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Are your feelings about your relationship a total roller coaster? Are you on the verge of dumping your man one day, and hoping he proposes the next? You probably don’t look inside to know what to think about your relationship, but instead let your friends and family dictate it.
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When your friend’s guy treats her badly…
If you hear your friend’s guy yell at her, or you see a guy abuse a woman in any way, you suddenly feel intense love for your guy, you rush home and give him tons of affection, and you tell him he’s the best boyfriend in the world.
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Why that doesn’t work
Your guy isn’t a good boyfriend because he doesn’t hit you or yell at you. If that’s the case, he just doesn’t deserve a phone call to the police. Don’t judge your guy based on the bad things he doesn’t do to you: judge him based on the great things he does for you.
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You tell him how to dress in front of your parents
You subtly try to figure out what he’s wearing to lunch with your parents. You just “happen” to find a shirt you thought he’d like and bought it for him, the morning of that lunch.
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Why that doesn’t work
What are you afraid your mom will think of his casual t-shirt and jeans? That he’s lazy? That he’s unambitious? That he’s disrespectful? It should be clear enough from ten minutes of speaking to him that he is none of those things. If you really think your parents would make such harsh decisions about him based on his clothes, that’s their issue: not yours. Stand by your guy and let him be himself.
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You talk about his “other” ambitions in front of your parents
Even though he’s happy at his current job, when he starts to talk to your parents about it, you cut him off to tell them all about the other jobs he’s being offered, and the other projects he’s working on, because you don’t think your parents think his job is good enough.
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Why that doesn’t work
Be grateful your guy is happy at his job! Maybe dating a guy who can’t afford to rent a house in Aspen is less than the dream, but what’s a nightmare is dating a man who is miserable at his job. A man with a good attitude about his circumstances is someone you want to be with. Your parents should be wise enough to see that.
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You get upset when your friend gets an expensive gift
Your friend gets a really nice, expensive gift from her guy, and suddenly the gift you loved from your guy looks cheap and inconsiderate.
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Why that doesn’t work
You are too old to not know the sentiment, “It’s the thought that counts.” If your guy can come up with thoughtful gifts on a budget that you’ll actually enjoy and use, hold onto him. You can almost bet that diamond necklace your friend got is just supposed to be shiny enough to distract her from the fact that her guy makes no effort to really get to know her.
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You like him because he’s better than your exes
You regularly compare him to your exes, and every time you realize a new way he’s better than them, you suddenly want to jump his bones and pay him tons of compliments.
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Why that doesn’t work
Again: don’t judge a guy based on who he’s not, but on who he is and what he adds to your life. Eventually the memories of those exes will fade and the only person you’ll have to compare your guy to is…himself. How will he old up then? That’s all that matters.
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You make your guy call you twice a day
Even though you really are fine with one call a day—in fact, you find it inconvenient to talk on the phone twice a day—you make him call you twice a day because that’s what your friend’s guy does, and she says that means he cares.
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Why that doesn’t work
Some couples just don’t need to talk all the time! They’re connected enough to still feel connected, even if they only communicate once a day when they’re apart. In fact, if you are that type of couple, sometimes talking just for the sake of talking can make you feel more distant because you end up talking about insignificant matters.
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You get mad about his Valentine’s Day plans
You didn’t need a whole to-do on Valentine’s Day. You loved that he made you dinner and handpicked you flowers. But when you heard how your friend’s guy made a reservation at the most popular restaurant months in advance, and got her five gifts which he hid around her home and office throughout the week, your guy looks lazy to you.
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Why that doesn’t work
Was it the same guy who gave the woman the diamond necklace? Probably. Refer back to that point.
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You get mad he doesn’t invite you to every family function
You thought it was nice that when his parents came to visit for a weekend, he invited you to lunch with them. But when your friend tells you that her guy never goes anywhere without her, including every family function, suddenly you’re thinking your guy is ashamed of you or not committed to you.
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Why that doesn’t work
If you’re not married, it’s perfectly natural for your guy to still want to keep a relatively separate relationship with his family! He can bond with them alone in a way he just can’t when you’re there. It is nice he invites you to lunch—that shows his commitment enough.
