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Every woman that I’ve ever known has done the emotional tango with one lover or another. They’ve gotten caught up in the folly of breaking up and re-engaging, particularly with significant others who don’t treat them as well as they ought to be treated. They change their numbers, simply to hand the guy the new digits two weeks later.  And they change the locks to their doors, only to welcome him in when he comes knocking. My personal philosophy toward the matter is, “never step in the same ish twice,” (essentially meaning that an ex is an ex for a reason) but most people can’t help but to stumble backward into the muck.

The onset of this pattern is sometimes due to a fear of loneliness, reluctance to move forward, and whiffs of nostalgia. Also, the idea that they’ll simply stay with him until something better comes along, or that they’ll never find anyone better, are two possible contributing factors. All of those notions are detrimental, however, and compete with the idea of finding someone more suitable. If they remain tangled up in their past relationships, trying to find the “good” in a heap of bad, then it’ll be impossible to recover from the “quicksand” relationship, and for them to find their footing.

That said, it’s easy to rationalize why a woman would stay with someone when she’s afraid of being alone. After all, it is difficult to meet new people, and it’s difficult to establish trust within new relationships when a woman feels that she’s been robbed of trust in the past. The hard part about remaining tied to a tumultuous relationship is that a woman will always feel that she will have to explain their relationship to her family and friends, or there’s a chance she won’t be very honest about the trouble in their relationship because she fears the impending “I told you so” because of the hurt that he may have caused in the past.

The decision to recover from a chaotic, unstable situation and pursue healthier relationships is not an easy task. The most painless way to break out of the “break up and make up” cycle is to figure out why the relationship hasn’t worked, and why it won’t ever work. Also, to take each step of the break up one day at a time, and utilize positive relationships available (friends and family). This time, more than any other, is the best time to lean on friends, take time for organizing, change up routines, purge home of relationship triggers, and take up new hobbies. It’s also just important to take time for personal reflection, taking into account, both, negative and positive aspects of the relationship –and understanding why that relationship, or any relationship of its kind, will never be satisfying enough.


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