Why Her and Not Me: Did You Make Him a “Better Man” For Another Woman?

August 10, 2013  |  

 

Recently, a friend and I were discussing the train wreck that is Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. After watching part one of “The Reunion,” my friend made note that Joseline, now allegedly married to Stevie J., got the ring and the marriage that Mimi always wanted. She said that it’s a shame that Mimi “did all that work to make him a ‘better’ man” for Joseline, and it’s not fair that Joseline was benefiting from it.

I wondered if we had been watching the same show because I didn’t think Stevie J. was any better of a man to either of the women in his life. Neither Joseline nor Mimi – or any other woman for that matter – can do any “work” to make him a better man. A man has to want to change on his own.

But then, she took it a step further and told me that this is why she’s going to hold on to HER man: she doesn’t want to build him up and make him better for the next chick. She’s going to ride it out til the wheels fall off if it’s the last thing she does.

And I thought…how sad. Not just for her, but for the many women out there who are stuck in dead-end relationships that they refuse to get out of because they don’t want the jerk they’re currently dating to suddenly change into a good guy for someone else.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think we all may have had that same thought every now and then. We date a guy, have a good time with him and then he says something like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship or that he’s not ready to settle down. Then BAM…six months later (okay, give or take) you find out he’s engaged to the next woman. Huh? How did that happen? And even more curious still….why her and not me?

The simple – and sometimes hard answer to accept is – it’s not about you. But there are women who will obsess over every aspect of their failed relationship wondering what went wrong: how they could have done better, what the new woman has on her and anything else that comes to mind. Yes, you will find go bats**t crazy.

One could go on and on, but the real question should be: Why am I obsessing over a man that clearly didn’t want, love or respect me?

The truth is a woman could ask all of these questions until she’s blue in the face and never know the answer. The man in question that she’s now losing sleep over probably isn’t worth the time of day. The fact that a woman is wondering “why her and not me” probably indicates that she still wants him on some level, even though she knows in her heart that he wasn’t the man for her. It’s not that he never recognized that she was a good woman or wife material; maybe he just wasn’t ready. If he failed to see her value, well, that was just his loss.

What makes me sad is when women somehow come down on themselves when their ex seems to have all of a sudden become the man they wish he’d been while they were in a relationship. Some women think that because he seems to be this “better man,” the new woman must’ve made him that way. They look for ways to blame themselves for how he treated them while they were together, because there is an assumption that another woman wouldn’t want him if he’s a jerk…so she must be doing something different.

Not necessarily true.

Sure, there are men who will “step up” when they encounter a woman who doesn’t take any nonsense from anyone, so he may try harder to be a better man for her. You could say he respects a woman who won’t tolerate his bulls**t. If he respects her in a way that he did not respect you, it’s possible that you may have played a part in that; we all know the saying, “a person will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. If we play devil’s advocate here,  you can’t really be upset if he’s moved on to someone who expected – and received – more from him.

But really, chances are he’s not any different with her. What you see on the outside may not be indicative of what’s really going down behind closed doors, and he could be dating someone who is also allowing him to treat her the way he wants. He’s just on to the next victim. Whether he’s a jerk with her or not, if he was one with you, that’s all that should matter. What he sees in the next woman shouldn’t concern you. He’s her problem now.

Ultimately, there is no true answer to the “why her and not me” question. What I do know is that there is absolutely nothing to be gained by asking the same questions over and over again or beating yourself up about it. Don’t focus on him and stop looking for reasons to stay emotionally invested in a relationship that has ended and a new one that doesn’t concern you. If you find yourself in this situation over and over again, you may want to do some soul searching to see what habits you may be repeating that keeps you in relationships with men that tend to move on quickly with other women right after you break up with them.

Whether it’s your pattern or not, work on putting him out of your mind and move on! Find your own closure so you can find the man meant for you and focus on your future.

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