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When you’re a 20-something, you’re typically fresh out of college, working diligently towards establishing a career and living it up before marriage and motherhood come calling. During this decade in a young woman’s life, she has high hopes of meeting the man of her dreams and working towards her happily ever after. But now that my 20s are long gone, well, not too long gone, there are so many things I wish I would have known about love, life, relationships and men that would’ve saved me time and heartache during my 20s. However, I realize that the things I went through helped me become the woman I am today. But to help others, here are some things I wish I would have known a long time ago.
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You Can’t Make A Man Settle Down
No matter what you do, or what you don’t do, you will never make a man settle down and marry you if he does not want to. And you should never feel the need to force him to commit to you. A man is going to do what he wants when he’s ready. If he can’t see the beauty in you then walk away from him gracefully, and wait patiently for the one who will willingly settle down with you. No rush, no fuss.
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Never Change Your Plans To Be With A Man
There were so many times I planned to do things with my girls, or better yet, by myself, but as soon as a guy I was dating would call I instantly switched my plans. This was a mistake I quickly learned from. Canceling or even changing my plans wouldn’t bring him any closer to committing to me, and I realized that I need to have my own life outside of a man. This wasn’t an easy thing to do because any time a man I was dating wanted to see me of course I jumped at the chance because I wanted to see him just as much. However, changing my plans and making myself accessible to him whenever he wanted me to made me look easy and desperate. That is a no-no. Always keep the plans you’ve made, and if a man wishes to see you let him get in where he fits in.
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Don’t Convince Yourself That He Loves You, Let Him Show You
At some point in our lives, we have all heard a man tell us that he loves us, but his actions don’t match. And we as women often force ourselves to believe small words without examining true motives. The way you’ll know a man genuinely loves you is if he consistently gives himself to you in the form of time, honesty, respect, and support. Observe his actions more than you listen to his words, and believe what he shows you.
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A Man’s Character Will Always Be More Valuable Than His Cash
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting a man who is financially stable or prosperous, a man’s finances should not be a priority. Instead, his character (who he truly is) should be the primary focus. The truth of the matter is that it doesn’t matter if a man has all the money in the world, or if he’s struggling to make ends meet. What matters is his integrity, his morals, his mental stability, and the manner in which he carries himself.
Be A Serial Dater
When I was in my 20s, I often found myself latching on to the first man I liked, settling into a relationship with him rather than dating around and exploring my options. I did this because I wanted companionship, I didn’t want to put in the time or energy it takes to date more than one person. I failed to see the benefit in doing so. But dating around allows me to meet new and exciting people, experience new places, and take note of what I want and don’t desire in a potential mate. Many may view dating around as childish and immature, but it’s a part of the dating process that women often skip because we’re only focused on settling down. There’s nothing wrong with wanting this, but if you focus on settling down too quick, you may be settling for less than what you deserve all because you didn’t delve into the dating field. Don’t sell yourself short.
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There Is No Age Limit On Marriage
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women say “I need to be married before I turn 30, or at least engaged.” Says who? There is no rule that says you have to be married by a certain age. In fact, in my humble opinion, you should get married older because you’re more mature in who you are. Focus on the beauty that is you as an unmarried individual, and when it’s your time you’ll be the right age.
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Allow Yourself To Cry Over A Man Once, And That’s It
One thing many of us do is cry over those who bring us heartache, and it’s a good idea to do so. You’re releasing the hurt, pain and bitterness with each tear. But after you’ve cried your eyes out it’s time to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. Don’t spend endless days and nights sobbing over someone who broke your heart. Instead, start rebuilding and healing towards the better person they’ve helped you become.
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Learn To Appreciate The Relationship Process
Believe it or not, there are steps to dating and relationships that should be taken to have successful partnerships. However, many people skip them because they are so eager to satisfy their needs, and hopefully seal the deal of getting to the altar by any means necessary. It’s important to be someone’s friend, get to know them for who they are, and then decide together if you want to move forward with dating them exclusively. Nowadays, people see an attractive person, exchange numbers, meet up, sleep together and then find themselves in situationships. This could easily be avoided if more people took the time to date and courted each other. It would also save a few hearts from being broken.
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Don’t Force Yourself Into A Relationship
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve allowed people to “hook me up” with a “good man.” Or how many times I’ve manipulated myself into being in a relationship with someone because another person recommended them to me. I often found myself struggling to make relationships work and ended up miserable. I had to learn the hard way that if things don’t fit, don’t force them. My happiness and inner peace are more important than being with someone who wasn’t a perfect fit for me simply because someone else thought they were.
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You Can’t Change A Man
We have to remember that nobody is perfect, and we can’t change him into who we think he should be. Quite frankly, if we can, then he may not be much of a man to begin with. Accept a man for who he is, or leave him for the one who can.
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As I continue my journey through life and meet different men in the search for love, I look forward to learning more that I can share and hopefully help someone avoid making some of the mistakes I have. But if you do make them, just remember that they make you a better person.
What are some lessons you learned in your 20s that you would share with others?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For?, a motivational speaker, and an advocate for single women who encourages them to live their best single life God’s way. Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
