Things You Miss About College Hookups And You Know It - Page 7

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Admit it: you miss some of your old college shenanigans. Since you were lucky enough to escape college without any (uncurable) sexually transmitted diseases, without any unwanted pregnancies and without any damage to your reputation (because it’s college: who cares?) you can look back on the days of random college hookups fondly. You had your whole life ahead of you so when it came to hookups, you didn’t have to be so…hmm…what’s the word? Discriminating? Tasteful? Permanent in your sexual orientation? You get the idea. You could wake up next to a stranger, a jacuzzi and some glittery shot glasses and laugh it off. Today, it seems like every hookup that doesn’t turn into a relationship is a blemish on your love life. Ugh. But, you kind of get it. It’s time to “grow up.” Nobody can blame you, however, for missing these elements of college hookups.

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The accidental Eskimo sisters

You’d be telling your Biology lab partner about the cute football player you hooked up with. You know—the one with the super thick neck and, well, you sorta hooked up with him for that reason. And your lab partner would say, “Wait: Corey? I hooked up with him last Spring! Ha!” And you’d both giggle, and get back to dissecting an octopus.

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Today Eskimo sisters=war

You dread discovering that you’ve slept with the same guy a friend or coworker has slept with. When that happens, you get this lump in your throat and a sense of panic. You think, “Oh no. Are there really so few men left that there is starting to be a crossover between who me and who my friends have slept with?”

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And Eskimo brothers

Remember when you’d come home giddy from a hookup and look up the guy on Facebook, to show him to your roommate? Then you’d start to see another guy you recognized in his pictures. Seems like it’s his…best friend? Seems like they’re together all of the time. Seems like—oh yeah, you slept with him too. Oops.

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They were left to battle it out

This felt like a victory in college. You conquered a set of best friends. If those two found out they were Eskimo brothers, it was up to them to battle it out. Today, if you find out you’ve slept with two men who are good friends, somehow you’re the one to blame. Not fair.

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Morning-after burritos

There was nothing like standing at that one really good burrito truck on campus, holding your heels in your hand, knowing that your underwear is in your purse, and waiting for a big steak burrito to replenish after a night of drinking and doing it.

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Nights of burritos/pizza/nachos

Burritos were just an integral part of hooking up in college! Either burritos or greasy pizza from that one all-night Italian place or grilled cheese sandwiches from the grilled cheese truck. You and your hookup would bond over guacamole before ripping each other’s clothes off.

Nights of NOTHING

Okay, you don’t eat nothing on dates now. But you certainly wouldn’t dare to eat a burrito or half a pizza! Let me count the reasons: bloat, indigestion, too sober to ignore the calorie guilt, too hormonal to risk the skin breakout you’ll get from the greasy food. If you so much as think you’ll get laid, you eat a watercress salad.

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Living room of shame

Forget the walk of shame: in college it was a full living room of shame. Sometimes, it was an entire house of shame if you hooked up with a fraternity guy! But, you didn’t really care. Your hookup’s roomies were at worst stoned or half asleep and at best pretty nice, actually. You’d all laugh as you asked to use their nasty—nasty—bathroom before leaving.

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A real walk of shame

Today, it really is a walk of shame. You could run into your mom’s best friend, your boss, your coworker, your gym trainer or any number of influential people while you walk out of what is clearly not your apartment, with sex hair.

Five curious roommates

Ah. The bang and tell. It was so fun to go back to the college apartment (that you inevitably shared with five girls because campus housing is pricey) and dish the dirt on your hookup. They would all gather around you with their bowls of cheerios and want to hear all the details. You were like the pack leader who had been out on a successful hunting trip.

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Your lonely apartment

Now, after a hookup, you go home to your empty apartment. Maybe you have a cat. You certainly have a lot of bills, a sink full of dishes that need scrubbing and a reality check. Sigh.

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Meeting at a rave/foam party

Think of some of the places you met your college hookups. Just think of them. Glowstick parties. Alpha parties. Toga parties —ya know—parties. Hey nobody said the names for college parties were progressive. Nonetheless, you met guys while you were dressed as a crazy person, and slept with them like that, too.

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Meeting at organized events

Now you meet men on blind date setups, online, or speed dating. It’s so…predictable.

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Going to class in yesterday’s clothes

You used to stumble into your 10 am lecture in last night’s tiny dress, five-inch heels, and the sweatshirt you stole from your hookup. No, you don’t have your books because you haven’t been home. Yes, you do need to read off your classmate’s notes who is looking at you knowing exactly what the deal is.

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Going to work in yesterday’s clothes

You can’t go to work in yesterday’s clothes. You can’t go to work smelling like Gin and Tonics. You can’t go to work without your presentation files because you haven’t been home since your hookup. You could, you know, get fired.