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Real, unselfish love—the kind you get from a mentally sound, emotionally whole person who loves you with no ulterior motives—seems too good to be true! It’s so rare, that some of us, when we find it, have to turn away as if we’re staring into the sun. Maybe we’re afraid to get used to having something so great in our lives, because then losing it would be so painful. For whatever the reason, some people struggle to accept love. And here are 7 signs you might be one of them.

You pursue unavailable men

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You pursue unavailable men

You pursue men who are in relationships, married, recently out of a relationship and not emotionally ready for a new one, emotionally closed up, or even a little bit mean to women. If you pursue a guy, you can almost bet there is a major obstacle to him actually becoming your boyfriend or husband.

The reason: you think you have to work for love

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The reason: you think you have to work for love

You don’t believe that you, just as you are, are enough—you don’t think that your personality alone warrants you receiving love. So instead, you believe affection and attention has to be worked for. You should have to suffer, humiliate yourself, and fight an uphill battle to receive just a little affection. If a nice, available guy comes around and wants to love you, you don’t feel you’ve earned that.

You hide from your partner when you’re upset

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You hide from your partner when you’re upset

If you’re upset about a fight with your family, if you’re feeling particularly insecure, if you’re just feeling depressed for a day, or you’re feeling down about your career path, you ignore your partner’s calls, or cancel plans with him so you can be alone. However, you tell him everything’s perfectly fine and that you’re just feeling under the weather.

The reason: you don’t want to get used to comfort

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The reason: you don’t want to get used to comfort

You’re afraid of depending on someone to get you through rough times. You want to make sure that your own skills to pull yourself up by your boot straps stay sharp, and you think you let those go slack every time you turn to your partner for comfort. Also, sharing a moment of vulnerability with your partner makes him closer to you, and that scares you.

You get angry with yourself for sharing something personal

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You get angry with yourself for sharing something personal

Maybe you do break your rule, attempt to be vulnerable, and call your partner to talk to him about what you’re going through. And then you immediately get frustrated with him and yourself, rejecting all of his solutions, making him feel stupid for even trying to comfort you, and eventually hanging up, to simmer in your own anger.

The reason: You broke your rule!

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The reason: You broke your rule!

Maybe you’re attempting to be better at accepting love, but if you can’t just tell your partner you’re having a bad day without berating yourself afterwards, you still have a long ways to go.

You cut off consolation fast

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You cut off consolation fast

If you (God forbid!) happen to cry in front of your partner, and he hugs you, or rubs your back, you move away and say, “I’m fine. It’s okay. You don’t have to do that. Let’s just go out to eat.”

The reason: you don’t want your partner doing anything he doesn’t “want to”

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The reason: you don’t want your partner doing anything he doesn’t “want to”

You don’t want your partner changing any of his plans or altering what he actually wants to be doing for you. If you two have a reservation in ten minutes, you can’t stand the thought that he might be holding you and consoling you but thinking, “I wish we were at the restaurant…” You don’t believe that your emotions deserve that much attention, or that they should ever dictate what someone else gets to do, or not do.

You won’t accept thank you’s

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You won’t accept thank you’s

You love doing kind things for the people you love, but you do them in a manner so that nobody can really thank you. You pick up groceries for your partner but sneak them in his kitchen when he’s not looking and if he mentions it you say, “It was nothing. I had to go to the store, I just bought too much and it wouldn’t fit in my fridge.” You find a way to belittle the act of kindness.

The reason: you don’t think you deserve the thank you

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The reason: you don’t think you deserve the thank you

Even though you believe the people you love deserve to have nice things done for them, you believe they are in some way better than you and so it’s wrong for them to pay you back in any way, including a thank you.

You make light of romantic moments

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You make light of romantic moments

If your partner maintains eye contact for a moment too long you make a joke like, “Cue the violin music.” If he sets a romantic dinner table you say, “Okay—what’s the catch?”

The reason: you say movie love isn’t for you

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The reason: you say movie love isn’t for you

Moments like those—the prolonged eye contact and the romantic dinner—those are scenes from movies. They’re not for real life. Ordinary girls like you don’t deserve things like that. But what’s more is that you feel insecure about having someone do something nice for you, thinking they’ll only discover you aren’t worthy of it.

You get skittish after sex

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You get skittish after sex

As soon as you and your partner are done having sex, you hop up to get water, or you lay perfectly still, as far away from him as possible, never to initiate any sort of cuddling. Only if he initiates it do you go for it, and even then, you hold back a little.

The reason: you can’t believe he likes you for more than your body

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The reason: you can’t believe he likes you for more than your body

You can’t wrap your head around the fact that sex might be more than just physical for a guy. You figure once he has climaxed, he is done with your body. Why would he want to cuddle? What’s he getting out of that? You can’t stand the idea that if you just rolled over and cuddled him, he might be wishing he had more space.

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