I learned how to ride the bus because she wouldn’t take us places. And even her, no matter what the situation is, my mom knows how to get a job, a car and a place over her head. So like that’s one of the reasons I wasn’t afraid to go away to college because of the things she’s taught me. So even though I didn’t have my innocence as a child growing up, I know how to navigate a lot of systems. So that helps me to be resourceful to other people.

How is Mother’s Day for you?

I don’t know… Some years she complains about not getting gifts because I don’t really get gifts. Sometimes I’ll get her a card or something. There’s a lot of years that have gone by that she didn’t even recognize my birthday. So if she doesn’t feel a certain way, then I don’t feel a certain way about it. I don’t really feel down on the day.

How does it make you feel when people tell you to honor your parents or quote scripture? Does it make you feel a way?

That was one of my major insecurities with dating in high school and post high school because I feel like people will judge you based on your relationship with your parents. Even now, a lot of my male friends have similar parenting situations as mine. I mainly dated men with mommy issues which is not really healthy. The main reason why I dated them or gravitated to them was because I felt like they wouldn’t judge me for my own situation. Because when you date someone, you’re potentially dating them for marriage or a long-term-relationship. It’s like their family becomes your family. And multiple people I’ve dated have expressed concerns about how they don’t want to marry into mess. And I feel like that’s what my situation is. It’s mess. It also puts more pressure on me to find a mate who doesn’t have that because I don’t my children to have two sets of grandparents that are a hot mess.

People will judge you based on your relationship with your parents.

What do you feel like she needs to become more stable?

I feel like she needs a lot of therapy. Even during the suicide attempts, she would be in there for a couple of days. But she didn’t really do anything that was long-standing. She has a lot of self esteem issues too. She went and got gastric bypass surgery because her boyfriend was cheating. She thought that that would stop him from cheating. I just feel like she’s always trying to get that outward approval.

Are you scared to have your own children because of your experiences growing up?

I think so. If you look at it, it’s almost like a natural inheritance having some f*cked up mother-daughter relationship. There’s no positive mother-daughter relationships in my family.

What would you like to do differently and what would you like to do the same?

One thing I definitely wish that I had that I didn’t have is open discussions with my daughter. I want to be in a place where I’m more confident so it’s not like I’m passing my own insecurities onto her. And also to give her an example of healthy relationships and how to walk away and express herself when something is not in her best interest.