Source: OWN
When the story of Jay Williams and his 34 children by 17 different women aired on OWN, social media erupted with all types of judgement. Judgement for Jay and judgement for the women who dealt with him in the past and those who continue to deal with him. Iyanla said that more than anyone, she wanted to make sure the women, the mothers, were working towards healing because they were the ones who were raising the children.
So she followed up the three part series with Jay by meeting up with the women again. But this time she had other women in the audience because, as Iyanla said, over and over again, the women who had been with Jay were not all that different from us all.
If you missed the series, know that she dropped some knowledge. Here are some of the lessons we took from the episode.
Source: OWN
Penis between us
A lot of us hollered when we heard Iyanla yell penis to Nicole and Charmaine who had let Jay come in and “penetrate” their friendship. And a lot of people looked at those two and thought they were crazy for allowing such a thing to happen, you know sharing a man and all. But Iyanla said that letting a penis penetrate your friendship doesn’t always have to involve shared sexual partners. Sometimes, it’s as simple as ignoring your friends or cutting off longtime friends once you find a man. It’s a similar principle and one quite a few of us are guilty of.
Source: OWN
I am not my sister’s keeper, I am my sister.
Iyanla said the reason we shouldn’t be so quick to judge the women who had children with Jay because, in some form or fashion, many of us have exhibited some of their same behaviors. Whether it was settling, degrading or devaluing ourselves to be with a man, the symptoms are often the same. And instead of judging and dismissing these women, seeking to understand them could help us better understand ourselves. Iyanla said, “Let us not think that in your deficit and dysfunction, you’re better than this woman in her deficit and dysfunction.”
Source: OWN
Person, penis or the promise
Iyanla kept asking the women on the stage and even the women in the audience why they found themselves in these dysfunctional relationships. Was it the person, penis or the promise? Iyanla admitted that in her own past, she chose a man for his penis alone, using sex as a temporary relief from a lifetime of pain. But the lesson was you cannot allow any of the three make us live out of integrity.
Source: OWN
Settling
A theme that kept coming up throughout the episode was settling for men that the mothers and other women in the audience knew were no good for them. Several of the baby mamas spoke about loneliness and the yearning for companionship that ultimately influenced their decisions to continue their relationships with Jay. Iyanla clearly identified that fear played a role, “If you don’t accept this little bit, you won’t get anything.” Settling, even if he doesn’t exactly have 34 children, is something many of us have done.
Source: OWN
Why can’t we hear people when they warn us about men?
How many of us have been in a situation where our mothers, friends or sisters tried to warn us about a man with little moral fiber? They tried to tell us that he would end up hurting our feelings, tried to explain that he wasn’t the best person for us. But we weren’t hearing it. Iyanla asked why. And one woman in the audience said it’s because our friends and family don’t know the full story. They don’t know the kind and nice things this man says when the two of you are alone, lying in bed together. But y’all know the saying, talk is cheap.
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Why are we afraid to be alone?
Ayanna revealed that she dated Jay because she had a fear of being alone. But Iyanla dug deeper asking her if she was alone, what would she begin to think about? For Ayanna, it was the abandonment issues she was still dealing with from her father leaving her as a child. Being alone often encourages people, men and women alike, to think about those unpleasant, unsettled or unresolved issues in their lives and instead of dealing with those issues, it’s easier to run from them by refocusing your attention into a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional.
Source: OWN
Ayanna is not sure that Jay is the father of her child
Ayanna admitted during this follow up episode that she wasn’t sure about the paternity of the child she kept referencing in the “Fix My Life” episodes. She tried to gloss past that statement. But Iyanla made her slow down a bit. She admitted that she had been with two different men within a 28 day period. Ayanna said she slept with another man as a way to get over Jay. You know, operating under the “the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one” principle. Instead of shaming Ayanna, Iyanla asked women in the audience if they had behaved similarly by jumping into a new relationship before they had achieved closure from the last one. We may or may not have slept with two man in a short time span but rushing into something when we have unfinished business, within ourselves, is quite common.
Source: OWN
Hope Factor
In one of the few times, we heard male voices during the episode, OWN asked men to weigh in on the ways they use sex to get women to do things for them or use sex to keep a woman invested in the relationship. Each of the men had multiple children and made no apologies for their behavior. One man even said that women have what he calls, “the hope factor.” They hope that things will get better and while they wait, they put up with all types of foolishness. It was pretty alarming and telling. Iyanla asked the women in the audience if they’d behaved similarly, believing that having a baby would guarantee that the man would stay too. Several women raised their hands. We all know how well that strategy works.
Source: OWN
Giving your power away
In the last episode, where Iyanla spoke to the mothers of Jay’s childen, Chantau said that she never wanted her children in this position and it was all Jay’s fault. But on the follow up episode, Iyanla made sure to let her know that wasn’t the case. Instead, she asked Chantau to acknowledge not only her responsibility in the situation but also the fact that she willingly gave her power up to Jay.
Source: OWN
Forgiveness
And lastly, Iyanla stressed the importance of forgiveness. In order to heal and move on to a more fulfilling relationship, Iyanla said you have to forgive yourself for “the things that you did from your broken place, for the participation in your own suffering and the people you invited into your life to continue wounding you.”
