You know the song, “Why can’t we be friends?” I know that’s everyone’s jam and what not, but sometimes, there are just some people in life that you can’t get too friendly with. Are ex-boyfriends some of those people? Depends on your situation.
In the past, I’ve come out of a serious relationship with a guy, gone through the Roscoe-from-“Martin” snotty nose and a face full of tears, played all the Mary I could, and cried to my mom for about an hour, only to come out on the other side happy and glad to move on. My ex did the same–without all the dramatics–and even got himself together to start a new relationship. While I had no issue with that, I should have had an issue with the fact that he wanted to still be friends with me. “We were friends before all this and I don’t want to lose that.” Riiiight.
So like the fool I was, not necessarily hoping or thinking we were going to get back together, but not seeing why being his friend would be a problem, I agreed we could be cool. Boy, was that the worst idea of all time. That friendship didn’t work out for a majority of reasons, some I shall share with you in a second, and it helped me realize that with some people, when you’re done with them, you really need to be done. If you think you want to be friends with your ex, keep an eye out for these habits/signs and keep in mind the following things, because he could end up being as much of an issue as he was when you were in an actual relationship.
1. He Has Unrealistic Expectations of You
Just because you agreed to be “cool” with your ex doesn’t mean you’re supposed to start being best friends. If that happens organically, then hey, that’s awesome, but if not, then that’s just how things were supposed to be. With that, don’t let him guilt trip you into thinking you’re supposed to be calling him all the time or texting him at all times of the night: “Naw, don’t talk to me, you don’t know how to call somebody…” Excuse me? Doesn’t he have a girlfriend? What would you look like ringing up his phone all the time, and to talk about what? If you all don’t have something very important to discuss, don’t let him make you think you should be running up behind him. Being cool often means just being cordial and friendly, not being his boo number two.
2. He Wants to Talk to You About His Girlfriend
Whether he’s comparing you to her, lauding her like she’s Mother Teresa or simply just talking about their problems to you like you’re Dr. Phil, all that mess isn’t necessary. What goes on between him and his new main squeeze and how he feels about her really doesn’t have anything to do with you, so why is he including you in their business? I’m sure homegirl wouldn’t appreciate all that, so either smile and nod, or politely tell him to keep all that to himself.
3. He Openly Tries to Play/Disrespect You
This was the number one reason my ex-boyfriend and I couldn’t be friends. When I wasn’t at his beck and call like he hoped, when I would see him, he would have a funky attitude on full display. Any niceties I tried to show would get the ‘yeah, whatever’ face and he would try and embarrass me in front of girlfriends when I joked with him. You shouldn’t be going through some of the same crap you went through when your past relationship went sour, and if he’s trying to take you back down that road, run in the opposite direction, my dear.
4. Be Careful He’s Not Trying to Woo You Again
Make sure you don’t get your feelings all in a knot, girl. Sometimes being around your ex can stir up old feelings, and the same goes for him, and even though he has a new girlfriend, we know some folks will do whatever they feel like doing (am I right?). If you know you really don’t want to get back with him, nor do you want to be involved in messing up his new relationship, keep things as friendly and normal as possible. Just don’t get TOO friendly, okay?
5. He’s Getting A Bit Too Deep Into Your Business
If you do occasionally chat on the phone about life, he shouldn’t be asking you who you’re dating. Some men think that because they snagged a new piece of arm candy they are going to make you feel like s**t about not having a new one of your own. Of course, you don’t need a whole new man to signal that you’ve moved on. And at the same time, if you do have one, that really has nothing to do with him. Who you’re messing with could make him jealous, and that’s when the crazy and always irritable ex (instead of “friend”) can rear his ugly head.
6. His New Girlfriend Is NOT Feeling You = Drama
I mean, put on her heels: would you really be all cool and dandy with your new man being buddies with his ex (especially if they were together for a substantial amount of time)? Some girlfriends are very secure, while others don’t play that, and if you become cool again you need to be aware of that. You might be guilty of nothing, but she might always think you are on the low. But either way, you should hope that she knows you all are friends and JUST that, and not only that, she should know that you’re in contact with her man in general. If he doesn’t have anything up his sleeve when it comes to you, why not let her know…?
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