Single Black Male: Do Men Judge Women By How Soon They Have Sex?

October 15, 2012  |  

Recently, a new book came out called WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know. One of the survey questions that got the internet buzzing revealed that 62 percent of men expected sex by the fourth date. Madame Noire asked me to address the following questions: When is too soon or too late for a woman to have sex? Does the timeline of when she gives in affect how men see her?

When is too soon or too late for a woman to have sex?

As with most things when it comes to men the answer is, “it depends.” For most men, there is no such thing as too soon to have sex, so perhaps we should differentiate between when men want sex and when men expect sex. Men want sex immediately. I would agree with the survey that most sexually active men probably expect sex around the fourth date. However, just because a man wants or expects sex doesn’t mean he’ll stop talking to you if he doesn’t get sex. If men want sex immediately, which rarely happens for the average guy, then obviously men are used to waiting for sex.

Men are sexual and visual creatures. So are women but if you think the average woman will entertain the sexual advances of a stranger as quickly as the average man, we’ll just have to agree to disagree (but you’re wrong). When a man approaches a woman, he is pretty much saying, “I want to have sex with you.” We can’t see your personality from across the room, so it is likely the physical that caught our attention. If we like nothing else about you the physical attraction still remains. As a frustrated commenter pointed out to me once, women control sex like men control commitment. For whatever reason, women aren’t as stingy with sex as men are with commitment.

Does the timeline of when she gives in affect how men see her?

Honestly? Not really. Most men know about the various rules women have around sex. Thanks to Steve Harvey, the 90-day rule is the most well known. A less well known rule is the fact that women are quicker to have sex with men they don’t like than men they do like. Over the years, women have gotten it in their head that having sex with a man will affect how men see her. This is only a half-truth. Sex is like money, having it only reveals your true nature. Also like money, unless you feel the need to show off and talk about it all the time, no one has to know how little or how much money you possess. Money doesn’t change people and neither does sex. If a man has sex with you and he “changes”, it would be a lot more accurate to say he became himself.

There are only a few times when sex directly affects a man’s impression of a woman: 1) it’s really good; 2) it’s really bad; or 3) you have a one night stand.

As far as most men are concerned, it doesn’t matter if you make him wait 90-seconds, 90-days, or 90-years. Completely independent of sex, most men know what they want from any given woman.  If all a man wants from you is sex, then no passage of time in between will change his goal. He may be perfectly content entertaining the physical – seeing as that’s all he ever wanted – but while you thought you were growing together, he was just investing his time in order to get what he wanted. As a side note, this is why you should never tell a man how long you’re going to make him wait. Anyone with a little patience can wait to meet a known deadline.

On the other hand, if a man likes you as a person and he wants to see the relationship develop, then he will wait to have sex with you for as long as it takes. Please note that the key word here is, “with you.” Just because a man is willing to wait to have sex with you, doesn’t mean he’s not having sex at all. There is a big difference between commitment and waiting, and if you assume they’re one in the same, then that is a conversation you should have upfront. I have married friends who had sex with their wives on the first date, because they liked her as a person. Ideally, sex should act as an instrument to strengthen the relationship, but if you think merely withholding sex will create a bond between you two, you’re sorely mistaken.


In closing, sex shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip to regulate a man’s emotions because men’s emotions don’t work that way. In fact, a number of men can completely separate the emotional from the physical. As far as waiting too soon, too late, or any time in between to have sex, men really don’t care. As a woman, if you want to implement a personal timeline, then it should be done for yourself. At best, you’ll weed out the men who only wanted sex because they are far less likely to put in the work necessary to get to know you as a person. However, if you think withholding sex from a man who doesn’t want a relationship from you will suddenly inspire change in him then you will be gravely disappointed more often than not. Instead of placing the focus on sex, you should clearly communicate what you want from a relationship – physical or otherwise – and see if he agrees. As for men, we were ready to have sex when we met you. We’re just patiently waiting for you to catch up.

WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.

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