How to Have a Threesome that Is Safe, Sane, and Consensual?

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Today’s conversation is a blushable one, but we’re all adults, right? Okay, take a deep breath and let’s jump in.

I received the following advice question this week in my inbox:

Dear Abiola,

I promised my boyfriend that if we stayed together for three years I would do something special for him. He had been asking me for a threesome ever since the time I met him. He said this was his ultimate fantasy and of course I love him so I want to make all of his fantasies come true. I’m not really down with swimming in the lady pond but he wants this and I know if I don’t do it he’s going to do it with somebody else so I might as well be in on it. How do we go about this? Please don’t write a whole thing trying to talk me out of it. I’m already doing it, I just want tips on how to proceed and get this over with.

Signed,

Good Girl, Good Girlfriend

Here’s My Reply:

Okay, Goddess G4, I know you said you don’t want me to list the cons vs the pros of the situation but I would be suing myself for advice column malpractice if I didn’t address the elephant in the room.

If you said, Abiola, we both have a fantasy of having a threesome together, my reply would start off very differently. However, you put together a lot of words to say that you love your boyfriend very much and so you want to do this for him although you’re not into it. You are basically saying that you are willing to have sex with someone you have no interest in to please your partner.

So, I will answer your question but first a few notes of caution. There are red flags sticking out all over your email. Any time you find yourself saying, if I don’t do XYZ he is going to find someone else, something is seriously wrong. If you don’t do this I will leave is emotional blackmail and emotional abuse.

Does he prize this fantasy over his love for you? Monogamy is not for everyone and anything that consenting adults agree to is fine. The issue is that you don’t sound like a consenting adult. Nothing in your intimate life should include the words, “get this over with.”

You need to clearly express your discomfort with your man about this fantasy. Communication and trust are everything in a relationship. Be clear that you feel good in your skin and in your soul about this choice before proceeding.

Write this down: There is a big difference between healthy relationship compromise and compromising yourself.

Since You Asked, Your Pre-Threesome Checklist…

Thinking of Having a Threesome? Stop!

Ask yourself the following questions first:

1. Be clear, is this your fantasy or someone else’s?

If it’s not your fantasy, see above. If it is your fantasy? Great. Good for you. It’s healthy for adults to have a thriving fantasy life. There is a comprehensive book you may want to pick on the topic written by a father and daughter therapy team named, “Your Brain On Sex.”

2. Do you really want to carry out this fantasy in real life?

You may not want to live out every sexual fantasy. Every fantasy does not need to be lived in real life — unless you want to. Human desire is fascinating, wondrous, exciting, and sometimes even peculiar. This is a beautiful thing. Determine for yourself whether this is a fantasy you just want to explore through perhaps movies or erotica, and in your relationship, or whether you want to play it out.

When I did a web search on the topic, I found committed couples admitting to playing out their threesome fantasies via adult films, webchats, party lines (they still exist), and even blow up dolls. To each his or her own.

3. Who will be your threesome partner?

Ok, if you’re proceeding, choosing your partner is key. Deciding to include friends or someone you know is a TERRIBLE idea if that wasn’t already the nature of your relationship. The situation may go wrong — or go very right and change everyone’s lives. One of my coaching clients fell in love with the other menage a trois partner and started an affair. You could have future resentments at having to see this person. People end up comparing themselves negatively to the new party. Can your heart really take interacting at the bowling alley with someone you see your boyfriend having sex with?

4. Have you discussed parameters fully as a couple?

Communication is critical before embarking on such a venture. What are your boundaries? What are his? Do you want your partner to touch the other person or just watch? What about kissing? Who is allowed to kiss whom? Pick up the book “The Ethical Slut” (that’s the title!) and get clear on your boundaries.

5. How will you find a sexy stranger?

Before you head to your local lesbian bar, stop. You don’t want to be a cliche creeper couple. While bisexual women may enjoy sex with men, lesbians as a rule do not. That’s the definition of lesbian. Check online, post an ad, or perhaps you may want to head to Nevada where it’s legal to invite strangers into your bedroom for cash. I’m just sayin.’ This column is a judgment free zone. Do you.

6. What about safe sex?

Safe sex is sex that is mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually healthy.

Safe sex is non-negotiable. Looking clean does not mean healthy. Concerns include HIV, herpes, HPV… Yup, all kinds of issues. Make sure the person has a clean bill of health. When’s the last time they went to the doctor? Have you seen any paperwork? Can you all go to the doctor together? If taking care of all of this seems decidedly non-sexy, it’s not. There is nothing sexy about contracting a disease.

Anything you do must be safe, safe, and consensual. Got it?

7. Talk about it!

Communicate, communicate, communicate with your partner before during and after.

Final Note: You are not to proceed with this in any way, shape, or form if it makes you uncomfortable. If you do want to do it, great. If not, don’t. Also, if you move forward and at any point you change your mind, know that this is okay, too!

Do what is best for you. Always ask yourself, what is the most self-loving choice that I can make right now?

Catch up on Abiola’s Love Class

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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams is the author of “The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love,” nominated for an African American Literary Award in self-help. She gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, self-esteem and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to Ebony and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Abiola is also the creator of the African Goddess Affirmation Cards. Tweet @abiolaTV.

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