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Since most women are firmly against approaching men, they don’t know the terrifying joy of walking up to a complete stranger and trying to convince them you are worthy of their time. To be successful in dating, a man must be a salesman, a public speaker, and a preacher. We have a small window of time to convince the woman of our dreams that we’re not just another man trying to get in her jeans. While the final outcome is usually seamless to the woman, there are in fact 5 very distinct steps to how men approach women.

Step 1: Spot your prey

If we’re lucky this happens as early in the process as possible. This gives us time to observe your style and grace. How many guys do you turn down before we arrive. Were you mean while doing it? How many drinks are these guys buying you? Are you getting sloppy? Are you carrying yourself like a lady in the streets or a freak in the sheets? How are you dressed? How does your face, breasts, hair, nails, legs, feet and shoes look?

Step 2: The Decision

Having answered all these questions and more we decide whether to approach or not. If we’re in a group, we might consult with our hype / wing man. His whole purpose is to convince us of the following: 1) we can successfully get your number; 2) tell us “that you ain’t that fine anyway”; 3) distract the least attractive girl in the group so she doesn’t hate on the rest of us having a good time. This is also known as “taking one for the team.” The conversation might go like this…

Guy 1: What do you think of that girl over there?

Guy 2: She’s fine.

Guy 1: She probably stuck up.

Guy 2: Only one way to find out.

Guy 1: Nah, I’ma chill.

Guy 2: So you’re going to be a punk?

Guy 1: *is forced to approach in order to prove he is not a punk*

Without a hype / wingman, you are left to hype / wingman yourself, a more difficult yet not impossible process. Usually this involves convincing yourself you’ve pulled finer or hype yourself into a confident fury, which often climaxes in a mental chorus of current ratchet popular song lyrics, like “TWO CHAINNSSSS, FOUR BRACELETS…”

Step 3: The Approach

There are few things more awkward on this Earth than walking across a crowded room to approach a woman. There’s no telling what will happen on the other end of that journey. You have no idea what kind of day or state of mind this strange woman is in. You might be the chalk outline on the opening credit of The First 48 simply because you caught the wrong woman on the wrong day. Conversely, she might kiss you in the mouth and lead you out of the club by the hand because you bought her a $1 amaretto sour and didn’t say anything too stupid in the first 15 minutes. You really never know. It’s that mysterious cycle of unknown that keeps strange men across the globe walking up to strange  women across the world and forcing you to listen to our hopefully slightly less than moderately boring conversation. As a man, all you can do is hope for the best and expect the unexpected.

Step 4: The Game

The Game is the hardest and funniest part of being a man. No two women are alike. Some women like a courteous gentlemen while other women prefer a street tough thug that’ll ask them, “what that mouf do?” Because of this, a man has to skillfully dance through an obstacle course of unspoken social clues from the woman. If she has her Doctorate from Harvard in Political Science, then you have to be prepared to discuss the social ramification of the Romney/Paul versus Obama/Biden tickets in the upcoming election. On the other hand, if she failed kindergarden three times before becoming the first proud member of her family to obtain her GED, then you have to be be up to date on all the latest and most rachet VH1 reality shows and associated spin-offs. Plus, you MUST have a negative opinion on Stevie J’s relationship management skills. Whatever happens, your conversation has to remain uniquely adaptive to the woman on the other side of the conversation or you will fail. That’s the nature of the game. Successful men must learn to navigate the ever changing conversational landscape like Ricky’s alley-running skills in Boyz n the Hood – but, of course, hopefully with a better ending.

Step 5: Victory or Defeat

When it’s all said and done, there are only two inevitable outcomes: victory or defeat. A man’s objective is to impress and eventually part ways with some form of contact that will allow him to keep interviewing for a position in your life. Eventually fooling you into thinking he is the man of your dreams, until many many years after he has put a ring on it and you finally realize that he is just as lame and average as all those other men you passed up in the club in your youth. At least he keeps a roof over your head though.

This, my friends, is the burden of being a man. Every day, whether you realize it or not, some man has progressed through all these steps long before he walked over and opened with, “Excuse me, miss?” or he grabbed you romantically by the buttox while looking  you deep into your eyes like a predator and connected with you on a carnal level that shames all the life lessons you learned growing up. The ends justify the means. No judgement here.

WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his formal training as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.

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