On National Working Moms Day Tupac’s ‘Dear Mama’ Hits Different

“And I could see you comin’ home after work late / You’re in the kitchen, tryin’ to fix us a hot plate.”

These lyrics from the late rapper Tupac Shakur’s 1995 song “Dear Mama”—a heartfelt and brutally honest autobiographical tribute to his mother, Afeni Shakur—always resonated with me.

I easily related to this imagery because at the time of the track’s release, I was a preteen girl who regularly watched my mom come home from her full-time job around 6:00–6:30 p.m. every weekday and make a beeline for the kitchen to prepare dinner for her family. Usually, she didn’t even change out of her clothes or take a millisecond to decompress. And Lord help us if we forgot to take the meat out of the freezer or there were dishes in the sink, because as she taught my younger sister and me very early on, you can’t cook in a dirty kitchen.

Now, as a 40-something-year-old first-time working mom, the gravity of Tupac’s words is almost as heavy as the nebulous ball that almost always weighs on my chest. This load is comprised of a myriad of things, including work-related stress, overall exhaustion, nonstop thoughts of never-ending to-do and to-buy lists, a newfound but unexpectedly intense resentment towards industrialization and patriarchy, and postpartum changes to my body, hormones, and perspective on pretty much everything in life that matters.

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No, I’m not having a midlife crisis or a bout of existentialism. What I’m experiencing is quite literally a heavy heart caused by an overwhelming feeling of working-mom guilt, which is “the emotional tug-of-war many mothers experience when trying to balance their careers and family responsibilities,” according to Postpartum Care USA.

Even in the name itself—“working-mom guilt”—as well as in the definition of the struggle, the focus is solely on a woman’s career and motherhood. The mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being of the actual woman, or her personal needs and desires, aren’t even in the ring, much less a contender to win.

So, I can’t help but wonder, when it comes to managing work and motherhood, ladies, are we fighting a losing battle?

Granted, I’m a rookie to the working mom’s club. My daughter recently turned 10 months old, and I’ve only been back to work for three months. So, I’m fully aware that “it’s only going to get harder as she gets older,” as I’m constantly reminded. I know that eventually, instead of cleaning up blowouts and babyproofing, I’ll have to juggle helping with homework and actually making the time to cook that prepped meat in the fridge, because long gone will be the days of breastmilk, formula, and baby food. Still, the harsh reality of how hard it already is to be a working mom leaves me feeling dismayed, depleted, and damn near dystopian.

And, to be clear, I never expected it to be easy. But I did, perhaps naively, think it would be easier than this.

You Are Appreciated

Today, March 12, is National Working Moms Day, a day dedicated to celebrating women like myself and so many of you reading this. Established in 1983 by the American Business Women’s Association, the day aims to honor “parents and drive awareness of resources working moms can use to make working and parenting life less stressful and more functional.” It’s an opportunity to show some well-earned, but all-too-often lacking, love to working moms. Or, in the words of Pac, to simply say, “You are appreciated.”

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, as of May 2024, a staggering 74% of moms with children under 18 work in the labor force. For Black mothers, that number is as high as “76% to 79.5%,” which is the highest rate among major racial and ethnic groups, per The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. 

The number of mothers with children under 18 who are equal, primary, or sole income earners for their family is 65.9% for Black moms, which is especially high compared to “36.4% of White, non-Hispanic mothers and 39.3% of Hispanic mothers,” reports the DOL.

On average, moms work 98 hours per week, which is the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs, according to a 2018 study that surveyed 2,000 American mothers of children between five and 12 years old. Moreover, mothers typically spend 14 hours a day on parenting alone in addition to the time spent at their jobs. The study also found that the average mom starts her day around 6:23 a.m. and doesn’t stop until 8:31 p.m. Believe it or not, but to me, and I’m sure others would agree, that sounds like a pretty good day compared to most of mine.

I doubt the study included when a mom takes her laptop to the bathroom and pretends to be “using the toilet while mindlessly scrolling online,” but she’s really still working, even though she’s “technically” off the clock and logged off. So, to avoid being lectured about a better work-life balance, she resorts to this. By the way, just because it’s hard to hear doesn’t make it untrue.

Or how do you draw the line between work and mom mode when your 10-month-old daughter’s two front bottom teeth have finally poked through, and apparently, the only way for her to alleviate the discomfort is loudly “talking” and blowing raspberries until 3 a.m.?

And since you’ll be up with her anyway, so that she doesn’t wake the entire building with her nonstop noisemaking, you might as well try to get in a little work or check a few things off your “personal” to-do list, which, let’s be real, isn’t about you at all anymore.

For this new working mom, “personal accomplishments” now include shopping on Amazon for Baby Orajel or a new battery for the robot vacuum. Now that my daughter is crawling, the floors need to be as clean as possible because she’s in the “exploring phase,” where she puts quite literally everything in her mouth. But since I just don’t have the time or energy to pull out the full-size Shark vacuum every few days like I used to, the low-effort robot vacuum will have to suffice in between big cleans.

This is working mom multitasking at its finest, even if some of it only occurs in my mind. All the while, haunted by the fact that I start work in a few hours at 9 a.m. And there you have it—from raspberry whisperer and back at work again—it’s all inexplicably intertwined.  

Life Happens All At Once

I think it’s impossible to make the distinction between “work” and “life” for working moms because, in truth, it’s all work. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that everything we do feels burdensome or unrewarding. It simply means that there are always tasks to be completed. There are always deadlines to be met. There are always responsibilities to be fulfilled—across all areas of life. Or as my mom has always said, “Life happens all at once.”

These words mean so much more to me now as a working mom, and I’m not even trying to “do” or “have it all” because I know it’s not feasible or sustainable. But I do try my best, and I try to do as much as I can whenever I can, which I realize might be just as problematic as trying to achieve perfection.

“The results of the survey highlight just how demanding the role of mom can be and the non-stop barrage of tasks it consists of,” explained Casey Lewis, MS, RD. Four-in-ten moms surveyed said the week felt like a never-ending series of tasks to complete. Yup, that sounds about right to me, and I’m sincerely surprised that number isn’t higher.

It’s also important to note that this study was conducted in 2018, before the COVID-19 pandemic, which we all know completely overhauled the worldwide workforce. Since 2020, many people have been working from home, whether fully remote or hybrid. This shift didn’t just further blur the lines between work and life; it obliterated them, especially for working moms.

Be it a blessing, a curse, or a no-brainer for those who simply can’t afford the high cost of childcare for non-school-age kids, a lot of work-from-home parents now perform their job duties with their little ones at home with them. For the women who live this reality, we are not just working moms. We are not just stay-at-home moms. We are now work-at-home moms! (I’m not sure if that’s a term, but if it’s not, it definitely needs to be!) 

By this, I mean, there’s no real separation between “work” and “mom.” You’re simultaneously performing tasks for both roles all the time, and what’s worse, doing it all in the same space.  

Of course, working from home has its perks, especially doing it alongside my partner, who’s also remote. I save on travel costs and time spent commuting to and from the office. I have the luxury of working in my PJs and in the comfort of my bed if I choose to. I’m available to receive all those Amazon packages.

But on the flip side, going into the office required me to leave my apartment for reasons besides checking the mail or going to the supermarket to buy food I no longer have the time to cook. Those walks to and from the subway station allowed me to be outside while the sun was still shining, to regularly get fresh air, and to be somewhat active. That train ride gave me time to sit with my thoughts, to people watch, to read, or to listen to my favorite music.

Going to work forced me to be visually presentable, i.e., to get my hair, nails, and eyebrows done. It gave me a reason to get dressed up, to put on makeup and my favorite fragrances, or to wear heels—simple pleasures that used to be interwoven into my daily life. But now as a work-at-home mom, these indulgences fall under the category of “self-care,” and, sadly, they rarely, if ever, get checked off my imaginary “personal to-do list.”

I focused on how working remotely impacts one side of the work-life equation because honestly, for me, the mama side is too personal and painful.

There’s no worse feeling than missing out on your baby going to see Santa or not being able to go for an evening stroll to the park on the first warm day of spring because you have to work.

Being a work-at-home mom gives you a front-row seat to your child’s distress, discomfort, and feelings of disconnection all while experiencing the same heartbreak yourself. It’s an absolute gut punch to your maternal morale.

Don’t Pee On My Leg And Tell Me It’s Raining!

I’d really like to believe that my work-life balance will improve, or at least get more manageable, as my daughter gets older and I become more acclimated to motherhood. But the truth is, I’m not hopeful.

This is because the plight of working moms is compounded by a larger culture of workplace “toxic positivity.” This is when management and employees maintain a persistently positive or “you can do it” attitude regardless of stress, exhaustion, legitimate workplace concerns, or what is actually humanly possible. Consequently, “the responsibility [falls] on individuals to try to survive and persevere in broken and dysfunctional environments, without addressing the root causes at hand,” explains the Harvard Business Review.

I liken toxic positivity to someone playing in your face or, in the wise words of one of my all-time favorite bad-ass women, Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” It’s a thinly veiled attempt to normalize dysfunctional behavior and unhealthy work environments.

I’m talking about workplaces where everyone is perpetually burned out, but you’re still bombarded with more tasks and expected to complete them in the same amount of time with the same resources, namely your two hands and one brain.

These employers only give the appearance of normalcy and caring to cover their own butts. But in reality, everyone recognizes the madness and unprofessionalism. These are the places with high turnovers and low retention. And once someone is gone it’s as if they were never there because that would mean having to address the issues that caused them to leave.

Toxic positivity makes what is clearly very difficult or often impossible to achieve seem easy for someone who possesses the competency or who has the right attitude, puts forth the effort, and devotes enough time.

I call it professional gaslighting. It’s when you’re given an assignment close to the end of your shift that will obviously force you to work past your end time in order complete it. Can it be done? Yes, but at your expense.

This is what the cycle of working-mom guilt and trying to succeed as a working mom feels like to me.

And, I have just embarked on my working mom journey, so I really don’t have much authority on the subject. I also can’t speak about any other mother’s experience. But I know simple addition, and the math for working moms’ work-life balance definitely doesn’t add up. At least not in a way that seems mentally or physically healthy.

Australian journalist and mother of three, Annabel Crabb, summed up this paradox perfectly in her book The Wife Drought, in which she explores the imbalances in work and family life for men versus women.

“The obligation for working mothers is a very precise one: the feeling that one ought to work as if one did not have children, while raising one’s children as if one did not have a job.”

If you are looking for ways to celebrate the working moms in your life, employers, I might suggest treating them to a hard stop today, any day, hell, every day!

Partners, instead of offering to “watch the baby so you can cook,” how about replacing “cook” with something from her real self-care list: “enjoy a girls night,” “get a pedicure,” “shave your legs,” “watch a movie,” “spend some time reading”—anything that prioritizes her needs and desires as an indivual outside of being a working mom.

Because right now, I’m not “tryin’ to fix a hot plate” for anyone, not even myself.

In honor of National Working Moms Day, I’d personally like to say, “You are appreciated,” to the women who give their all on the job and at home. Whether you’re a breadwinner or a bread maker, let’s show some love and support to the working mothers in the comments.

Ladies, how do you attempt to juggle this crazy thing called work-life balance? And, please let me know your thoughts on my take and experience. Share your best advice, techniques, resources, stories, and feedback below.

Feel free to get personal and/or specific because I sincerely want to help myself and others navigate motherhood with direction, dignity, and sanity. I’m open to it all: the best apps for managing schedules and routines, advice on how to carve out alone time and prioritize self-care, ways to get rid of my post-baby fupa and feel more energized overall, books on how to set boundaries at work or overcome postpartum rage and resentment, who are the go-to content creators or experts to follow for mommy inspiration. And of course, I love a good old school proverb or mantra.  

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