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Ladies, let’s talk for a bit:

No, it’s nothing too heavy. But it’s about our beauty habits and trends. Well, one beauty trend in particular. I’m talking about hump nails.

According the gossip website Black Media Scoop, hump nails are taking over the world. For those who don’t now, hump nails are very short and curved extensions. They are made by layering globs of acrylic on the fingers and then running out of the Korean nail salon before the nail techs ask you to pay. Actually, that is not how it is done, but it certainly looks that way.

No one knows for sure who started the trend, but according to Nail Magazine, the first sighting of the funky nail art happened in 2009. A nail tech named Hoa Bui, who works at Ann’s Nail Salon in Philadelphia, sent the magazine some pictures of her hump-tastic work. It was also around that time when I first got a glimpse of bubble nails, as they are affectionally known here in Philly. They were adorning the hands of a Papa John’s worker. I know: What was I doing getting pizza from Papa John’s? I don’t know, but seeing the nails on the girl’s hands reminded me why I don’t regularly eat at Papa John’s.

Anyway, as she gave me my change and thanked me for ordering, I instantly recoiled by what appeared to be neon pink colored keloids on her fingertips. Then I felt bad for reacting that way because that’s not kind. I mean, she could have been sick or stricken with a disease that made her hands look that way. I once had a neighbor who had big keloids growing out of her hands, but then again, they were flesh colored and not neon pink. So out of curiosity, I asked her, “What the hell is that on your fingernails?” And yes, I asked her just like that.

For some reason, she got offended. “They bubble nails,” she said before sucking her teeth. Ignoring her irritation, I asked her if she made these bubbles herself and she told me that she paid actual money to have someone do that to her hands. Not quite satisfied with the humiliation I inflicted into the life of this young minimum-wage worker, I scoffed and asked her why she would ever do such a thing. She shrugged and said simply, “Because they are cute.” I stared at her blankly. And to this day, I continue to give bubble nail-wearers a blank stare.

I don’t know how to say this nicely so I’ll be direct: Out of all the trends that we as women have put ourselves through in the name of beauty and personal expression, this has got to be the worst. They are worse than the platform shoe trend that had our feet looking like space alien animal hoofs. Hump nails are worse than vagina lightening. Heck, I will say that it is even worse than wearing a Jheri curl past the era when Cash Money took over for the ’99 and the 2000s.

In short, it is the worst because it is simply not cute. Not in a pretty fembot way. Not in an abstract, surrealist way. Not in an alternative pixie girl way either. It is simply not attractive. You can call that a matter of opinion, but I am just going to go ahead and declare it a statement of fact.

Also, how are these nails even functional? I mean, what if you have to get up in your nose? Hey, sometimes blowing your nose with tissues does not always get everything out, and you’re forced to manually deal with that one straggler booger, which flutters defiantly around every time you breathe. You can’t even fit your finger in your nostril because you have this big bolder rock on your finger obstructing the path. Picking your nose with those nails will probably result in death by suffocation. And that’s just no way for a woman to go out.

I’m not a fake nail-wearer, but if I were, I would totally hold up a sign of the cross with my fingers if someone were to suggest I get hump nails. But that’s just my personal taste.

What do you guys think about the return of the hump?

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