He Said, She Said: Should You Give A Child An Absent Father’s Last Name?

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SheSaid: Veronica Wells

Full disclosure: I’m not a mother. And though I can say what I think I would do in certain parenting situations, all of that changes when you’re actually placed in these predicaments. I cannot imagine the pain and anguish women experience when they learn their child’s father won’t be involved in the child’s lives. I’m sure it’s devastating. And I, in no way, want to disrespect women who are raising children without the help of the father. I’m sure I would find that man disgraceful. But right now, whether the hypothetical father of my hypothetical child was present and active in my child’s life or not, I would want the baby to carry that man’s name. Names are a tricky thing. They are traditionally and culturally important but ultimately have little bearing on a person’s character. They carry a lot of symbolic weight but are of little moral consequence. So in that regard I don’t know that you could make a “wrong” decision in this circumstance.

I know the argument is that if the father isn’t there, he shouldn’t be honored by being included in the child’s name. But a surname is bigger than just one person. Just because that particular person ain’t isht, it doesn’t mean the whole family is as morally bankrupt.

Regardless of whether the child carries this man’s name or not, biologically he or she carries half of this person’s DNA. Removing his name won’t make that any less true. Instead, it seems like an attempt to punish a man who doesn’t seem too invested in the first place. I’m one of those people who believes that despite the relationship the mother and father have, a child should at least be taught to respect both of their parents. Once they’re old enough to understand the full story and can no longer do so, that’s fine. But I don’t think children should be subjected to listening to one parent insult the other because, at the end of the day this person is a part of the child. And if the father has no involvement otherwise, giving the child his name is a way to pay homage to that part of the child’s bloodline, not the father himself.

I have a family member who is in this situation and she chose to give her daughter her last name. Like I said, I don’t think it’s wrong but seeing as this child, has no interaction with either her father or his family, it’s sad that she has no connection to this side of her heritage. Even if she never met a person from her father’s side, having his name would connect her to that legacy in a small way. It would be helpful in ancestral research and even if paternity or inheritance issues eventually arise.

All of that being said though, this conversation also brought up another issue for me. I find it unsettling that a mother’s surname is often erased from the child’s. I understand we live in a patriarchal society but all of the reasons I listed for a child carrying his or her father’s name apply equally to women.

I’m seriously considering giving my child one of those obnoxious hyphenated names just so my people are represented as well.

What do you think about the issue of a child’s surname? What would you do in a situation where the father is absent? Would you give your child his last name anyway, why or why not?

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